reunion

it felt a little surreal today, as if a vague dream suddenly pops to the fore from the back of my mind. It started off with the revelation and familiar voice calling my name in the van. viola! a connection made when I was 19 and pretty much disappeared for a long while becomes part of my adult world without warning. he is still as funny and witty, still has that ability to make people around him laugh out loud incessantly. no awkwardness, just a familiarity with a little distance that time had wedged between us.

it's cool that there are a group of us newbies bumming around by ourselves for a while. We're enjoying the non-intervention kinda orientation by ourselves, separate from the old timers. corny remarks, laughter and friendly digs fill the makeshift office space constantly. good vibes. i'm starting to appreciate the off-handed remark by some people that humour is one of the most precious gifts God has given to humankind. it's a miracle drug that bridges distance and cures boredom. a first day of work begins to feel like reunion.

updates

a whole myriad of happenings come crashing in, before the start of a new phase of life. hospitals, waiting, praying, wondering, silence, pacing, sitting outside the A&E department in the hot sun, switching my mp3 on and off, watching worried people pacing up and down the same corridor for news from the doctors, constantly sms-ing people to update them and to cancel on activities so i can be left alone to fight the battle. All strangers, yet a sense of camaderie as our eyes meet, and our minds preoccupied with the same uncertainty and worry.

In recent days I've become strangely used to fighting this alone physically, though i get assurances that prayers are being offered for me and my family. There came a point in time when I thought, how much easier it would be if there was someone standing by my side, and being my prayer warrior. But it's ok. i'm ok alone.

the weight of the world

i felt the weight of the world's obligations upon my shoulders again, so I made the decision to cancel most appointments for the last week and the coming one for myself. I said MOST, because I'm still pretty much a doormat at heart. I just can't bring myself to cancel on certain obligations. and so i compromise yet once again. It's so sad, on one level, that I have to live my life according to the needs of others. Yet I remind myself on another level that I am no island by myself after all; others need me as much as I need them and I can't just bail out on them as freely as I would want to.

Yet, how i wish i could disappear from the face of the earth legitimately, at least for one week?

POOF!

Much Ado About Everything

Caught the play, Much Ado About Nothing with the rest of the quartet at Fort Canning last Thursday. I enjoyed it thoroughly, both the company i had and the play itself. It's a different kind of dynamic with them, that is comfortable, interesting and fun. Perhaps coz each of us have such distinct personalities. Eugene the decisive leader of the pack who comes up with side-splitting comments when you're offguard. Therie the sweet-looking yet feisty LEGO doll with the hearty laughter. Darryl the practical philosopher who moves freely between reality and the realm of idealism. Rae the romantic fighting off their relentless environment-sustainability, rhetorical attacks on dreamy balloons floating into the night sky. And we all talk politics. You can't find a more interesting quartet, can you?

As for the play, I was a little wary of how much I could enjoy it at the start, since I never fancied myself to be a "play" person. I have always enjoyed the novel to the film adaptation of any story, due to the paucity of description that goes into film, and I quite naturally thought that a play would dilute a story even further. Alas, I now see the beauty of a play. the dynamism and space available for interpretation is immense, an art form that the pen or film cannot offer. Each medium causes a story to shine in its own way :)

The Shakespearean language took a little getting used to, so I was clueless for the first 10 mins, quite honestly. When my brain finally got attuned to Shakespeare however, i promptly fell in love with the grandiose language of love and loss. It was so rightfully intriguing. Reading Shakespeare would not have done him justice, since his plays are written to be expressed in the form of theatre. and theatre under the stars at that! it was beautiful. the scene of the balloons carelessly and carefully floating away to the stars had such a transient beauty to it.

Perhaps it's Fort Canning, perhaps it's the British accent, or because of the effort to infuse an Asian element to the play, I got the feeling I was watching a story unfolding in colonial Singapore. A little strange at times, but never reaches the point of being jarring. Enjoyable, i would say.

Definitely worth your money folks ;)

boring updates.

I'm starting a new phase of my life on 25 May. work life, here I come!
all i can say for this whole experience of getting a job is that God has been leading me along a straight and narrow path, with all the appropriate road signs as well-maintained and well-placed as those along Singapore roads.
[no way that I could get lost, only impatient though, since the signs tended to be farther from one another than i thought initially. ]

due to some complications, I'll be having a shorter break than i thought.
which i am glad, in some ways.
that i no longer have to agonize over "to rest or not to rest".
now it's the question of how I can maximize my one month of rest.
glad to have a play, a karoke session and a guitar gathering lined up in the pipes already :)
i'm well-pleased whenever entertainment is scheduled. heh.

with a shorter break than expected, I'm embarking on my rest and recreation now, even though it's in the midst of study break.
come on, i only have TWO papers to mug for. how awesome.
more self -maintenance, exercise and rest.
I started on the Jillian Michaels workout today.

honestly, it's pretty good, even if the pike was too incredibly hard. a very good combination of strength and cardio. I was breathing pretty hard at the end of the session.
i had to push myself a fair bit since it has been a super long time since i did strength training properly, but it wasn't impossible to go through it.

at last, i also solved my longstanding insomnia problem by pulling myself out of bed at 7am for the past couple of days.
good job girl! *pat on the back*
it was like being abandoned by the rest of the world in absolute stillness when for weeks I couldn't fall asleep even at 4am.
at last, i'll be living a positive, healthy life :D

This is what dreams are made of.

Susan Boyle Singer Britains Got Talent 2009 With Lyrics @ Yahoo! Video

I remain very moved. dreams that look like castles in the air, dreams that are made of the fluff of escapism, dreams glamorous but fragile like stained glass, are nothing like the dreams substantiated by the courage to pursue them, at the infinitely huge risk of being public humiliated and scorned at. It's only with courage, that dreams can have any real meaning or substance.

May we never lose the courage to dream.

amazing grace

"The places, the High Places of victory and union with Christ can be reached by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by laying down of our own will and accepting His."

I feel like crying whenever i re-read what S.K wrote in his card for me. Isn't it true, that dying to self daily is the way to live out the will of God and to be at that place that is much much much better than the place i'm trying to get to by my strength. I struggle so. I am persistently trying to wiggle my way out and open up new possibilities, because the feeling of walking along this one deterministic path is scary for me. I sometimes wonder if I enjoy the feeling of being in the middle of an African pasture with acres of grass between me and another living organism, of being alone in a sampan in the middle of the Indian Ocean, rather than being like Little Red Riding Hood taking that one clear path towards Granny's house. because being in the pasture and ocean means endless possibilities isn't it. the PATH leads to a place i'm not absolutely is THE PLACE.

I really should just shut up and walk this path. my wanderings and wonderings reveal such an unbridled creature inside of me. I still so stubbornly think that God's way is not the best for me.

I think it's because I have not grasped what it means 'the grace of God'. I've been reading Philip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace (it's an awesome awesome read) and I realise that I am frequently trapped into thinking that God should and will withhold the very best for me because I'm not good, pious, virtuous, sinless enough. What a huge lie. My Lord has been so gracious in dying for me that i might live, so gracious in answering my prayers, so gracious in never leaving and forsaking me, so gracious in giving me a new confidence and hope in Him.

I didn't have to prove myself worthy when I decided to follow Christ. He walked with the tax collectors, murderers, prostitutes. He didn't ask them to prove themselves worthy of the kingdom of God either. Why am i now trying to make myself worthy instead of believing that as His child, i am already worthy of His blessings? I don't deserve it and I never did, but He still extends His divine arms to me.

the man of inner and outer strength

The Sanguine has in many ways lived being allergic to shopping lists, to-do lists, check-lists, instruction manuals of any kind. She breaks out in mumps and itches all over, whilst rolling around the floor whining and whimpering. Atlas, it really all boils down to an almost childish fear that whatever is written in words are carved in stone in the heavens, open to ridicule by less well meaning people who stumble upon it, sabotaged by even lesser well meaning people, or inviting perhaps a stroke of bad luck to spoil it all. She used to believe, in her inner being, that there was this cosmic clown going around just to make sure the innocent wishes of children would not be fulfilled so he could jeer and chuckle in their faces. And believing in the lie that what she want she would never get, she resorted to not thinking about what she wanted, whilst placing her best bet in the elusive gift of all called serendipity, where she can effortlessly stumble upon her heart's desire when she's not looking.

Atlas! the journey saw her stumbling into potholes and ditches when she refuses to look in the corners of her heart. detours and merry-go-rounds set her thinking once again, that perhaps in trying to blind the imaginary cosmic clown, she was perhaps only blinding herself. but of course, bad habits take a long time to completely release their grip on her Sanguine life. and she continues to be led by a deliberate purposelessness disguised in the cloak of openness.

but then she remembered that she is after all a princess. A princess of the Most High, that is. Why choose to believe in the curse of the cosmic clown rather than all the power and authority she wields on account of her birthright? With a renewed courage of conviction, she decides to petition the Father with regards to her man of inner and outer strength.

He must exist somewhere, not just in the imaginary landscape where only unicorns live, ya?

siberia

sometimes i think i'm evil, especially when i choose to be icy cold to guys who are persistent but i'm not interested in them. it's not out of a i-don't-wanna-lead-you-on mentality, but a real irksome feeling in my heart that prompts me to really wanna shout GIVE UP! I'M MOVING TO SIBERIA TMR AND THERE'S NO RECEPTION OR INTERNET ACCESS THERE! argh. do i attract the wrong crowd or what.

retiring tyre.

i feel like a tyre that has ran good mileage, and the rough and tumble has resulted in much wear and tear. Without proper grooves, the tyre's just cruising along without any real grip and direction. For the first time in my racing career, I've no desire to be chionging anywhere, and quite ready to let it go a little. Even if I'm skidding for a bit, i can only get a few bruises here and there anyhow. the real bends in the road have been conquered.

translate back to human terms, i can't bring myself to write another term paper. Or proposal for that matter. Or read another journal article or reading. it's not exactly fatigue, coz i made sure to rectify that with much recreation, rest and exercise. it's the aftermath of wear and tear, as i said. of having done so much with my brain, it has expired. Time to move on to a sort of retirement; to take it easy, not think too much and CHILLLLLLL. there's no even urgent need for renewal of any sort. which is a strange new concept isn't it. retiring tyre is now the central theme of my life. but it has made me realise the truly important things in life. I've much desire to be spending more time with friends (who incidentally have not enough time for me now). to just chill and talk about frivolous stuff. i think it's such simple joy.

looking forward to catching Departures with S.Kiat on Friday night. it's been a long time since we hung out. It's been a long time since i hung out with most friends. if you're reading this, i'm probably missing YOU too, my friend.

bossa nova, my love.

drifting in and out of Olivia's tracks, in a state of bossa nova, as I just let myself float through life, devoid of any real emotions that might ground me back to a more substantial existence. intoxicated and sedated, as if on anesthetic. I finally understand why some friends refuse to touch alcohol, after seeing other lose all control after being drunk. I've never been drunk, and i don't ever plan to find out where my tolerant level is, after seeing someone so gone. It's more than good old embarrassment, but a hit to basic self respect, to allow oneself to be so helpless.

i'm planning to give myself a 6 week break before starting work in mid june, which pretty much means i should start making plans, and book friends before they start flying all over the world. i've no wish to laze around at home or to drift through it. saving that for now, in the wake of my thesis. I was so happy to sit down to write the acknowledgements and compiling the biblio. i think i deserve this break.

life mission statement

we did a little exercise to craft our personal life mission statement today. firstly, i chose about 6 verbs which resonated with me from a long list: believe, brighten, delight, dream, encourage, validate. then I chose 2 ministry areas/fields which again resonated with me: broadcasting and journalism. and viola, after some pondering i crafted a simple one-liner for myself:

"To dream, believe in and validate the worth of every individual through the field of broadcasting and journalism".

pleased with it, because i finally see the connection with the field my heart is passionate about, and the larger desire to touch lives and serve fellow humanity. I believe, that the worth of an individual can be validated, when we care and love enough to listen to his story, when we care and love enough to share in his joys and pains, when we care and love enough to extend help and hope when all is dark.

updates

the thesis's going on well, with very constructive comments from the prof and much passion and love for my topic still. I find it miraculous and thank God for the perseverance I never knew I was capable of.

still mulling over a very special and enjoyable night out for a belated bday celebration earlier this week, but i'm telling my heart not to move so fast and let my brain catch up a little. If perseverance had a sequel, it would be patience. yet my heart skips a bit whenever i remember the musicality of his birthday song for me as we sat in the candlelight. I was a little self-conscious that I revealed so much about myself and did think myself a blabbermouth.. guess i'm still not quite the classy woman with few graceful words still, but the young lady still prone to bubbling over with a tad too much enthusiasm, with my words coming out faster than my brain processor. grr. his maturity in contrast, makes me seem like a teenager.

I got a job offer today, not quite what I thought I would get, but i accepted, knowing that it's where I wanna be. Mixed feelings, one of relief that there's light pointing to where i'll be going, one of disappointment that I'm not gonna be at the exact position i wanna be at. I think it's a pride issue, of thinking that I should deserve only the very best. Yet who am I kidding? I am now an undergrad with no real life experience and hey, in a couple of months i'll be a grad with no real life experience still. some of my peers are going to be benchmarked higher than me for unknown reasons but the question I ask myself is whether I believe God has His reasons for sending me where I am going and at that particular entry level. It's humbling, but even as I'm determined to prove my capability, I just want to rejoice that God has already provided for me.

jiayou.

risk and freedom

To laugh is to risk appearing like a fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose your feelings is to risk rejection
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure
But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who takes risks is free.

you're perfect.

By the way, if there were only 2 guys in the world I could choose to be perfect male specimens in terms of looks, it would be Brad Pitt and Wong Lee Hom. It's not like i would go crazy over them. I have never. But everytime i see them onscreen or in photos i can't help thinking that they are indeed, perfect. There's something about them that makes me wanna pause and just observe the magnificence with which God has made them; the curves, angles, strength. Okay, i should stop before i start sounding obsessive.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I cried through Benjamin Button, and didn't feel the 3hrs were that long. It's amazing, if you know that I'm the sort who can't help being bored in the middle of a 90min film in a cinema. Indeed, a multi-layered film as i like it. but i agree with reviewers that there's something very sanitized about it; the storytellers do their best to make Benjamin an "Everyman", to the extent that he really is one.. and you really forget that he "was born under unusual circumstances" as it proceeds.the only thing that i started noticing was how Brad Pitt got more and more handsome as he starts to become younger and younger.. and there was a point where he returns to look like his "Interview with a Vampire" era.

Anyways, I have this nagging feeling that the short story would be more thought provoking and insightful than the film itself. but, i'll definitely watch the movie again. Just to think through the lessons packed in it again.

after the movie, the first thoughts were that Ser thought it was like Forrest Gump, i saw a sublime link between Benjamin Button and Big Fish.
Life, is as colourful as you want it to be.

Benjamin Button's postcard to his daughter which was one of the quoteworthies in the film.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late ... to be whoever you want to be.
There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same;
there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not,
I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Fall in Love with Olivia

Love this album. I'm picking up my guitar again.

Olivia - Sometimes When We Touch - Olivia

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

the year of practical gifts.

My sisters bought me this hawt Panasonic EH5571 Ionity Hairdryer which is uber sleek looking to maintain my silky and shiny raven hair. Gosh it was a lovely surprise, after a threatening bout of disappointment nearly spoilt the hatchday. For the past week i was so stressed trying to think of what-i-want so friends know what to get me. But even if i knew exactly what i wanted, i'd rather buy it for myself because it spoils the meaning of recieving gifts i believe. It doesn't feel like a gift, if i actually asked you to buy it for me. aren't you supposed to read my mind? Sue me, but i love receiving the right gifts without me telling you :P In the end i told hwee and ching to just buy me a meal, and therie to get M.Card's book which i really really want.

Ling got me Smokey Eyes makeup! which i didn't even realise i want. and when i got it i was like "Bingo! So this is what was missing in my makeup kit" in my mind. yay! happiness.

JY wants to buy me cuff-links since i'm working soon and I was like "No way am i going to dress so formally for work" but who am i kidding. grrr. still, i told him to get me a simple and classy wallet (leather i hope?) instead of splurging on a set of metals that go bling-bling.

Grace gave me an amazing crystal mask among other things. Interesting beauty products i have zero immunity against.

Jiali gave me 3 sets of earrings from SIX! and I also bought myself another 3 sets of dangling ones and YET ANOTHER Bling Bling ring. I nearly bought a butterfly ring from DIVA whilst shopping with Tzing but i exercised self restraint. i have only ten fingers and almost ten rings in my collection.

After a review of my gifts, I've come to realise that i'm happy receiving vain gifts because they enable me to look beautiful. i'm a girlie girl! :) so keep them coming yeah :)

I just need a pretty, sturdy, med-size brown bag to make my secret wishlist complete. *hint hint*

friends forever.

i think deep down i'm a playful girl who's not too serious with herself, not too serious with the world, not too serious with her heart. i have been able to go on dates, maintain some fuzzy non-friendships and moved on pretty fast even if they faded away and boys fail me. but friends are just so important to me that times when i fail them i really see the lousiest part of myself inflicting evil on those i love. Ling remembers the time i made her cry in secondary school. I remember the time i lied to Ser. I remember my outburst at Gracie. Jiali and I remember the times when we pulled through the dark days of JC together and lament how far we've drifted over the years. But so much more beautiful and irreplaceable memories are encapsulated in my heart. and even more amazing and miraculous memories are created with the friends i so deeply love and cherish. If i were to rank my priorities in life, it's Family and Friends first, Beauty and Art second and then Boys. or Boys must even be lower down the chain if i seriously ponder over my life. I love my friends so much that sometimes i get this aching feeling in my heart and tears just well up as i think about how precious they are to me. And boys have never been able to occupy such a position in my life. Love you all, more than you will ever know.

just when my striving heart ceased to protest before the throne of God

the things i hold close to my heart, the things i believe God is leading me to, the things i desire, God often puts a season of extended waiting before allowing them to come to pass. It's a discernible pattern, to purify my heart as I seek what is truly the good, perfect and pleasing will of God. The confirmation of the Yale trip in 2006, the final job interview date - both came weeks after the stipulated deadline, just when my striving heart ceased to protest before the throne of God. And then, He opens the floodgates of blessings and I'm just incredulous at His provision. It's too early to say what the outcome will be, but how precious and deep the period of waiting and refining. Very thankful that God knows me inside out to know how long i can bear to wait and how long it takes me to surrender my willfulness and pride in every situation and petition.

May I ever be alive and yet thirsty for His goodness.