J'ai observé le film "Peau d'âne" seul à l'Alliance Française sur un caprice hier dans la nuit puisque(depuis que) j'étais une heure tard.

bumble bee once again.

dazzling business occupies my mind and time once again, which is good. once again i don't have to give a blank look when people ask me what i'm busy with coz honestly i haven't been very busy and i wonder why everyone else keeps an account of what they've been doing day after day after day. at least now i'm really DOING sth that i can report to every well-meaning conversationalist i meet in life. I plucked up the courage, therie prayed, God pointed His finger and i went to the church chorale audition! :) it was the best choice i could have made, since the alternative is to chicken out and to feel like a loser for the rest of the month. My interviewer was Wynn, which is a God choice because he was from NTU Nav and could totally understand my struggle of when and how to transit from campus ministry (Nav) to church setting. he ended the interview with a prayer and i'm reminded once again that there is really something exceptional about praying Christian men! :) the presence of God in a person's life is truly attractive. I pray that in my life too, i may exhibit more of the fragrance of Christ :)

the restless jack of all ambitions speaks.

I can't decide if i hate my recent reticence in committing to any one thing more, or my older and as detestable 3-min enthusiasm that gets me up and running from one project to another without really completing anything i can call my own. I need some sort of focus and direction in life, a motivation that will direct all my energies in proper avenues that will bring forth satisfying results and fruit I can rest with. This restless energy that propels me to jump from one ship to another is making me unfruitful and stressed. not a very healthy state of being. the oscillation of wanting to do this, maybe not, oh well doesn't hurt to try, shucks! no commitment pls! is making me miserable. i feel as spineless as a wobbly jellyfish.

Hello there!

my house under construction right here :)
excited and occupied i must say, just experimenting with html, colours, pictures.
i envision a portfolio, a journal, a reprise right here.
Am going to transport all my writings, thoughts here slowly so everything is at once place.
just like how my soul should be all at one place.
I just hope i have enough time to pull this together before school and activities flood me.

Je ne veux pas travailler

Ma chambre a la forme d'une cage
(my room is shaped like a cage)
Le soleil passe son bras par la fenêtre
(the sun stretchs its arm through the window)
Les chasseurs à ma porte
(the hunters are at my door)
Comme les p'tits soldats
Qui veulement me prendre

Je ne veux pas travailler
(I don't want to work)
Je ne veux pas déjeuner
(I don't want lunch)
Je veux seulement l'oublier
(I only want to forget)
Et puis je fume
(and then I smoke)

Déjà j'ai connu le parfum de l'amour
(Already, i knew the scent of love)
Un million de roses n'embaumerait pas autant
(A million roses not emblemed as yet)
Maintenant une seule fleur dans mes entourages
(Now a single flower in my entourage)
Me rend malade
(It makes me sick)

Je ne veux pas travailler
(I don't want to work)
Je ne veux pas déjeuner
(I don't want lunch)
Je veux seulement l'oublier
(I only want to forget)
Et puis je fume
(and then I smoke)

Je ne suis pas fièrce de ça
(I am not that fierce)
vie qui veut me tuer
(who wants me killed)
C'est magnifique être sympathique
(Its wonderful to be good)
Mais je ne le connais jamais
(But I never know how to)

Je ne veux pas travailler
(I don't want to work)
Je ne veux pas déjeuner
(I don't want lunch)
Je veux seulement l'oublier
(I only want to forget)
Et puis je fume
(and then I smoke)

Je ne suis pas fièrce de ça
(I am not that fierce)
vie qui veut me tuer
(who wants me killed)
C'est magnifique être sympathique
(Its wonderful to be good)
Mais je ne le connais jamais
(But I never know how to)

Salut

Salut, c'est encore moi
(hello, it's me again)
Salut, comment tu vas?
(hello, how have you been?)
Le temps m'a paru très long
(it's been a long time it seems)
Loin de la maison, J'ai pensé à toi
(far from home, i thought of you)


Je un peu trop navigué
(i have sailed a little too)
Et je je me sens fatigué
(and i feel tired)
Fais-moi un bon café
(give me a cup of good coffee)
J'ai une histoire à te raconter
(i have a story to tell)
Il e'tait une fois
(Once upon a time)
Quelqu'un que tu connais bien
(someone you know well)
Il est parti très loin
(he has gone very far)
Il s'est perdu, il est revenu
(he was lost and he has returned)

Salut, c'est encore moi
(hello, it's me again)
Salut, comment tu vas?
(hello, how have you been?)
Le temps m'a paru très long
(it's been a long time it seems)
Loin de la maison, J'ai pensé à toi
(far from home, i thought of you)

Tu sais, j'ai beaucoup changé
(you know, i have changed alot)
Je m'etais fait des idées
(i have big ideas)
Sur toi, sur moi, sur nous
(about you, about me, about us)
Des idées folles, j'étais fous
(these ideas are crazy, i am a crazy fool)
Tu n'as plus rien a me dire
(You have nothing else to say to me)

Je ne suis qu'un souvenir
(i am just a memory)
Peut être pas trop mauvais
(maybe it's not too bad)
Jamais plus ne te dirai
(Never again do you say)

Salut, c'est encore moi
(hello, it's me again)
Salut, comment tu vas?
(hello, how have you been?)
Le temps m'a paru très long
(it's been a long time it seems)
Loin de la maison, J'ai pensé à toi
(far from home, i thought of you)

the weight of sin.

the heaviness of sin weighs heavily upon my heart, and no doubt, it's the weight of the tears of the Holy Spirit within me although it is not my sin i bear. yet what a resemblance to the sinfulness that resides in my flesh, my common heritage from Adam and Eve. Sin is imbued in our DNA, each and every one of us. And when sin becomes so real, either committed or witnessed; it is so inescapable that sin grieves God because of His Spirit in me. And i realize that my values have been changed permanently and there is no way i can indulge in certain things or see sufferings that arise from our sinful and broken world without that righteous yet loving grief in my heart.

The first sin that the Lord confronted me in my walk with Him was a lie i told, a white lie that the world would call, but the Lord pressed His thumb upon me and i felt the sin causing my bones to waste away and my heart to melt away. For the first time, i cried because it was so clear to me how a little lie says so much about the evilness of my heart and how little i loved my dear friend. I cried out as David did in Psalm 32.

The sinfulness of my heart was again revealed when i found myself recoiling from loving a brother because i sensed he loved me with more than the love of a brother. Ostensibly not to stumble myself or him, it was really the discomfort in my heart i wanted to avoid. My sin was the judgement and rejection i allowed into my heart due to pride. yes, pride. My cardinal sin.

A sexual sin can cause so much heartache to a couple when they break up and tear apart their souls, but it can also hurt those relationships that come after. it isn't fair, it isn't kind, because sin is evil in itself. i see her wipe her tears when she's watching the telly, i think of the disappointment and anger she must feel and it just pains my heart. this world system allows, encourages, facilitates, celebrate fornication and every kind of "sexual freedom"; but fornication is a blatant flageration of God's command to His children, a gratification of the self and flesh that can hurt other people in one's life and hurt God's heart. I feel so grieved for this young couple, yet i see God working to answer my prayer that something might happen to draw each of them closer to God. if this is Your way of drawing them to Your unfailing love, Lord i pray that Your hand of protection will be there to guide these 2 young hearts and souls.

Alan Fleischer's Time Exposures.

a great day out at SAM again, this time with kel because i was hoping the photographer could shed some light and give me a different perspective on Alan Fleischer's work. And to find out how he's doing. He arrived unceremoniously 1hr late with profuse apologies but i was feeling pretty ok. I've gotten used to lateness because i myself live with a internal clock slower than others by a couple of hours. I usually feel i have eternity to live, what's with standing on the NY streets for 1 hr to look at someone else's portrait being drawn by an artful hand? these things are the colours of my world and things that i remember well, much better than the myriad of colours in the Nine West shops. I love the arts and ideas. of representation and of the human psyche. We ended up catching up and talking about architecture and different cities over drinks overlooking Esplanade and the cool night air softly playing with my hair. the serenity of the city lights.

Sometimes i fear getting lost in my thoughts. sometimes i fear i stare so long into eternity that i would miss out the present and fail to live it to the maximum as i should. There are big things alright, but small things like exercise and appointments and grocery shopping and errands, i forget and let slip too often. Other times i suddenly take a look at myself inside out and panic that i have overlooked something important that will jeopardize my well being as an earthly being. Josh uploaded a photo we took yesterday and my first thought was: i think it's time to exercise and reduce those big arms. Jesus loves me whether or not i've huge arms, whether or not i have thunder thighs, whether or not i have unruly hair, whether or not i'm cleft-lipped, whether or not i'm blind, whether or not i am HIV-positive, whether i am fair or dark skinned but i still disappoint myself but not loving myself just as i am, most of all the time. there's always something i'm seeking to change or improve upon, which is a silly thing if i remember to KIV the fact that God made me and there's nothing i can do to make it better because i am perfect and good in His sight.

the sweet regret of wanderlust.

Posting one of the shortest but my favourite descriptions here. I enjoy it because it describes so succinctly and avidly the sweet regret of wanderlust, of meeting a city that one dreams of in his youth only to find that one is no longer young, and desires fade into memory:

"When a man rides a long time through wild regions he feels the desire for a city. Finally he comes to Isidora, a city where the buildings have spiral staircases encrusted with spiral seashells, where perfect telescopes and violins are made, where the foreigner hesitating between two women always encounters a third, where cockfights degenerate into bloody brawls among the bettors. He was thinking of all these things when he desired a city. Isidora, therefore, is the city of his dreams: with one difference. The dreamed-of city contained him as a young man; he arrives in Isidora at his old age. In the square there is the wall where the old men sit and watch the young go by; he is seated in a row with them. Desires are already memories. "

my angels.

i believe God loves me so much He sent me angels to guard over me. therie believes the writer in me more than i myself do and is like the conduit between me and God when i get lost in the world. my companion and prayer warrior. grace was the first to speak to me about God in my life and recommends to me the best deals in town (trust me, she knows absolutely the best). my informant. serene is the only friend whom i can memorise BOTH her home no. and handphone no. and recite when i speak in my slumber because of the number of years we chalked up just talking to one another over the airwaves. my evolving half. tzing is the sort of friend i smile at whenever i think of her because she's just special to me; spirited and quirky (yes she HATES the Q word but it's a compliment). Hwee is my dreamer counterpart but we're completely opposite in flavour; she's passive and practical. i'm active and floaty. we keep each other dreaming and grounded at the same time. my paradoxical counterweight. Ching is a constant in my life from rg days till now. her never-changingness protects my authenticity as a person.

other pple are less regular in frequency in my life but special nevertheless. Ling is my grand-friend; we promised to remain friends even when we become grandparents and will make our children befriend each other, no matter what it takes. gas chamber, anyone? ;) Kel is the only guy i have no qualms with to ring him up and hang out. KC is forever calling and sms-ing me to complain, inform and gossip. jian has an apt sense of humour that's very endearing.

and yes my Nav gang. they're the sort you will call up if you're kidnapped, because you know they'll pray so hard they'll move the heavens and the kidnappers :D