Dissatisfied, to be a small town girl with small town preoccupations. I too, want to go see the world. To see the world, in its glorious splendor, overwhelming freedom and a horizon of possibilities..
Bring me!
Bring me!
Wednesday 29 December 2010
Monday 27 December 2010
Break.
I had once prayed, that God would break me, break me down completely, that I might yield to His will for me. Perhaps He had already started a long time ago, but I was resisting, resisting silently yet persistently that I might not feel the pain and sorrow.
I too, want to take a break from myself, my own fortress and high tower. Away from myself to a place of art, beauty, contemplation.
Wednesday 22 December 2010
Sweet
dear rae,
paris's amazing. i've been here for the past 4 days. the museums are splendid and well stock with monets, reniors, van goghs and the likes.
the food is delicious and snow's pretty.
wish you were here.
Thanks for remembering. So sweet of you :)
Monday 20 December 2010
Musky back office
Musky back office with deathly silence and cardboards strewn all over. Very unlike what I had expected of an exciting new endeavor. I have a feeling this is the last they'll see of me.
Sunday 19 December 2010
Genes
Genes are hard to fight, because they are God's specifications for each one of us. My long battle with my self image seems to have borne some fruit when I stepped out of my teenage era, but the proverbial bulges still bug me once in a while. And a meal is always to me, a composition of its fats, carbs, protein. Which is why I hardly ever finish up a 'bad' meal, unless my taste buds tell me its worth the calories. Each day, the duration of time that I spend on my butt is always measured against the intensity I spent in the gym, triggering periods of guilt and quiet self reprimand. Fruits are to me, a source of good fibre and antioxidants, or not. I eat them, because they're good for me. Such an uneasy way to live, but it has become a subconscious habit.
Tuesday 7 December 2010
Scholarly stress
On my way to language exams.. I ask why I'm subjected to such scholarly stress once again, but last night I had a dream. In my dream I was explaining to 2 university students the importance of good essay writing, reminiscent of my PS Peers Writing Center days where i explained tirelessly the need for good topic sentences strategically placed in their appropriate paragraphs. And strangely I was comforted, reminded once again my love for words and good communication. And I thank God that even in mastering a new language, I see how the language ability given me was trans-culture and trans-language somehow. Writing an essay in English or Malay was the same enchanting process for me, to make myself understood loud and clear, using the most appropriate words my vocabulary would allow me. And I find much joy and satisfaction in doing so.
I ask myself how to harness this passion. The impatience inbuilt in my gung-ho personality arises again. But perhaps, this time I shall leave it to ferment and grow. God plants and He will grow it. A season, for every activity under the sun.
Tuesday 30 November 2010
quotes.
God gives the very best to those who leave the choice to Him.
* * *
If some things are better left unsaid, then maybe they too are better left undone.
Sunday 28 November 2010
the gadget
i got myself a Toshiba at the IT fair, and it's the epitome of beauty with intelligence. awesome buy. I think i'm obsessed with getting in touch with information and knowledge due to the lack of an exciting thought life. but i'm working on that, i promise.
i went to borders today and picked up 2 graphic introductions to Rousseau and Kierkegaard.. i was a little hesitant to lower my capacity for deep philosophical thought by compromising complex language for illustrations, but i shouldn't be ashamed. pictures are alot easier to digest when you're stuck on a crowded bus struggling to stand, breathe and trying to read a dead philosopher while heading for work. i ought to be able to cut myself some slack. btw, Rousseau (left) looks a little like my favourite political philosopher professor (who in turn regards Rousseau as his fav philosopher). i think it's the combination of a handsome intellectual aura and that slight rebellion in his eyes. that refusal to be content with mainstream society with its norms and moral ethics. but because of that, both men seem to have struggled a lot in their quest for happiness and fulfillment.
and i have found myself to struggle more now as well. i think it's the symptom of moving on from the safe bed of aspirations to the more pressing test of living one's life, for real. of making decisions from the book i will read to the job i will apply for. from choosing to believe that all my inclinations are positive for my personal development to the admission that my weaknesses define me alot more than i thought. these thoughts are making me more sober and more aware of the passing of time. time is short and i have decisions to make, a calling to fulfill. May i not miss the signs.
Thursday 25 November 2010
the path.
Sometimes i deliberately avoid knowing about human suffering and injustice in tbe news and in books. Because i fear the weight it will have upon my heart, and that regret and shame of knowing that i can make a difference somehow.. And i hadn't. I have always felt all sorts of human suffering as my very own for as long as I can remember.. And weighing on my shoulders that overwhelming responsibility of making this world a more comforting place to be in. I think God has a calling for me in that aspect, and perhaps of all His children as well, that in our own ways we love, care, nourish and protect all that He cherishes.. You, me and the rest of humankind. I have that strong sense of calling to channel my energy and my talents into doing that. But I do not yet know how.. And hence that constant low level of trepidation and introspection continues precariously.
I was overwhelmed by many thoughts over the past few days. Of human government and the religion we have created to replace faith. First of all, i find myself deeply disappointed that a wanted fugitive's family was hung out to dry, partly out of necessity (to uphold the law and as a deterrence) of course, but I read b/w the lines, deliberate political rhetoric to damage control and draw attention away from the oversight on the part of the authorities. And so a family was condemned, for the purportedly greater good of national security.
And another government shells its brother nation to shore up its precarious rising leadership. In the name of national interest and self defense. This is indeed politics as we have seen through history. Men are deceitful and gullible creatures at the same time.
But surely the human spirit can be more than that? That surely we can do more than destroy each other in the quest for personal agenda and gains? I remember the times I had argued fiercely against the realists in my political science classes, their purported "practical" and "right" answers to international relations and good governance never convincing me. And i don't think i will be convinced by those arguments, ever.
And on religion. One of my language teachers is a kind pious old man who is also a religious teacher in the masjid. I love and respect him much for his tenacity and piety. In his 70-odd years, he has had to bury his teenage son, care for his daughter who developed a psychiatric illness after a sour divorce, battle his ailing body while moving onward with God as his compass. Through him, I find myself attracted to some aspect of his religion, the parts that Christianity also advances abt God as Creator, to see an imperfect man seeking to do what is pleasing to God, hanging on to God in the midst of adversity and pain.
But I also find disturbing that the basis of the Islamic faith differs from Christianity in innocuous ways that lead brothers onto vastly different paths.. And I see in my head a fork in the road, one Islam the other Christianity, one to Heaven and the other Hell.. And on each road the followers are convinced the other brother had strayed from the path and only his own shall lead to God Himself. Was Abrahim asked to sacrifice Isaac or Ismail on that hill? Or does that not matter in the end because neither brother can be utterly sure (using reason) that his path was the right one? I'm faced with my own questions about faith.
And of course, Kierkegaard. The more I read that existentialist philosopher, the more I understand why CS came to know God through his writings. More on him later, if i can crystalize my thoughts on him.
Sunday 14 November 2010
Alone
Being alone, takes some getting used to. The feeling of being my own person again always comes as a liberation movement at first, with its accompanying elation and hope. Then it settles into a dull ache, when the missing part becomes starkly empty.. The harder stage to bear is yet to come, I think. When I would finally finally know for a fact that I was indeed, alone.
Free.
Sat morning, the guerilla warfare within my heart was over. It was the end of our 1.5yrs or on-and-off tussle, the start of rediscovering myself. It was a quiet but dignified affair as I composed a msg, and concluded the battle. There was no response, but I had conveyed all that I had to. There were no blows left to exchange, and I think he knew.
Was I sad? I think not.. I had thought of relenting, give it a little more time for feelings to wane between us, but sth he said over the line the night before pretty much pushed me to make the decision I should have, more than a year ago. I had poured out my thoughts once again to him, explaining how I was stifled, adjusting to his ultra-practical perspective and life. I was dissatisfied and unhappy in the r/s. He proceeded to give me a lecture on how philosophical and idealistic I was as a person, as if they were dirty words. He urged me to stop thinking, and appreciate what I have now (pretty much referring to himself). He believed I was ungrateful for all he had done for me, and he thought he did a pretty good job. All these words said matter-of-factly and without a pause for self reflection. If most US Presidents are indeed ISTJs, he must be a George W. Bush equivalent. And obviously it pushed all the wrong buttons for an ENFP.
What? I was and still am indignant. No amount of care and concern he had showered upon me can make up for his stepping all over my self worth and dignity. He never thought much of my philosophical musings, my instinctive thought processes, my view of the world as a world of possibilities, my belief in the goodness of mankind. And it irks and frustrates me. No one who knew me well had ever thought I was weak because I feel a larger spectrum of emotions than most, no one had ever criticized my philosophical side as too impractical and naive. They might have suspected these were traits that i had to manage carefully, but none thought they were character flaws.
Was I blind? I think so. I was really moved when I shared this with mum and she told me that I am a princess; that this man was no prince and he obviously didn't deserve me. I didn't realise how i had began to doubt my self worth thru his eyes. How did I manage to stay on this r/s for more than a week? Perhaps that was the evidence that my emotions can get the better of me and I have the ability to self radicalize and hoodwink myself into believing I can be truly happy with this man. A lesson learnt. No MCP, ultra-practical man for me pls. I'm much better off being alone, and complete once again.
Cheers!
Was I sad? I think not.. I had thought of relenting, give it a little more time for feelings to wane between us, but sth he said over the line the night before pretty much pushed me to make the decision I should have, more than a year ago. I had poured out my thoughts once again to him, explaining how I was stifled, adjusting to his ultra-practical perspective and life. I was dissatisfied and unhappy in the r/s. He proceeded to give me a lecture on how philosophical and idealistic I was as a person, as if they were dirty words. He urged me to stop thinking, and appreciate what I have now (pretty much referring to himself). He believed I was ungrateful for all he had done for me, and he thought he did a pretty good job. All these words said matter-of-factly and without a pause for self reflection. If most US Presidents are indeed ISTJs, he must be a George W. Bush equivalent. And obviously it pushed all the wrong buttons for an ENFP.
What? I was and still am indignant. No amount of care and concern he had showered upon me can make up for his stepping all over my self worth and dignity. He never thought much of my philosophical musings, my instinctive thought processes, my view of the world as a world of possibilities, my belief in the goodness of mankind. And it irks and frustrates me. No one who knew me well had ever thought I was weak because I feel a larger spectrum of emotions than most, no one had ever criticized my philosophical side as too impractical and naive. They might have suspected these were traits that i had to manage carefully, but none thought they were character flaws.
Was I blind? I think so. I was really moved when I shared this with mum and she told me that I am a princess; that this man was no prince and he obviously didn't deserve me. I didn't realise how i had began to doubt my self worth thru his eyes. How did I manage to stay on this r/s for more than a week? Perhaps that was the evidence that my emotions can get the better of me and I have the ability to self radicalize and hoodwink myself into believing I can be truly happy with this man. A lesson learnt. No MCP, ultra-practical man for me pls. I'm much better off being alone, and complete once again.
Cheers!
Friday 12 November 2010
Day 2 - Operation ME Time
I sent out my resume to apply for 2 positions last night. One, a shot at international relations, the other social policy cum events management position. Both give me good vibes, but I'm keener on the first. The exposure would do me much good, if I should make the mark. Although it's not a job to impact lives more directly, I love the idea of working in a dynamic environment, engaging organizations locally and international. The thirst for politics still remains in my parched throat. Time to do some interview prep.
Day 2 of rebellion. A persistent cough plagued me for most of last night, so I took a day off. Here I am in the library, reading and loving each minute. I love me time. Saves me another day of guerilla warfare too, although that's cheating. The Enemy is good though, he hasn't contacted me at all last night and today. I think he's playing the waiting game, hoping that time would be on his side and the guerilla warrior lets her guard down to allow guilt to propel her out of the safety of the rainforest.
No way.
Day 2 of rebellion. A persistent cough plagued me for most of last night, so I took a day off. Here I am in the library, reading and loving each minute. I love me time. Saves me another day of guerilla warfare too, although that's cheating. The Enemy is good though, he hasn't contacted me at all last night and today. I think he's playing the waiting game, hoping that time would be on his side and the guerilla warrior lets her guard down to allow guilt to propel her out of the safety of the rainforest.
No way.
Thursday 11 November 2010
Guerilla warfare rule no. 1
Day 1 report (part 1):
Indifference, clear articulation of my assessment of our basic incompatibility without too much explanation or examples. I've come to realize that less is more precise - arguing on details always puts my stand at the compromising end. Just enough to state my view succinctly and honestly without the hues of emotion coloring the battle.
Like what my heart of gold friend says, remember the tactics of guerilla warfare. You're small, the enemy is big. but you're quick and agile, the enemy is huge and cumbersome. so you hide and you hide well.
Indifference, clear articulation of my assessment of our basic incompatibility without too much explanation or examples. I've come to realize that less is more precise - arguing on details always puts my stand at the compromising end. Just enough to state my view succinctly and honestly without the hues of emotion coloring the battle.
Like what my heart of gold friend says, remember the tactics of guerilla warfare. You're small, the enemy is big. but you're quick and agile, the enemy is huge and cumbersome. so you hide and you hide well.
The Rebellion
Day 1 of rebellion against status quo.
My sis sat me down to share her thoughts abt my r/s last night. Of all that she said, the most poignant was her advice to trust my gut feeling, the feeling that The Boy was not good enough for me and I was compromising my expectations for his affection that many other eligible men can give.
My emotional side gave a zillion excuses as usual; that we were at a comfy stage like family, our proximity would make a breakup hard to bear, I have no solid reason to breakup except the iffy feeling that I'm not gg to be happy living with this man in future. My rational side, however, agreed with her assessment that I was trapped in false sense of security and emotional closeness precisely of our proximity and daily efforts to maintain that proximity whenever we're apart.
Hence births the plan to rebel against the status quo. I keep in mind that previous mutinies were met with unresolved issues that I swallowed right back, due to that girlish desire to make my first t/s the last, befitting of a fairytale ending. And his strong argumentative personality that made my declarations sound superfluous.
So this is going to be a longer battle. One of rational calculation and intentional pursuit of true happiness. Not the way I'd prefer, but when reasoning or heart-to-heart talk fails, signals and more concrete actions over a longer term will have to relay that same message.
Bonne chance.
My sis sat me down to share her thoughts abt my r/s last night. Of all that she said, the most poignant was her advice to trust my gut feeling, the feeling that The Boy was not good enough for me and I was compromising my expectations for his affection that many other eligible men can give.
My emotional side gave a zillion excuses as usual; that we were at a comfy stage like family, our proximity would make a breakup hard to bear, I have no solid reason to breakup except the iffy feeling that I'm not gg to be happy living with this man in future. My rational side, however, agreed with her assessment that I was trapped in false sense of security and emotional closeness precisely of our proximity and daily efforts to maintain that proximity whenever we're apart.
Hence births the plan to rebel against the status quo. I keep in mind that previous mutinies were met with unresolved issues that I swallowed right back, due to that girlish desire to make my first t/s the last, befitting of a fairytale ending. And his strong argumentative personality that made my declarations sound superfluous.
So this is going to be a longer battle. One of rational calculation and intentional pursuit of true happiness. Not the way I'd prefer, but when reasoning or heart-to-heart talk fails, signals and more concrete actions over a longer term will have to relay that same message.
Bonne chance.
Wednesday 10 November 2010
A new day flows and ebbs
A new day propelled me forward and yet to no place new or exciting, just like a hamster on its wheel. It does not fancy the wheel very much and on some days abhors it, but most days it contents itself with the familiar routine of engaging ITS wheel. Possessive nouns are misleading to some extent. Does the hamster posses the wheel or should this lament be about the wheel's hamster?
A new day however, brought with it another enticing proposition - a job opening that might allow me the space to talk to ppl about their aspirations.. And what HOME means to them. I've come to realise how much I need to DIALOGUE with ppl in my course of work. And the POSSIBILITY of travel and events management. Maybe I should give it a shot.
A new day also brought news that a dear friend has a new romance budding in a foreign land! Most heartwarming because I know she's the sweet sort of flower that blooms much in the bed of friendship and love. The sort who laughs and the world laughs with her, the intelligent sort who puts her talents for the welfare of humankind. A heart of gold, with much tears of empathy shed for the poor and downtrodden..she's one of those that has a special place in my heart.
Overall, a new day is a day wellspent, despite the wheel. Nuggets of gold in an endless field.
A new day however, brought with it another enticing proposition - a job opening that might allow me the space to talk to ppl about their aspirations.. And what HOME means to them. I've come to realise how much I need to DIALOGUE with ppl in my course of work. And the POSSIBILITY of travel and events management. Maybe I should give it a shot.
A new day also brought news that a dear friend has a new romance budding in a foreign land! Most heartwarming because I know she's the sweet sort of flower that blooms much in the bed of friendship and love. The sort who laughs and the world laughs with her, the intelligent sort who puts her talents for the welfare of humankind. A heart of gold, with much tears of empathy shed for the poor and downtrodden..she's one of those that has a special place in my heart.
Overall, a new day is a day wellspent, despite the wheel. Nuggets of gold in an endless field.
Tuesday 9 November 2010
Born free, but is everywhere in chains
I think there's something unnatural about confining masses of ppl to a chair for 8hrs, fixed timings each day. A repulsive dreadful feeling arises when I imagine the days repeating ahead of me as i stand emotionless in a public transport vehicle during the peak hr shoulder to shoulder with many more emotionless faces heading to their dreadful dungeons pretending to be cubicles. I need to be free from such invisible shackles, that Rousseau meant, when he said man is born free, but is everywhere in chains. I never had a fascination with that man as my fav political philosophy prof Putterman did, but some ideas abt freedom that the man had is most poignant.
Sunday 31 October 2010
No, I shall not work
Written by Adrian Tan.
...It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.
My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.
On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.
Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.
And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.
Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.
The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.
You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.
The good news is that they’re wrong.
The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.
I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.
You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.
Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.
So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.
Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.
I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.
After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.
Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.
That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.
If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.
What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.
Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.
What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.
Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.
The most important is this: do not work.
Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.
Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.
There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.
People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.
Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.
Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.
I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.
So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.
Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.
Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.
In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.
I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.
One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.
The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.
I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.
Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.
You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.
...It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.
My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.
On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.
Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.
And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.
Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.
The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.
You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.
The good news is that they’re wrong.
The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.
I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.
You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.
Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.
So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.
Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.
I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.
After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.
Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.
That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.
If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.
What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.
Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.
What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.
Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.
The most important is this: do not work.
Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.
Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.
There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.
People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.
Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.
Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.
I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.
So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.
Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.
Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.
In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.
I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.
It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.
One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.
The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.
I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.
Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.
Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.
You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.
Thursday 14 October 2010
that elusive firewood for my passion
it's almost six months since i wrote here.. or anywhere else. perhaps my brain department for self expression has been withering away for that long as well, since i rarely express that much of myself accurately through mediums other than writing. it takes me longer to write and edit my thoughts now. it's almost tragic.
i've been thinking about uprooting myself for greener (overseas) pastures. to get a job which brings travel opportunities and a wider horizon than the distance between my office cubicle and the toilet. the thought is tempting, especially for the ambitious cub inside of me, roaring to fight it out in the corporate world. to be recognized for my capabilities and be differentiated from the rest, unlike the mammoth-like civil service system whose primary function (other than serving the non civil servants) is to equalize the efforts of civil servants who are non-scholars. i'm feeling it a little now, and i have a sinking feeling in my stomach that the hunch is going to get painfully acute as the years pass.
and so i've been checking out management trainee programmes (and other equivalents) and a particular one catches my eye. yet i feel hesitant to apply right now, mainly due to weariness and wariness. a tad too tired to pick myself up, don the corporate armour (not that i had the opportunity) and sign myself up for a job that requires long hours and tenacity. to reignite that youthful undergraduate fervour and unabashed confidence once more.... only that i might be miserable and disappointed once more.
is life a continuous test of our resilience and adaptability? or is there a balance that we might find, like a job that saps our energy but generates much more of it at the end of the day, that elusive firewood for our passion? i really wish to find it.
Monday 31 May 2010
dream dress
i fell in love with a dress. absolutely indulgent but this Kate Moss (Topshop) Lace Peasant Dress is worth the 200 bucks. I've gone to the shop twice but haven't bought it due to strong objections from my sisters that it's overpriced. The pic doesn't do it much justice really. At first sight I loved the ultra huge butterfly sleeves and I knew I would get this dress at whatever cost after I tried it on at the shop. I'm even thinking about the excuses for my sisters already.
Sunday 30 May 2010
Parallel universe
It's been a year since graduation, starting work and tumbling into a r/s. All positive developments no doubt, for i'm not one who lives in her yesterdays. When today passes, it brings with it the potentiality and hope of a tomorow. And yet I sense a certain unhappiness and discontent. There's so much more satisfaction I can feel within my expansive soul, so much more beauty and song in life, and yet I am entrapped within the security of the now. It sucks to live in the present, knowing that I'm deliberately holding on and spacing out now, rather than to continue my quest of moving on to work on a hopeful future - by continually seeking to inspire and enrich myself. Quite honestly, I feel out of my element and fretful that the malleable and impressionable me should get used to this foreign element! Perhaps this is the function of a conventional worklife, when a young graduate has to concede she no longer has the freedom of her schedule on weekdays (exigencies of work) or weekends (too tired - externalities of work). But sometimes, I evaluate my life a little more dispassionately, and realize that there are concrete things in my life that contribute to that discontent. I look through photos of friends' weddings and their sincere joy and love for each other speaks to the ache inside my heart, that I can no longer ignore completely.
Tuesday 30 March 2010
the light years
the sensation of being light years away from a self that seems so filmsy now.
a certain ache, a sudden nostalgia grips my heart at unexpected moments.
sometimes i dismiss it with the wave of a hand or the shaking of head,
but every of those times i feel a shame that weighs heavy on my heart.
whatever happened to that burning faith and thirsty heart?
a day-by-day simple existence is beautiful in its own way,
yet so wholly incomplete.
there must be more than this, i whisper to myself wordlessly.
but a corner of me fears, the price i pay for that higher plane.
of the things that i have to give up, can i?
of the things that i have to rekindle a passion for, will i last?
of the things that i must start to make a decision for, must i really?
i bask myself in the artistic expression of the past,
of surrealism of impressionism,
or magritte, monet and van gogh.
the masters of colours, light and ideas..
can i ever forge a painting for myself so carelessly,
or am i ever numbing myself with a mirage so far removed from my self?
will it really satisfy that unspeakable, brilliant desire for beauty and truth?
i wander in my light years, wondering about the truth of my existence.
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