i think i'm hitting rock bottom. All of a sudden jolted out of my comfort existence into a darkness so deep. My head tells me it'll all turn out fine my heart is bleeding dry. It's as if i had a premonition; to tell a friend to trust God and then to find myself in a position to be rejected over and over this season. I don't know what to do either. I'm going to drown in my internal flood of tears for now.

Gracious Uncertainty

April 29, 2008

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. . . it has not yet been revealed what we shall be . . . —1 John 3:2

Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1 ), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

Indeed, a place of uncertainty. The Lord was with me during the interview but He hasn't granted me Birmingham this summer. Uncertainty. I still have no idea what I'll be doing this holidays. It's still blank on my calendar. Suddenly French and new exercise regime seem a tad lacklustre and chances for an internship with MFA uncertain as well. No ideas for a thesis topic. Uncertainty. On top of that, I'm in mild shock right now because IPE paper was hard. You know, one of those papers you spend the whole of study break preparing for and it's still hard for you. I think i need to rest from the slight trauma. I can only trust and be faithful to do what is closest to me. Day by day by faith.

New goal for the year.

Is it just me or does Avril Lavigne really have the most beautiful and versatile hair? It's going to take my hair eons and alot of enviable determination to grow till that kinda length and even so, my Asian hair will probably never look as fabulous as hers. But still, i have nothing to lose by trying; i could save a fortune on hair non-maintenance as it grows out of its current multi-layeredness. Argh. I really want thicker hair from now on.

glam curls part 1


glam curls part 2


Straight hair - that's kind of boring though.


even a casual pin up looks gorgeous on her.

Musical Lyrical

My favourite Chopin piece thusfar.I love the to-ing and fro-ing of this waltz piece alot. Exuberant and yet reticient. Like a shy dancer with all the passion burning inside her as she bursts across the room.


Absolutely beautiful and hopeful piece by Italian contemporary composer, Ludovico Enaudi :)I'm learning to appreciate music just as it is, without the translation of lyrics or words. Just as it is. Just as I am.

love and marriage.

Despite the little faith that is in me, i've come to recognize that i have a genuine fear of marriage. I cannot bring myself to say that I'm ready for marriage blah. Although there are alot of Christians who believe that dating HAS to lead to marriage, and say easily that they're ready and just waiting to meet the right person, to me, the barrier to dating is huge enough to block out the view of the larger barricade of even considering marriage down the road. That kind of internal struggle to even acknowledge my liking towards any guy is epic; let alone to say i can love. it seems that i've still quite some way to go before i can take even a dating relationship lightly and with carefree ease.

A dear Nav sister has already been chronically depressed over BGR woes for a year plus now. Her best years in university are being wasted away as she is unable to let go and let God. Swinging over to the other spectrum are friends in relationships who are so inward-looking and absorbed with one another that we're drifting apart. Dad doesn't talk at all at home now and he's starting to be like a stranger to me. Mum doesn't talk about it but i cannot even begin to imagine the kind of alienation she must be feeling. Isn't this an absolutely frightening sequence of events? To be depressed over your singlehood -> Shut out the rest of the world when you're attached -> then live out the belief that you're trapped in a loveless marriage. It's utterly disconcerting. Granted, not all relationships are this dismal or take such a progression, but the possibility of it is scary.

I'm so tired of seeing all these negative relationships. God show me Your goodness manifested in relationships. A swinging Christian single loving, fearing, serving you. A Christian dating couple loving, fearing, serving you. A Christian married couple loving, fearing, serving you. All joyously and completely devoted to You.

scream.

the sound i hate most, is the sound of screaming. of people screaming at one another, of a mother losing control of herself and screaming incessantly at her children. I was rudely distracted by a mother screaming at her child in the neighbourhood close to 11pm. i couldn't really make out what the crying and pleading child was screaming, but the mother just kept going, "I need to go to work now!" over and over, and the heartwrenching cries of the child continued. The mum was screaming so hysterically that there were instances when the screams were noise without words. Bloodcurdling. I thought there might be murder soon. One whole hour of that drama.

I found myself clenching my fist as i hear the screams continue, in part out of fear, in part out of anger. Whatever can justify this display of frustration?

I find it very hard to forgive mothers who emotionally abuse their children. Very. I have almost a hatred for that kind of irresponsibility. A child who grows up with this kind of abuse, even if it was only for a night, will bear the scars of it deep within the heart for the rest of his or her life. The trauma of it all is irreversible. If you are a parent, you have every responsibility to love your child, whether or not it was your choice, whether or not it's your biological child, whether or not you feel up to it. I'm very upset.

This is yet another reminder that when the time comes, I want to be a good mother. A mother who loves, a mother who disciplines, a mother gentle with her children but strong in the Lord.

Rediscovering You.

I feel like i'm rediscovering God in my life. He's always there but I feel that i've been busy introspecting my life that it slipped my mind that all my troubles and thoughts are only a prayer away from getting clarified and given direction. It's funny how i'm able sometimes to remember it's God carrying me through work and deadlines but forget that it is also He who will take care of relationships, my heart, my friends, my family. I was calibrated back to God's plan for my life yesterday.

One thing that i'm learning is that God wants me to seek Him. Very fundamental statement to make, but very profound implications for living daily. The quote from James in the previous post is a written promise that whatever we ask God in prayer, He will show us the way. Whether to do this or not. Whether He will lead this way or another. Sometimes, it's not an immediate answer, but as long as we continue our path, consciously open to His leading, it will be crystal clear that His hand is at work.

I sense God's leading me to University of Birmingham this summer. There were alot of human factors why i would not go, but God is divine and much more resourceful than I am. Would you pray with me for His provision, and most important, that my faith in Him will continue to grow. With Him in my life, i have nothing to hide, nothing to prove, nothing to lose.

.

James 1:5-7

If you need wisdom—if you want to know what God wants you to do—ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.

my blue shadow.

a pervasive fear of drifting, never able to find all that is right, never finding an anchor point to set my roots deep in. the word i fear most is compromise, because i do it so instinctively day-to-day. always willing to settle for less, always willing to give others the benefit of doubt, always willing to sya "it's ok, i'll settle it", always preparing for the burial of a new ideal, always willing to let a new resolve slip because it takes effort to maintain. The greatest fear is that it becomes a habitual character flaw to compromise and make do with, because of fear of disequilibrium, fear of loneliness, fear of delayed gratification which might not come. the schizophrenia persists daily, between the opposite personas of the compromiser and perfectionist. It is a catch 22 situation when there is no satisfaction, no perfect equlibrium, a state of pendulating.

i really need you to be stronger than me in every way.
i really need you to be steadfast and constant, even as i permutate.
i really need you to be the anchor, even as i hesitate.
i really need you to exist...
my blue shadow.

bodytalk.

I was talking to CJ at length yesterday and she said some things that got me thinking. She shared with me how she's keeping to a diet and exercise that she might lose more weight, because her ideal woman is magazine-model slim. She explained that every woman's ideal woman-to-be is different; whilst other women value intelligence and seeks to increase their knowledge to be the ideal woman in her mind, her ideal woman is of that physical build and hence she has no qualms about working towards it. Just as how some women value and appreciate her curves, she values and appreciates "petite", even if it might mean being "flatter".

I think it's fine to love gyming. i do. I think it's fine to gym towards an ideal body type. i do hope to achieve that. But i'm hesitant to say that it's a purposeful purpose in life. A fantastic and healthy body is an important subset of living here on earth now (because it is the temple of the Holy Spirit), but it cannot be the basis for day-to-day living, because this body we have is only temporary. I shudder to think that before the throne when Jesus asks me what i did with my time here on earth as His child i would to say "eh, i diet-ed, worked and gymed". How different would i be from people who don't know Him? How am i to reflect His Glory and be His light and salt when all i am preoccupied with my cocooned existence?

Juxtaposition

I'm glad i can finally "release" my film paper now that submission's over. i heart it alot, because I "sense" the writing flow, even more coherently than they were in my mind as i crafted it. Writing to me, is more than a set of words, sentences or paragraphs strung together. It is a very beautiful and elegant woman, articulate in her longings and pensive thoughts, sensitive and sincere. Every time i start on something, it's like knocking on her door and asking her what she has to convey. Going deeper and deeper into her pensive thoughts and emotions. By the time a piece of satisfactory writing is done, i feel that i have connected with and understood her. Weird as it may sound, t's a living relationship.

“Write an essay that discusses Chungking Express in relation to In the Mood for Love, or In the Mood for Love in relation to Chungking Express. Your essay should be centered on one or a few key points. Your essay must also contain some discussion of Wong’s use of the film medium in the two films.”

Wong Kar Wei’s films invoke a sense of déjà vu; an evocation of romantic longings and fleeting chances. Juxtaposing the two films, one finds Chungking Express (CKE) idiosyncratic, whilst In the Mood for Love (ITMFL) nostalgic to the point of being larger than life.

The Concept of Time

Love vanquishes time. To lovers, a moment can be eternity, eternity can be the tick of a clock. -Mary Parrish

In CKE, the sense that time is moving forward is strong. The monologue of 223 reveals an obsession with time and remembrance; each centimeter of contact is recounted, each minute a significant marker of time. There is a positive anxiety to capture memories and time; a “canning of time” in order to capture the meaning of what has transpired in his life. The story of 633 is less relentless in its pursuit of time, but the blasting music “California Dreaming” constantly reminds us that Faye’s utopia has not yet come and behind the fast food counter, she is in a state of waiting. Even when Faye breaks into 633’s house, “Dreams” replay each time, giving us a premonition that something is waiting to happen.

ITMFL on the other hand, slowly ushers one down the memory lane nostalgically and leaves one unable to leave it. Time is almost static in ITMFL, with a looming clock that has no second hand to signify the passing of seconds. Time moves in blocks of moods rather than units of minutes, with Lizhen’s dazzling array of cheongsams as the only significant marker of time in the story. There is the stylistics to reinforce the languid pace; the tracking camera that follows Li Zhen up and down the steps with her thermoflask gives a nostalgic significance to the moment. Shot in slow motion, the whirling, tendril-like cigarette smoke from Chow dances against the light hauntingly and bids the audience to remember the smoke, to remember the wistfulness of that moment. The timelessness of memory pervades.

Emotions.

Events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order the continuous thread of revelation.

-Eudora Welty

The use of slow motion in both films highlights the emotional state of the characters relative to the world around them. If 633 was lost in melancholic thoughts after being jilted, Li Zhen was trapped in loneliness with her husband’s absence. In CKE however, the presentation is more literal; 633 drinks black coffee at a snail’s crawl in melancholy as the world around him rushes forward. The same cinematic technique is used more subtly in ITMFL as Li Zhen’s slowed-down, stretch-printed ascent and descent along the stairway with thermoflask in hand, as well as her languid graceful movements near the mahjong table as she mingles with others; exemplifies her loneliness despite the activity and people around her.

Another dimension to the slowness of events portrayed is Kundera’s secret bond between slowness and memory, where slowness is directly proportional to the intensity of memory.[i] The inter-title at the start of ITMFL sums up the mesh of unspoken emotions, raw longings and misty sight of the past in Chow’s memory.[ii] Chow’s memories of meeting Li Zhen at the noodle stalls, enjoyable times in 2046, and pensive moments in his newspaper office are all slowed down and savored. The intensity of 633’s memory of his failed relationship is likewise represented in the extreme slow motion of his coffee drinking. For 223, time is stopped altogether to mark the significance of the moment where he bumps into the blonde and Faye.

In both ITMFL and CKE, close proximity does not mean emotional closeness. The characters get close enough to the point of touching, but not quite. 223 recounts his “0.01cm” distance from the blonde and Faye respectively with a matter-of-factness; Li Zhen and Chow similarly brush past each other along the narrow corridors and stairways, with an air of quiet reticence between them. In CKE, the emotional distance was that of alienation as people are lost in their internal thoughts, whilst the repressed behaviour and emotions of Lizhen and Chow are as much a result as social decorum and respectability as Lizhen's unwillingness to be like their spouses, who have gotten into an extramarital affair. The irony is that Lizhen and Chow were slowly falling in love too, albeit in a waltzing pattern of “Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps”, but their love is unconsummated and therein the beauty of a mood for love, forever embalmed in memory.

Attire in both films hence becomes a vehicle for emotions and passions to be expressed; consequently, restraint of attire is a reflection of restrained emotions. The more carefree attire of 223 and Faye is a contrast to the prime and proper 633, where in public space, his hair is always immaculately combed and shirt tucked in. The blonde is always decked in her wig, sunglasses and raincoat. The duo finds emancipation from their restraint by the end of the movie segments. Symbolically, 633’s shirt is un-tucked when Faye comes back from California and the blonde drops her wig after murdering her lover. Along a similar vein, attire in ITMFL reflects the required restraint of passions in 1960s Hongkong[iii] and both Chow and Li Zhen have their hair and attire immaculately in place throughout the movie, juxtaposed with a less formal and promiscuous Ping. However, emotions are never emancipated for the couple; Li Zhen remains composed as tears roll down her cheeks in room 2046 when she realized Chow had already left for Singapore.

Hence, the voluptuousness of emotions in ITMFL that reside within the characters bursts unto the colours around them. “Unbearable nostalgia”[iv], that of knowing the inevitable death of one’s love, is hence imparted to the vivid colours of Lizhen’s cheongsams, the bedsheets of Chow’s room, even the colours of the aged walls. Those colours are reminiscent of a time charged with pent up emotions, a time that was more colourful in Chow’s memory than what actually was. They lure the modern audience into believing that the 1960s had more vibrant colours, more life. Rather than an accurate portrayal of the real 1960s, it is perhaps more fittingly, Chow’s subjective memory of a wistful past. Emotions in CKE are similarly displaced onto inanimate objects and rituals. 633’s melancholy from being dumped by his air stewardess girlfriend is displaced onto his bar of soap, rag, soft toy. 223 creates a ritual for himself (buying cans of pineapples with an expiration dated 1 May), imparting much emotional tenacity to a senseless activity. Faye’s adoration for 633 is similarly displaced onto her routine of cleaning up 633’s apartment. Both Faye’s break-in into 633’s house and Li Zhen’s break-in into Chow’s apartment in Singapore is a metaphorical and oblique way of moving into the heart of the man they yearn for, because both lack the courage to bring their feelings to fruition. When dreams threaten to come true, Faye puts it on hold by escaping to California. Li Zhen on the other hand, remains silent on the phone even as Chow waits for her to speak.

Space

Love is space and time measured by the heart. –Marcel Proust

In CKE, the high density of the whirling mass of faceless people who surround the characters and crammed spaces[v] creates a deep sense of alienation. ITMFL however, is reminiscent of a time where people were crammed together in a claustrophobic space and forming a community where they borrow newspapers from each other and have meals together. Characters are always negotiating crammed, narrow spaces and corridors. The spying camera places the audience as a voyeur and neighbour, always behind something, peeking in and eavesdropping in a living space with high human density. The only time that Li Zhen and Chow could be free from prying eyes and chatter is during their dinners together and thereafter, along the lonely night streets that were stripped of other people or street furniture. Even on the broad streets however, they are frequently shot behind the barred windows and in a cab, maintaining them in a claustrophobic space, signifying their trapped existence in a close knit community where tongues wag at the slightest misstep one makes.

At the same time, space is presented as a repository of memories. The occasional empty shots of the street lamp, the common corridor between the two families and the empty street void of people long after the characters leave. The space takes on a life of its own, inviting the audience to fill in the elliptical gaps in the story. Lizhen walks past under the street lamp and after a short delay, Chow walks past in the opposite direction. Will they meet the next time they pass through? The street lamp seems to ponder as the original score carries the characters through the space. True enough, they do, as the rain patters down against the light from the street lamp.

Juxtaposition

CKE as as forward-looking and hopeful as ITMFL is nostalgic and wistful. The stories might be different, but underlying them, Wong's distinctive themes of memories, chance and regret remain the same. The concept of time, display of emotions and use of space echo these themes in the two films.

---

[i] “There is a secret bond between slowness and memory, between speed and forgetting. Consider this utterly commonplace situation: a man is walking down the street. At a certain moment, he tries to recall something, but the recollection escapes him. Automatically, he slows down. Meanwhile, a person who wants to forget a disagreeable incident he has just lived through starts unconsciously to speed up his pace, as if he were trying to distance himself from a thing still to close to him in time… the degree of slowness is directly proportional to the intensity of memory; the degree of speed is directly proportional to the intensity of forgetting” (Kundera, Milan. Slowness. Trans. Linda Asher. London: Faber and Faber, 1996. pg 35-35)

[ii] It is a restless moment.
She has kept her head lowered,
to give him a chance to come closer.
But he could not, for lack of courage.
She turns and walks away.

That era has passed.
Nothing that belonged to it exists any more.

He remembers those vanished years.
As though looking through a dusty window pane,
the past is something he could see, but not touch.
And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct.

[iii] The landlord lady criticizes Lizhen for wearing beautiful cheongsams “just to get noodles” and the boss finds the new tie by his young mistress too flamboyant.

[iv] The “unbearable nostalgia” describes a situation in which, even though one’s beloved is present, one sees no future, or “your beloved’s death is, invisibly, already present”. (Kundera, Milan. Identity. Trans. Linda Asher. London: Faber and Faber, 1998)

[v] Both 223 and 633’s apartments, Midnight Express Chungking Mansions are all crammed spaces.

political theory

I do not believe in the absolute determinism of history. On the contrary, I believe that all life, and consequently, the life of hstory, is made up of simple moments, each of them relatively undetermined in respect of the previous one, so that in it reality hesitates, walks up and down, and is uncertain whether to decide for one or other of various possibilities. it is this metaphysical hesitancy which gives to everything living its unmistakable character of tremulous vibration.

"The Revolt of the Masses" Jose Ortega y Gasset

this is my life. The life of a political theory student labouring under the force of contemporary ideas of what public life means. It is intellectual acrobatics and it is labour, but the consolation is that these ideas are rejuvenating even at this time when i'm re-reading them and trying to fit them into a coherent paper. The greatest gift of work to me, is to be continually inspired by what i'm learning and processing.

a cold heart in the heat of the summer.

a posture of yearning, yet privy to none that might pry.
a picture of perfection, yet frozen in fear.
a position of despair, yet too weary to be calibrated

goodbye.

Last Political Theory class. We took a class photo!
There's something about being in an Honours Class; everyone kinda knows one another and when the music fades and the last dance's over, everyone still lingers on the dance floor to catch the last wisp of nostalgia. And boy, was it an awesome dance. Much humour, laughter, idiosyncrasies and intellectual debates. I'm really thankful for Dr Pellerin and how he insisted that we hold discussions after he lectures even though there were protests. It really facilitated learning, interaction and friendships.

CS wrote me a letter because it's the last time we will meet each other whilst he is still an undergraduate. i'm really quite touched. Thank God for friendships. He has been a good senior and brother-in-Christ to me; both of us believe that God has been deliberate in making our paths meet. As a believer i do think that everyday of my life is orchestrated by a loving and sovereign God, but it's usually more acute in certain relationships than others. I know that CS will go forth as light into the world :)

I think RL Boy said "i think i'll miss you" before we parted but i'm not sure. Or i'm pretty sure he said it but i'm disbelieving that he would say something like that directly. He's been a friend, despite a certain degree of discomfort on my part. Till now he's pretty much still a stranger whose motivations i do not fully grasp but i always choose the side of humanity and friendships over schemes and evil intentions. Yes, there is the sinfulness of man and the deceitful heart to contend with, but by and large I believe the human race is capable of good, because God is good. I'm getting ahead of myself by talking in such macro, moralistic terms! I just pray that one day he will come to know Jesus as the only way, truth and the life. I believe it's tiring for agnostics who think through theology thoroughly and yet find no satisfactory conclusion. After class RL and i would usually hang out but today i decided to lunch with Vania to catch up with her. She's such a perky and likable girl to be with.

I remember saying how lonely i was last semester and i prayed specifically for God to bring me more friends. And He did! I feel like i've a whole new wardrobe of them. Whatever it is, i still thank God that He has put all these different people along my path this season. I've learnt and grown much and I believe it's to prepare me for greater Glory that's in Him.

goodbye, till we meet again.

The Prophet. On Love.

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

More of The Prophet.

space in togetherness.

“You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when
the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cups but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

- ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran

What a beautiful rendition of love, one that has said all that is to say about love. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keep, for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. stand together yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and cypress grow not in each other's shadow. This is love as God has created and there is so much beauty in it. spaces in togetherness, because there has to be room for God. I'm inspired and awed.

unbearable phonecalls.

why are couples so mushy and disgusting? Don't tell me it's sour grapes. it's true that they talk and act different around each other. my sister never talks to me that way. i get incredible goosebumps listening to my sister's mushy phone conversations almost every night. to imagine it's only one side i'm hearing and it's already so unbearable. eeks. And i'm always playing the irritating "younger" sister making gagging noises and pretending to throw up whilst she goes on and on. eeks.

the grass is not greener.

My current favourite text is The Constitution of Liberty by Friedrich Hayek. He's a lucid and matter-of-fact thinker with amazing writing. But i'm mentioning him because i'm borrowing an interesting term that he uses in explaining how inequality breeds progress. It's only when people are unequal that the more well-endowed is free to have experiments in living, which will lead to civilization's progress. because of him, my young idealist socialist tendencies have waned a little. i think it's a good thing to adjust one's beliefs once in a while when one knows so little. the beauty of being a green horn in life. but i've to move on to the meat of this post, which is far more trivial and interesting.

A thought that left an imprint on me a couple of years ago was during my time in City Harvest, when this male friend, in explaining the phenomena of a pretty cell group leader bring hordes to church each week, gracefully said, "U know why? It's because no one would mind a pretty friend." Whether or not you are a believer you would agree to going to church because you have eyes on a certain someone is a little dishonourable. But of course it's not a sin and God does miracles even with wrong motives of the heart. I started off with mixed motives myself. But the point is not in the churchgoing phenomena or religion, but it is that the very matter-of-fact statement has deep social meanings embedded in it. being the overlooked, prideful, imperfect, envy harbouring, insecure female that i was (and still am), i was of course a little offended by this little fact of life.

A few years of pondering and experiments in living, I've come to the (i hope, humble) conclusion that i have perhaps managed to take a peek at the other side of the field and it's not that greener. In fact, it has a lot less vitality and pure vibrancy with all that pollutants in the air. This semester especially has been a slight change for my shell, pulling off a little more glamour and glitter just for a change. And I have noticed slight differences in how people treat me. Look deeper, they are not slight differences, but more accurately, superficial differences. A different group of people take the initiative to talk and posture to make an impression. I'm simultaneously taken more seriously and more frivolously. (well, usually frivolously until i open my mouth to prove that i am not an airhead.) I am now utterly convinced that i will never be impressed with a male hunky (usually superficial of course) airhead in the long run. In many ways i'm still vulnerable to being taken in at the onset by beauty but give me a few weeks (okay, sometimes months) when the character shines through, there's no way to hide and God shows me how empty the way of the world is.

I know this sounds like i'm enlisting into a nunnery of some sort. But you know what i mean. Everyone has met eye candy material who turns out to be that and nothing else. Candy that does not satisfy true hunger. I saw the look RL Boy exchanged with his male friend and i knew it was some immature male ego thing going on. I'm half reminding myself not to be offended by this act of female objectification but it's still not a comfortable thought.

If nothing else, this experiment of living has shown me the value of depth. and it truly weighs heavier than fluff.

Zardo's streets.

Veurnes Street in Belgium

Bruxelles Street

by Zardo, a new fav.

I love his shots of empty streets. The skewed lines and looming presence in the Veurnes shot is breathtaking. It's one of my favorites. The warmer lighting in Bruxelles Street seem to be one of the rare gentler shots that he takes. the stoic gothic buildings are always juxtaposed with the sky and tormented clouds, which give them a breathe of majestic life.

i'm alive!

it hit me that living the eternal life means that my entire being is so exciting and different from the rest of the world. i'm constantly seeking God's will and God's way in every aspect of my life and the reality of it grounds me and gives me strength and joy even in the midst of the most arduous trials and journeys. I can learn so much about myself and my future one day, just talking and keeping the communication lines between me and God open. I'm seeking God for my calling although i think deep down i might still be scared to receive it. It's a trust issue at the root of it; whether i have enough faith to trust God that His calling for my life is the best for me. My mind knows the answer, but my heart has to be fortified to be made vulnerable. Sounds a little paradoxical huh. But i believe that Jesus has to fortify my heart with faith because i have so little of it.

On Love and Marriage

What we call "being in love" is a glorious state, and, in several ways, good for us. It helps to make us generous and courageous, it opens our eyes not only to the beauty of the beloved but to all beauty, and it subordinates (especially at first) our merely animal sexuality; in that sense, love is the great conqueror of lust. No one in his senses would deny that being in love is far better than wither common sensuality or cold self-centredness. But, as I said before, “the most dangerous you can do is to take up any one impulse of our own nature and set it up as the thing you ought to follow at all costs”. Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. you cannot make it the basis of a whole life. it is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called “being in love” usually doesn’t last. If the old fairy-tale ending “They lived happily ever after” is taken to mean “They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married”, then it says what probably never was or ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live with that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But of course, ceasing to be “in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in the second sense – love as distinct from “being in love” – is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not love yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be “in love” with someone else. “Being in love” first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on “being in love” forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think it proves they have made a mistake and are entitled by change – not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamour will go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. in this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last. The sort of thrill a boy has at the first idea of flying will not go on when he has joined the R.A.F. and is really learning to fly. The thrill you feel on first seeing some delightful place dies away when you really go to live there. Does that mean it would be better not to learn to fly and not to live in the beautiful place? By no means. In both cases, if you go through with it, the dying away of the first thrill will be compensated for by a quieter and more lasting kind of interest. What is more, it is just the people who are ready to submit to the loss of the thrill and settle down to the sober interest, who are then most likely to meet new thrills in some quite different direction. The man who has learned to fly and become a good pilot will suddenly discover music; the man who has settled down to live in a beautiful place will discover gardening.

This is, I think, one little part of what Christ meant by saying that a thing will not really live until it first dies. It is simply no good trying to keep any thrill: that is the very worst thing you can do. Let the thrill go – let it die away – go on through that period of death into the quieter interest and happiness that follow – and you will find you are living in a world of new thrills all the time. But if you decide to make thrills your regular diet and try to prolong them artificially, they will all get weaker and weaker, and fewer and weaker, and you will be a bored, disillusioned old man for the rest of your life. it is because so few people understand this that you find many middle-aged man and women maundering about their lost youth, at the very age where new horizons ought to be appearing and new doors opening all around them. It is much better fun to learn to swim than to go on endlessly (and hopelessly) trying to get back the feeling you had when you first went paddling as a boy.