to be fully loved and known

To be fully loved and known by You, to be seen, even if I can't see you in the flames, smoke and heat. It's all enough, for You are the only one who can promise safety and perfect security.

hills and valleys

Unexpectedly, I fell into a valley. The double-blow from the past week that came wrecked my world, even as I thought I might have enough heartbreak experience to brace for impact. But I will never be ready for the hurt that the world is all too willing to inflict upon us, no matter how familiar it all seemed. Unable to process the feelings or understand the conclusion of what had happened in the span of a week, I retreated to a world of music, of silence before God, of C.S. Lewis. I know that the same black hole of suffering and pain that would threaten to suck the joy of me, could be turned into a vacuum of suspended emotions - if I make a deliberate attempt to pause before emotions overwhelmed me.

I still can't cry or hurt. I played the song over and over again, and let the words speak to me.

Perhaps it is because of how little I truly loved anyone in my life; that I have not learnt to love truly, that all attempts at natural affections were borne out of my own craving to be loved. It rings true, but on my own, I am utterly unable to undo the cycle of bad choices, hopes and disappointments that keeps repeating in my life. And perhaps, in this silence and loneliness, the love of God might truly reach me.




"A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

A long and deep embrace. It says, "I don't want to let you go, I need you, you mean something to me, that I no longer can say I do not have an attachment to a living nor non-living thing even as I prepare to leave."

None of it was actually said, but felt. And I didn't want to ask, lest the spoken convey any lesser than my heart caught.

“There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that.
In one well
You have just a few precious cups of water,
That “love” is literally something of yourself,
It can grow as slow as a diamond
If it is lost.
Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
There are different wells within us.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far, far too deep
For that.”

Hafez, Persian poet, 1315-1390