Unable to perceive the shape of You, I find You all around me. Your presence fills my eyes with Your love, It humbles my heart, For You are everywhere
To remember again, to love with abandon, the secret smiles and spring in one's step. The shape and substance of love. the love that drives one to courage and action. the yearning to be seen and be perceived as whole, complete, without lack. the loneliness that surrounds us but also binds us, into a tie that makes it impossible to leave without breaking off a part of ourselves. the folly, the abandon, the euphoria.
turning 32 thrusted me into an existential crisis, one which threatens to overwhelm and breach the brinks of my joy and satisfaction in what I should enjoy. I found myself deeply unhappy with what i do not have, and what I had in abundance, I could not be thankful for. I rested with spite, my thoughts filled with dissatisfaction, my yearnings turning bitter with every indication of other people's haves. I coveted, I pained, I wept at the injustice of it all. I focused on me and my wants. But did I really want all that I did not have? I do not know. I just wanted someone to tell me - it is alright, you are fine, you have all that you need, all that would bring you joy. but no one could, because no one was me, no one was the one who made me.
As I am, oh the love of which I am unable to perceive the shape of.