where is the magic?

it could be the season, it could be the weather, it could be the long rides home with too little fatigue to take my mind off the strange sense of loneliness and loss. it's almost February, the magical month of the year, where dreams come true and fairies with umbrellas fly in rhapsody. But, the magic sheath is a little thin of late. I hope I won't be disappointed. There are too many wishes that need an extra sprinkling of stardust.

I wish the boy who is my friend would be less of a ladies' men and have eyes for me and me only. I've gotten to realise that I don't like competition of any sort, be it imagined or real. In my world, I have to be the princess. Yes a boy who truly listens and understands is a rare gem but when he extends the attention to every Jane, Mary and Samantha I fume. I knew I had a diva streak in me; I just didn't realise how thick it was.

I wish the boy with eyes for me and me only would become more of a gentleman. I've an allergy to men who don't watch their words yes, but a soft spot for the rough-tumble variety who really speak with their steadfast gaze and the ruffling of hair. But these are externalities no? Arghhhhhhh i never never never learn.

We never get the best of both worlds they say. Or maybe i'm not holding out long enough.

I need some magic.

the sword of damocles

CNY is slowing slipping away as I drown myself in the intricacies of framing perspectives in social movements and Thai politics. I wish I could enjoy CNY more, but i guess there's always CNY next year and thesis-writing just these couple of months more. Thesis research and writing can be a daunting process, when one is plagued by deep self-doubt and the thought of giving up all altogether hangs like the Sword of Damocles over one's head. yet the next moment, the euphoria of finding another elusive but instinctive linkage within the mesh of ideas swirling round dismisses the doubts away and gives new impetus and meaning to the entire solitary process of thinking and connecting the dots. i just wish i could be more lucid for more continuous discrete moments and stop thinking so abstractly. more logic, more power!

Happy CNY

i've decided to put off all job search and applications efforts until my thesis is done. because it's too tiring for a round peg to try to squeeze into octagonal or pentagonal holes in order to secure a job which sounds prestigious and pays well. there is this constant, nagging, slightly nauseating feeling that you are trying to sell your soul to an organization which doesn't even care about who you are as an individual, except for what you can offer to it. exactly what you tell yourself NEVER to do when you were 18. fast forward 4 years and facing impending graduation, the audacity of being 18 seems compromisable. but the disturbing feeling remains, especially when you try to fill up yet another "Why do you want to apply for XXXX" column in another dull and impersonal application form. they call it cognitive dissonance in psychology. psychologists then do a little of crystal-ball gazing and suggest that the individual will try to neutralise the effects of cognitive dissonance by assuring oneself and others by coming up with the rhetoric that it's not THAT different from what she said she wants to do, that it's a job that pays well, that it's just a stepping stone until a better one comes along etc. deep deep down, a cloud of depression weighs heavy.

and so i have decided to fight this darkness by walking away from the easier option of compromising my dreams when i was 18, however vague they remain now. When i decided to abandon the route of science or law to pursue something that fires my passion and imagination. When i decided to take the leap of faith and accept the gift of being ALIVE. When for the first time in my life, i tasted the freedom of walking on uncharted waters.

I'm not going back to the dungeon of being pre-18. I'm going to enjoy what is in front of me TODAY and NOW. to continue to rejoice in all that i have and am doing. to wait patiently for the hope that cannot be seen as yet. rejoice with me, my trusted friend :)

reflections.

it's been a long long time since i blogged, for i left my thoughts and reflections in my personal journal addressed to God. it has been a honest time of daily reflection, prayer and communion with the One who created me, the One who loves me more than I can ever love myself, or anyone else, for that matter. It's a dark and uncertain time for me, but not of fear, just of wanting to be alone, sans thoughts and sans plans for the future. When i first learnt that one of my job applications fell through, i was stunned. Until now, it haunts me a little to realise that no, I am not invincible. My interview strategy of being authentic needs a little more preparation and reflection about what i truly want in life, and where I can be a best, of at least, good fit. I feel I've been ushered underneath a spotlight, for the audience of One and as i stand before Him, He remains slient, waiting for me to discover my limbs, that i might finally dance in joy.

I know He's watching over me, I know I'm in good hands, but it's still a tad daunting to not know whether the moment of revelation and discovery is coming, or whether i should hold my breathe and wait still longer and not get my hopes too high just as yet. the process of waiting feels indeed like the process of dying. where slowly I find my assumptions and confidence ebb away as God slowly fills it up with His promises and gentle proddings. Although for now, I feel the ebbing more acutely. I can feel the death of the assurance of a stable and secure career, the death of a love prospect steeped in true friendship, the death of being the cream of the crop. Yet there is the constant reminder that it is only when a seed falls to the ground and dies, that the possibility of it bearing fruit will come.

treading the line between dying to self and giving up.

spiritual friendship

What is spiritual friendship?

It is friendship that is rooted in Christ, for the purpose of growing in Christ.

The basis of spiritual friendship is a shared relationship with Jesus Christ.

The purpose of spiritual friendship is a common commitment to help one another grow in Christlikeness.

"Every friendship is formed around shared goods that identify the friendship and help the friends understand the life and purpose of the friendship. In spiritual friendship the principal good is a mutual love for Christ and a desire to grow together in Christ. This is what distinguishes spiritual friendship from other relationships. In spiritual friendships the friends are centred in Christ, they seek Christ, and they strive to live according to Christ. Through their friendship they want to help one another live a godly and holy life. They want each other to be resplendent in goodness." (Paul J. Wadell)