siberia

sometimes i think i'm evil, especially when i choose to be icy cold to guys who are persistent but i'm not interested in them. it's not out of a i-don't-wanna-lead-you-on mentality, but a real irksome feeling in my heart that prompts me to really wanna shout GIVE UP! I'M MOVING TO SIBERIA TMR AND THERE'S NO RECEPTION OR INTERNET ACCESS THERE! argh. do i attract the wrong crowd or what.

retiring tyre.

i feel like a tyre that has ran good mileage, and the rough and tumble has resulted in much wear and tear. Without proper grooves, the tyre's just cruising along without any real grip and direction. For the first time in my racing career, I've no desire to be chionging anywhere, and quite ready to let it go a little. Even if I'm skidding for a bit, i can only get a few bruises here and there anyhow. the real bends in the road have been conquered.

translate back to human terms, i can't bring myself to write another term paper. Or proposal for that matter. Or read another journal article or reading. it's not exactly fatigue, coz i made sure to rectify that with much recreation, rest and exercise. it's the aftermath of wear and tear, as i said. of having done so much with my brain, it has expired. Time to move on to a sort of retirement; to take it easy, not think too much and CHILLLLLLL. there's no even urgent need for renewal of any sort. which is a strange new concept isn't it. retiring tyre is now the central theme of my life. but it has made me realise the truly important things in life. I've much desire to be spending more time with friends (who incidentally have not enough time for me now). to just chill and talk about frivolous stuff. i think it's such simple joy.

looking forward to catching Departures with S.Kiat on Friday night. it's been a long time since we hung out. It's been a long time since i hung out with most friends. if you're reading this, i'm probably missing YOU too, my friend.

bossa nova, my love.

drifting in and out of Olivia's tracks, in a state of bossa nova, as I just let myself float through life, devoid of any real emotions that might ground me back to a more substantial existence. intoxicated and sedated, as if on anesthetic. I finally understand why some friends refuse to touch alcohol, after seeing other lose all control after being drunk. I've never been drunk, and i don't ever plan to find out where my tolerant level is, after seeing someone so gone. It's more than good old embarrassment, but a hit to basic self respect, to allow oneself to be so helpless.

i'm planning to give myself a 6 week break before starting work in mid june, which pretty much means i should start making plans, and book friends before they start flying all over the world. i've no wish to laze around at home or to drift through it. saving that for now, in the wake of my thesis. I was so happy to sit down to write the acknowledgements and compiling the biblio. i think i deserve this break.

life mission statement

we did a little exercise to craft our personal life mission statement today. firstly, i chose about 6 verbs which resonated with me from a long list: believe, brighten, delight, dream, encourage, validate. then I chose 2 ministry areas/fields which again resonated with me: broadcasting and journalism. and viola, after some pondering i crafted a simple one-liner for myself:

"To dream, believe in and validate the worth of every individual through the field of broadcasting and journalism".

pleased with it, because i finally see the connection with the field my heart is passionate about, and the larger desire to touch lives and serve fellow humanity. I believe, that the worth of an individual can be validated, when we care and love enough to listen to his story, when we care and love enough to share in his joys and pains, when we care and love enough to extend help and hope when all is dark.

updates

the thesis's going on well, with very constructive comments from the prof and much passion and love for my topic still. I find it miraculous and thank God for the perseverance I never knew I was capable of.

still mulling over a very special and enjoyable night out for a belated bday celebration earlier this week, but i'm telling my heart not to move so fast and let my brain catch up a little. If perseverance had a sequel, it would be patience. yet my heart skips a bit whenever i remember the musicality of his birthday song for me as we sat in the candlelight. I was a little self-conscious that I revealed so much about myself and did think myself a blabbermouth.. guess i'm still not quite the classy woman with few graceful words still, but the young lady still prone to bubbling over with a tad too much enthusiasm, with my words coming out faster than my brain processor. grr. his maturity in contrast, makes me seem like a teenager.

I got a job offer today, not quite what I thought I would get, but i accepted, knowing that it's where I wanna be. Mixed feelings, one of relief that there's light pointing to where i'll be going, one of disappointment that I'm not gonna be at the exact position i wanna be at. I think it's a pride issue, of thinking that I should deserve only the very best. Yet who am I kidding? I am now an undergrad with no real life experience and hey, in a couple of months i'll be a grad with no real life experience still. some of my peers are going to be benchmarked higher than me for unknown reasons but the question I ask myself is whether I believe God has His reasons for sending me where I am going and at that particular entry level. It's humbling, but even as I'm determined to prove my capability, I just want to rejoice that God has already provided for me.

jiayou.

risk and freedom

To laugh is to risk appearing like a fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose your feelings is to risk rejection
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure
But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who takes risks is free.

you're perfect.

By the way, if there were only 2 guys in the world I could choose to be perfect male specimens in terms of looks, it would be Brad Pitt and Wong Lee Hom. It's not like i would go crazy over them. I have never. But everytime i see them onscreen or in photos i can't help thinking that they are indeed, perfect. There's something about them that makes me wanna pause and just observe the magnificence with which God has made them; the curves, angles, strength. Okay, i should stop before i start sounding obsessive.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I cried through Benjamin Button, and didn't feel the 3hrs were that long. It's amazing, if you know that I'm the sort who can't help being bored in the middle of a 90min film in a cinema. Indeed, a multi-layered film as i like it. but i agree with reviewers that there's something very sanitized about it; the storytellers do their best to make Benjamin an "Everyman", to the extent that he really is one.. and you really forget that he "was born under unusual circumstances" as it proceeds.the only thing that i started noticing was how Brad Pitt got more and more handsome as he starts to become younger and younger.. and there was a point where he returns to look like his "Interview with a Vampire" era.

Anyways, I have this nagging feeling that the short story would be more thought provoking and insightful than the film itself. but, i'll definitely watch the movie again. Just to think through the lessons packed in it again.

after the movie, the first thoughts were that Ser thought it was like Forrest Gump, i saw a sublime link between Benjamin Button and Big Fish.
Life, is as colourful as you want it to be.

Benjamin Button's postcard to his daughter which was one of the quoteworthies in the film.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late ... to be whoever you want to be.
There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same;
there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not,
I hope you have the strength to start all over again."