tomorrow

The sensation that the memory of living on another plane, is itself light years away from my consciousness. i try to remember that certain lightness of being, that steadfast confidence and assurance, only to find that the crux of it had disappeared, and the tangy taste of freedom seem to be forever estranged from my senses.

Whatever had happened to that simple faith that all things will turn out good without me having to fret? suddenly i find the world sitting placidly in my two hands, as if any strength wrongly executed could destroy the lump of heavy clay into a formless existence.

if only forever was only meaningful in the now. if only i had to shape things one day at a time. it would all be a very easy solution of hedonism of the mind, doing whatever my whim and fancy allowed with no long term implications. Yet i've been compelled to see into the crystal ball, to make decisions that promise many tomorrows ahead.

and i realise i can't make promises. because i'm incapable of keeping them.

Boaz, not Bozo!

A post from 10 months ago which inspired me then, and gave me new food for thought now. I suddenly remember, all that expectancy i had as a single girl.. and starting to appreciate this piece even more. Yet, in all honesty, a relationship is the last thing on my mind now. i'm taking a break from all these things.. and perhaps even from God. cruising along, cruising.

20 Dec 2008

No Bozos for me anymore. I want Boaz!

Amazing Excerpts from A Man Worth Waiting For by Jackie Kendall.

A man who was single until he was 53 responded with this...

An ideal man:
--Should have a passion for the quality of gentleness
--Should desire to crawl up into the lap of Jesus and abide there minute by minute each day.
--Should have a passion to be more Christlike in word, deed, and thought every minute of the day.
--Should be one who desires to control his tongue with the help of the Holy Spirit.
--Has a real desire for spiritual wisdom
--Is one who recognizes that he is of great importance/significance to God and therefore he cares for/loves himself in such a manner that he is able to love others as himself.
--Works to protect his heart and keep it open to the Holy Spirit and input from other brothers and sisters in Jesus.

Another response....

Integrity is the first thing that comes to mind. What you see is what you get. He is the same person with his family, on his job, with his friends...he is consistent. Doesn't have anything to hide from the Lord.

Wisdom. Very difficult thing to come by, because wisdom is from the Lord. Many people have knowledge, and it sounds good, but it isn't right. When we have wisdom from the Lord, we will always find God's best.

Humility. If a man has integrity and wisdom, there will always be people who want him. When that happens, it is easy to get caught up in ourselves, and fall prey to the three G's: the glory, the glitter, and the girls. The first two strengths then become a weakness, because it robs God of His glory.


Excerpt from the section "Make Him Climb, Girl":

"Make him climb a tree. The climbing would test his calf muscles and his perseverance. The top of the tree is where the best fruit is; the rotten fruit drops to the ground. A Bozo guy is content with what is on the bottom branches and even what has dropped rotten to the ground, but only a Boaz has the calf muscles-character-to climb to the top of a tree for the best fruit (you).

Psalm 80:12 says, "But now, why have you broken down our walls so that all who pass may steal our fruit?" When I read this verse I thought, You can't steal the fruit high up in a tree as easily as you can the fruit that is hanging on the lowest branches. Broken walls let trespassers into a garden....allow Jesus to place some building blocks in your hands that will rebuild where your wall has been broken. This wall of protection will not keep out an honorable Boaz. In fact, the man worth waiting for has the strength from God not only to climb a tree for you but also to scale a wall to win your heart: "For by You I can run against a troop, by my God I can leap over a wall." (ps. 18:29) Don't settle for a guy who wouldn't leap over a wall for you or climb the highest tree for you! Your heavenly Bridegroom was willing to die for you; don't settle for less in an earthly bridegroom."

"A man of noble character knows how to love long-term. How important is character? That can be answered with another question: how important is love? Love that lasts beyond the seven year itch, love that lasts beyond financial setbacks, love for better or for worse is love that is supported by depth of character.

Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Emotions come and go, but a choice is reinforced by one's character. The problem today with many men is lack of real character development. Bozos love when they feel like it. Boazes love enduringly. The growth of character enhances a man's capacity to love well and long-term.

The commitment phobia that so many use as an excuse for singleness is a reflection of shallow character. Character and love are inextricably linked, as noted by author C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity: "Love, as distinct from being in love, is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity; maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by [in Christian marriages] the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God."

A man's character is revealed during times of trial. On a date in a controlled environment, a guy can appear to be a Boaz. But it is critical to have an opportunity to see how he responds to stress and disappointment because his response reveals his character. Moses wrote, "Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would really obey his commands." (Deut. 8:2)

When you're considering a guy's character, trying to discern if he is a Boaz or a Bozo, ask yourself: Is this person qualified to help me obey God? Another way to phrase it: Does this guy draw me closer to God or distract me from God?

A Boaz will encourage you to obey God.
A Bozo will encourage you to disobey God.

He who loves you most will help you obey God. My husband and I taught a large singles Bible study for five years. We challenged more than a hundred singles every week with this exhortation from Hebrews: "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Heb 10:24). Are you looking for a man who will encourage you to obey God, or have you been spending time with a man who encourages you to disregard what God is showing you?"

A Man Worth Waiting For (MWWF) has Noble Character

--He Loves in Action as Well as Words

--He Inspires Respect

--He Exhibits the "Three I's"
Identity in Christ
Integrity in Life
Initiative

--He Protects
Physical Protection
Emotional Protection

--Sad to say, Christian girls today don't expect to be treated with honor. They don't expect guys to be in awe of them. They're so in awe of the guys, they'll do whatever the guys want! A normal, proper attitude toward you as a young woman is one of respect and protection. Men should protect your honor and your purity. A Boaz does.
Where do you think Boaz goe his sensitivity training? Consider his background. He was raised by a mom who knew firsthand how men can take advantage of women! Did you know that Boaz's mom was Rahab the harlot? Boaz was raised by a woman with a colorful past, but her wise choices decided her future destiny. Rahab chose the God of Israel, she rescued Israel's spies (who later saved her life), and she raised a boy who became a principled protector of women (Josh 2). Rahab trained her son to understand: guys are here to protect, not exploit women.

--He Provides
--At mealtime Boaz said to her, "Come over here. Have some bread and dip it in the wine vinegar." When she sat down with the harvesters, he offered her some roasted grain. She ate all she wanted and had some left over. As she got up to glean, Boaz gave orders to his men, "Even if she gathers among the sheaves, don't embarrass her. Rather, pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don't rebuke her." (Ruth 2:14-16)

After sharing lunch with her, Boaz even secretly arranged for greater provision! He was quite extravagant. As I previously noted, he went beyond what the Hebrew Law required for the needy. The Hebrew Law required only that Boaz give Ruth the leftovers of his harvest-but he gave from the harvest itself. Why does a woman settle for a man who is too self-absorbed to give her more than she needs? Why do women so willingly settle for crumbs? Why do so many bright, wonderful girls act like the needy teen I was in high school always paying for the privilege of being loved? Do women so want male attention that they are willing to pay for it rather than be the recipient of blessings initiated in secret, like Boaz's provision for Ruth?

When you're sorting through the Boazes from the Bozo's in your life, look at how a man gives. Does he give freely, generously, offer more than enough? Or does he cling to his wallet, dispersing funds reluctantly or morosely? A Boaz gladly provides.

A Bozo offers no security because he holds back financially and emotionally. A Boaz provides joyfully.

--He is a Persistent Pursuer
--Boaz approached Ruth first. He instigated their relationship. When she responded he was persistent in his pursuit. Such honorable pursuit and persistence stand in such contrast to the training that men today receive in relation to being a MWWF. From a young age, men are trained how to hide their feelings, how to win in a fistfight, how to hit a ball, how to shoot a gun, how to birdie on the sixteenth hole, and how to manipulate several remote controls simultaneously.

Some men live a whole lifetime and never master the science of How to Handle a Woman. The Apostle Peter had a wife, and he knew from firsthand experience what he wrote about in 1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands, dwell with [your wives] according to knowledge". The word "knowledge" comes from a Greek word meaning "science". A woman is a science to be studied and discovered, but so few men are coached or mentored into loving women as they need to be loved. We see in Ephesians that Paul's great commandment to men is to love them as much as Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). Talk about sacrificial love!

A Bozo will love a woman in whatever way he feels is best-in whatever way serves him, not her. A Boaz will love a woman in a way that shows his feelings-and persistence in meeting a woman's needs is one way he does this.

--He is a Prepared Partner
--Boaz was attuned to the heart and needs of the woman in his life. A prepared partner is always willing to attend to another's needs. We've seen that Boaz was responsive to Ruth's vulnerability both emotionally and physically. A Boaz expresses and acts on his compassion for others. A Bozo, on the other hand, focuses on himself. He may briefly pity someone in his life, but he doesn't actually do much to help her.

Boaz was a student of Ruth's heart in that he quickly ascertained her needs, quickly promised to take care of them, and quickly did! He protected her from harm, he soothed her fears, and he completed the legal legwork to marry her--all in a very short time! A lesser man would have taken no notice of this foreigner, wouldn't have thought about her safety, would have refused the hassle of taking on Ruth and her mother-in-law, and would have left the women to fend for themselves.

A Boaz of a guy speaks and acts in ways that heal a wounded woman, treating her like a princess even if she doesn't see herself as one.

--He is a Fighter of Battles
--Boaz was an overcomer. He was never one to shrink away from a challenge or let others do the fighting for him. We see this in the fact that he is wealthy. He had fought business battles to become successful. Second, he was single. In a marriage-oriented culture that considered sons as riches, he could have married any young woman. But he chose to remain single until the right woman came along. He fought the battles of loneliness and cultural pressure.

You and I have a heavenly Father who has set the standard so high through the biblical precedent of Boaz that we don't have to settle for men who can't, by faith, conquer the city of the enemy--whether it is the enemy of sexual temptation, greed or entitlement.

The battles a man wins before marriage are a forecast of the victories he will achieve after marriage.

What a man conquers before he is even married becomes a frame for future victory. Don't settle for a man who is not fighting the good fight of faith. The skirmishes he faces as a single man are only preparing him for the major wars that are ahead. A Bozo runs from conflict and battle. A Boaz faces and conquers it.

Jesus died on the cross to conquer sin and death for the sake of his bride (those who are His followers). Don't settle for a guy who isn't willing to boldly conquer the enemy in order to win the privilege of sharing this journey on this earth with you.

gothic princess

company D&D next week and i'm absolutely geared up for some glamourous role play whilst others might attempt to doll themselves up as witches, ghouls and pumpkins, hopefully. absolutely evil i have become huh. I was browsing for some ideas and stumbled upon this issue of Vanity Fair that took my breathe away. Absolutely stunning.

I will definitely come to own one (or more likely, several) of these stunning dresses when I have the serendipity of finding them. If not within the week, I'll go along with the Halloween Gothic Princess look that I'm putting together in my head:

this would be the perfect dress but then again it's too impractical to buy a dress i'll only wear for eh, Halloween parties, pass off as Victorian for Victorian themed parties and maybe COSPLAY!! haha. so i was discussing with my sis how to jazz it up using accessories.

sth slightly more practical and manageable since the individual items are easier to find.

excited.

the days are long and the night short.

and so i transformed the days into nights and slept through the static in my head.

I've been having such a repertoire of dreams that I suspect some of it is hallucination.

should i say, that my days have become gruesome. the silence is brutal, and the emptiness violent. gravity did its work on my soul and the corners of my mouth down-turned and forlorn. I really abhor this person I've morphed into, without hope, without personality, without a clear definition of who I am. My likes and dislikes no longer govern my preferences, my needs and wants no longer govern my decisions, my possessions and acquisitions no longer preoccupy me. I lied on the bed this morning, silently walking myself through all the things i can do, and the lacklustre of it all propelled me to sleep a little longer, 14 hours in all. it's true and apt, i've become a melancholic vegetable lost in my thoughts and hallucinations. I'm officially part of the walking dead club, those people i've always had pity on.

one thing that i have to admit, is that my sense of self had taken a hit in this entire relationship thing. it's not that I see myself lesser, God forbid. But I see myself a little lost, now that there isn't someone dragging me in one definite direction. There isn't someone to limit my decision-making liabilities to where to go for dinner, what to do for the coming weekend. There isn't someone to convince me that I was thinking too much, too far.

why am i holding on, i wonder. why can't i just move on, is the question. I think the answer should tell me where to move on to. I should be rejoicing in this new autonomy, it's just that I forgot where I was going before this. Where was I going, I'm trying to remember very hard. Who was I before this, I wonder. What preoccupied my thoughts before this?

I heard this song on the radio at the salon this morning. something about how long i'll take to get over you is how long we loved each other. there is an inkling of truth i suspect. even if the 3 months were that intense, the brutality i feel now should equate roughly to that isn't it. I give myself 3 months to get over this.

someone pinch me at the end of 3 months to check if i can feel anything.

renewal.

and so we ended. I can't fathom how some people can break up many times over a lifetime; for me, the first had better be the last. it was the feeling of someone forcibly pulling me into 2 halves, and no amount of pleading could get the pain to be dulled. the very first days of separation was extremely tough, amidst spasms of tears I could feel my heart wrenching and i couldn't help but tell myself and God that i couldn't take it. The first three days i couldn't help but cry all day long, an urgent need to get all the sadness to be purged from my body. The phone laid there on the speaker silently, no longer brimming over with i-love-you and what-are-you-doing messages. How trivial it seemed, to outsiders, yet i found myself hopelessly used to the daily sweet nothings. I wanted so much to reverse the decision and be able to have him in my life again. Yet some part of me was still rational enough to keep my weak self from crumbling to the deadly temptation of reaching out once again. I told myself that I would not drop a msg to him, at least till he was back. both of us need and deserve the space to be alone.

On Saturday night, I had a mental image of a phoenix stuck in my head; amidst a flood of fire tears, the charmed bird combusted into flames, and fell as a pile of ashes, only to emerge alive once again. renewed and alive. I saw an inkling of hope in that, that if i should be able to last it out this day, i could be alive once again the next. I woke up to a hopeful Sunday; the air was crisp and hope was as substantial as the warm sunlight on my skin. I was able to laugh and smile and hope once again. It was nothing short of a miracle.

I took 2 days off from work, to recuperate both inside and out. Decided to spend today working on photo collages for my office cubicle. there is something therapeutic about making and looking at photo collages. As i see my own smiling face alongside close friends and family over the years, i'm once again reminded of how rae-diant i once was and still can be. The realisation that i have grown and learnt and loved so much over the years, that I have so many people in my life who care, gives me alot of strength to carry on... and hope for even greater transformation.

carving out the space and time

time flies by in a blur as i continued to cruise on carefreely. times when i make the effort to dock and take stock, i get a shock at how time can be relative. it's only been four months since i started a few phase of my life, learning, absorbing, growing. 2 months since i've stumbled into love, and grown and learnt even more. it feels alot longer than months. feels like years. oh my. the intensity of it all seems to accelerate my flurry of emotions and ushered me into a whole new realm.

Love is tender, love is sweet. Love is also too elusive to demand that it fulfill every emotional need. i've come to appreciate and yearn even more, the stirring of the soul, the broadening of the mind, the elevation of living on a higher plane. Of absorbing and generating deep ideas and emotions that transcend the mundane everydayness of life(yes, sadly, the daily loveydoveyness does not satisfy completely). there needs to be a space carved out and preserved for the individual, to refresh, to dream, to explore, the deeper meaning and mystery of existence.

I've started to love the phrase "carve out the time and space". there's an artsy and whimsical ring to it, as if lovingly constructing a work of art for oneself. I just need to figure out what best to fill it up with. solitude? bright blue skies, seas and cotton clouds?

new dawning

it has been almost 2 months since i've waved singlehood goodbye.. and yet it feels a little uncertain, as my carefree heart continues to wander, drifting off once in a while. some days i have to consciously tell myself that there's someone else in my life that i should factor in when i make decisions and appointments. other days it seemed as if the world is my personal candy shop and i have nothing else in life to fight for. it's weird. now i understand why sappy love songs always harp on the theme of "is this really love" ever so often.

I have to say that not all is perfect, and it hasn't reached the point of being a stable relationship. in many ways it feels very compartmentalised, as if it's a separate part of my life from my friends and family and interests. i have been thinking alot, too much in fact, and bore considerable stress trying to figure out where this relationship is headed and whether it's a mistake and i should bail. fighting all the inner demons and insecurities. some days i really want to just give up.

yet when he holds my hand and i pray for us, i feel so safe and secure. I then see him for who he is. the solid rock of support that is ever constant.. and an awareness that God is watching over us.

more than a little waltzing and circling.

out of nowhere a knight appears on a white horse, declares that he has finally found the ONE he had been searching for all his life and promises to take care of the princess for the rest of her life.at this juncture the princess is SUPPOSED to be completely swept off her feet and throw caution to the winds, agree to get onto the white horse and they elope into the glorious happily-ever-after.

but of course, the princess is less than perfect, and is always torn between what OTHER people say is right, what she wants to do, and her deepest fears and insecurities. how do you know if this is the One? Is this too good to be true and there's a catch somewhere that this knight might wave goodbye when shit happens or passion cools off? she wants to throw everything into the wind, but everything ends up being flung in her face as her uncontrollable whims and fancies changes direction.

to cut the long story short, the prncess said yes, then no, yes, no and a half yes-no in the span of 2 weeks. the poor knight holds back his brimming tears with every heartbreak and healing, pulling himself together through the entire roller coaster ride. the princess is all too painfully aware that her constant yo-yoing can break the knight's heart once and for all, or to kill any spark of romance that can reside in a love story.

but she truly lacks the courage to say yes or no or even a maybe. as always, her wisdom rarely applies to her personal life, especially in the area of romance. she said wait.. but her actions and heart continue to yo-yo as the knight looks on with considerable trepidation.

does she really not know what she wants?

i frequently wonder at how some people are remembered as people of their word. that their word is their contract and never back out of a verbal agreement even if they lose a limb or two. appointments are adhered to, promises are kept and punctuality is as natural as the air they inhale.

and i will then quite naturally despair at my lack of commitment and trustworthiness. i could say that it's an airy-ness about my personality, or a tendency to keep my options open, but if i remove all the sugar coating that protects my ego, i just have a huge character flaw. i often say things and forget them, i change my mind more often than i change my clothes (that's very frequent, mind you), i make promises that i don't keep.

my spaced out behaviour has irritated a fair number of friends and i think it might be soon before i'm left with none.

sigh.

4 years.

4 years later, we meet at the same campus again. that distinctive handsome profile and confident stride. we're both markedly different by now, and lead markedly different lives, even if 4 years ago we were at the same crossroads. even if four years ago i thought we could be good friends if we had the chance to say hello. the hellos came and gone, the meetings and conversations over the couple of years faded into oblivion and soon we went back to leading our separate lives.

it would be more accurate to say that except for that crossroad where we both were lost, we are, by nature markedly different people. so different that i never found enough common ground to feel entirely comfortable around him. and he probably never quite understood me, since i was ever so self conscious around him.

and so, i still find it incredulous that he remains the only person that I still want so much to know, understand and befriend.

am i just a sucker for the tragic? that irrational desire. that irrational belief that he's different from all the others that i know and will ever know.

somewhere out there, beneath the pale blue sky...

my heart continues to be leaping in joy and expectation. at every turn of event, at every instance of meeting. expectations can no longer be managed, but surrendered or stalled for a fleeting moment. i'm made vulnerable by the emotions that well within, but by hanging on to hope, i am simultaneously made invincible. sometimes i think it is a precarious joy, because now and then i start thinking that it's all but a mirage. i hear a name here and there and i become a little wary. that those acts of kindness, the encouragement and support, the connections that we make, the teasing and sharing, are but non-exclusive friendly gestures. yet the most vivid image etched in my mind is us smiling carefreely at each other with a knowing look.

it's as if we could laugh and smile with the whole world, together.

work and be content - for this is the gift of God.

i enjoy work alot. alot more than i expected. it helps alot that a whole bunch of us entered the workplace together and there's always company for the tea-lunch-tea routine. i feel productive each day, excited to reach the office early so i have time to spend time with God, excited to start work, excited to be working, excited to be heading home. life is not a bed of roses, but it's alot like a garden right now. the awesome thing is that most that I've met - oldtimers- look happy to be working there too.

at the end of each day, I'm surprised at how content i am to head home, eat dinner, bathe, have my dose of red wine - and sleep. instead of feeling i wasted a day doing nothing - or work- i feel contented. starting to appreciate the verse in Ecclesiastes that says that work is a gift of God.

reunion

it felt a little surreal today, as if a vague dream suddenly pops to the fore from the back of my mind. It started off with the revelation and familiar voice calling my name in the van. viola! a connection made when I was 19 and pretty much disappeared for a long while becomes part of my adult world without warning. he is still as funny and witty, still has that ability to make people around him laugh out loud incessantly. no awkwardness, just a familiarity with a little distance that time had wedged between us.

it's cool that there are a group of us newbies bumming around by ourselves for a while. We're enjoying the non-intervention kinda orientation by ourselves, separate from the old timers. corny remarks, laughter and friendly digs fill the makeshift office space constantly. good vibes. i'm starting to appreciate the off-handed remark by some people that humour is one of the most precious gifts God has given to humankind. it's a miracle drug that bridges distance and cures boredom. a first day of work begins to feel like reunion.

updates

a whole myriad of happenings come crashing in, before the start of a new phase of life. hospitals, waiting, praying, wondering, silence, pacing, sitting outside the A&E department in the hot sun, switching my mp3 on and off, watching worried people pacing up and down the same corridor for news from the doctors, constantly sms-ing people to update them and to cancel on activities so i can be left alone to fight the battle. All strangers, yet a sense of camaderie as our eyes meet, and our minds preoccupied with the same uncertainty and worry.

In recent days I've become strangely used to fighting this alone physically, though i get assurances that prayers are being offered for me and my family. There came a point in time when I thought, how much easier it would be if there was someone standing by my side, and being my prayer warrior. But it's ok. i'm ok alone.

the weight of the world

i felt the weight of the world's obligations upon my shoulders again, so I made the decision to cancel most appointments for the last week and the coming one for myself. I said MOST, because I'm still pretty much a doormat at heart. I just can't bring myself to cancel on certain obligations. and so i compromise yet once again. It's so sad, on one level, that I have to live my life according to the needs of others. Yet I remind myself on another level that I am no island by myself after all; others need me as much as I need them and I can't just bail out on them as freely as I would want to.

Yet, how i wish i could disappear from the face of the earth legitimately, at least for one week?

POOF!

Much Ado About Everything

Caught the play, Much Ado About Nothing with the rest of the quartet at Fort Canning last Thursday. I enjoyed it thoroughly, both the company i had and the play itself. It's a different kind of dynamic with them, that is comfortable, interesting and fun. Perhaps coz each of us have such distinct personalities. Eugene the decisive leader of the pack who comes up with side-splitting comments when you're offguard. Therie the sweet-looking yet feisty LEGO doll with the hearty laughter. Darryl the practical philosopher who moves freely between reality and the realm of idealism. Rae the romantic fighting off their relentless environment-sustainability, rhetorical attacks on dreamy balloons floating into the night sky. And we all talk politics. You can't find a more interesting quartet, can you?

As for the play, I was a little wary of how much I could enjoy it at the start, since I never fancied myself to be a "play" person. I have always enjoyed the novel to the film adaptation of any story, due to the paucity of description that goes into film, and I quite naturally thought that a play would dilute a story even further. Alas, I now see the beauty of a play. the dynamism and space available for interpretation is immense, an art form that the pen or film cannot offer. Each medium causes a story to shine in its own way :)

The Shakespearean language took a little getting used to, so I was clueless for the first 10 mins, quite honestly. When my brain finally got attuned to Shakespeare however, i promptly fell in love with the grandiose language of love and loss. It was so rightfully intriguing. Reading Shakespeare would not have done him justice, since his plays are written to be expressed in the form of theatre. and theatre under the stars at that! it was beautiful. the scene of the balloons carelessly and carefully floating away to the stars had such a transient beauty to it.

Perhaps it's Fort Canning, perhaps it's the British accent, or because of the effort to infuse an Asian element to the play, I got the feeling I was watching a story unfolding in colonial Singapore. A little strange at times, but never reaches the point of being jarring. Enjoyable, i would say.

Definitely worth your money folks ;)

boring updates.

I'm starting a new phase of my life on 25 May. work life, here I come!
all i can say for this whole experience of getting a job is that God has been leading me along a straight and narrow path, with all the appropriate road signs as well-maintained and well-placed as those along Singapore roads.
[no way that I could get lost, only impatient though, since the signs tended to be farther from one another than i thought initially. ]

due to some complications, I'll be having a shorter break than i thought.
which i am glad, in some ways.
that i no longer have to agonize over "to rest or not to rest".
now it's the question of how I can maximize my one month of rest.
glad to have a play, a karoke session and a guitar gathering lined up in the pipes already :)
i'm well-pleased whenever entertainment is scheduled. heh.

with a shorter break than expected, I'm embarking on my rest and recreation now, even though it's in the midst of study break.
come on, i only have TWO papers to mug for. how awesome.
more self -maintenance, exercise and rest.
I started on the Jillian Michaels workout today.

honestly, it's pretty good, even if the pike was too incredibly hard. a very good combination of strength and cardio. I was breathing pretty hard at the end of the session.
i had to push myself a fair bit since it has been a super long time since i did strength training properly, but it wasn't impossible to go through it.

at last, i also solved my longstanding insomnia problem by pulling myself out of bed at 7am for the past couple of days.
good job girl! *pat on the back*
it was like being abandoned by the rest of the world in absolute stillness when for weeks I couldn't fall asleep even at 4am.
at last, i'll be living a positive, healthy life :D

This is what dreams are made of.

Susan Boyle Singer Britains Got Talent 2009 With Lyrics @ Yahoo! Video

I remain very moved. dreams that look like castles in the air, dreams that are made of the fluff of escapism, dreams glamorous but fragile like stained glass, are nothing like the dreams substantiated by the courage to pursue them, at the infinitely huge risk of being public humiliated and scorned at. It's only with courage, that dreams can have any real meaning or substance.

May we never lose the courage to dream.

amazing grace

"The places, the High Places of victory and union with Christ can be reached by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by laying down of our own will and accepting His."

I feel like crying whenever i re-read what S.K wrote in his card for me. Isn't it true, that dying to self daily is the way to live out the will of God and to be at that place that is much much much better than the place i'm trying to get to by my strength. I struggle so. I am persistently trying to wiggle my way out and open up new possibilities, because the feeling of walking along this one deterministic path is scary for me. I sometimes wonder if I enjoy the feeling of being in the middle of an African pasture with acres of grass between me and another living organism, of being alone in a sampan in the middle of the Indian Ocean, rather than being like Little Red Riding Hood taking that one clear path towards Granny's house. because being in the pasture and ocean means endless possibilities isn't it. the PATH leads to a place i'm not absolutely is THE PLACE.

I really should just shut up and walk this path. my wanderings and wonderings reveal such an unbridled creature inside of me. I still so stubbornly think that God's way is not the best for me.

I think it's because I have not grasped what it means 'the grace of God'. I've been reading Philip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace (it's an awesome awesome read) and I realise that I am frequently trapped into thinking that God should and will withhold the very best for me because I'm not good, pious, virtuous, sinless enough. What a huge lie. My Lord has been so gracious in dying for me that i might live, so gracious in answering my prayers, so gracious in never leaving and forsaking me, so gracious in giving me a new confidence and hope in Him.

I didn't have to prove myself worthy when I decided to follow Christ. He walked with the tax collectors, murderers, prostitutes. He didn't ask them to prove themselves worthy of the kingdom of God either. Why am i now trying to make myself worthy instead of believing that as His child, i am already worthy of His blessings? I don't deserve it and I never did, but He still extends His divine arms to me.

the man of inner and outer strength

The Sanguine has in many ways lived being allergic to shopping lists, to-do lists, check-lists, instruction manuals of any kind. She breaks out in mumps and itches all over, whilst rolling around the floor whining and whimpering. Atlas, it really all boils down to an almost childish fear that whatever is written in words are carved in stone in the heavens, open to ridicule by less well meaning people who stumble upon it, sabotaged by even lesser well meaning people, or inviting perhaps a stroke of bad luck to spoil it all. She used to believe, in her inner being, that there was this cosmic clown going around just to make sure the innocent wishes of children would not be fulfilled so he could jeer and chuckle in their faces. And believing in the lie that what she want she would never get, she resorted to not thinking about what she wanted, whilst placing her best bet in the elusive gift of all called serendipity, where she can effortlessly stumble upon her heart's desire when she's not looking.

Atlas! the journey saw her stumbling into potholes and ditches when she refuses to look in the corners of her heart. detours and merry-go-rounds set her thinking once again, that perhaps in trying to blind the imaginary cosmic clown, she was perhaps only blinding herself. but of course, bad habits take a long time to completely release their grip on her Sanguine life. and she continues to be led by a deliberate purposelessness disguised in the cloak of openness.

but then she remembered that she is after all a princess. A princess of the Most High, that is. Why choose to believe in the curse of the cosmic clown rather than all the power and authority she wields on account of her birthright? With a renewed courage of conviction, she decides to petition the Father with regards to her man of inner and outer strength.

He must exist somewhere, not just in the imaginary landscape where only unicorns live, ya?

siberia

sometimes i think i'm evil, especially when i choose to be icy cold to guys who are persistent but i'm not interested in them. it's not out of a i-don't-wanna-lead-you-on mentality, but a real irksome feeling in my heart that prompts me to really wanna shout GIVE UP! I'M MOVING TO SIBERIA TMR AND THERE'S NO RECEPTION OR INTERNET ACCESS THERE! argh. do i attract the wrong crowd or what.

retiring tyre.

i feel like a tyre that has ran good mileage, and the rough and tumble has resulted in much wear and tear. Without proper grooves, the tyre's just cruising along without any real grip and direction. For the first time in my racing career, I've no desire to be chionging anywhere, and quite ready to let it go a little. Even if I'm skidding for a bit, i can only get a few bruises here and there anyhow. the real bends in the road have been conquered.

translate back to human terms, i can't bring myself to write another term paper. Or proposal for that matter. Or read another journal article or reading. it's not exactly fatigue, coz i made sure to rectify that with much recreation, rest and exercise. it's the aftermath of wear and tear, as i said. of having done so much with my brain, it has expired. Time to move on to a sort of retirement; to take it easy, not think too much and CHILLLLLLL. there's no even urgent need for renewal of any sort. which is a strange new concept isn't it. retiring tyre is now the central theme of my life. but it has made me realise the truly important things in life. I've much desire to be spending more time with friends (who incidentally have not enough time for me now). to just chill and talk about frivolous stuff. i think it's such simple joy.

looking forward to catching Departures with S.Kiat on Friday night. it's been a long time since we hung out. It's been a long time since i hung out with most friends. if you're reading this, i'm probably missing YOU too, my friend.

bossa nova, my love.

drifting in and out of Olivia's tracks, in a state of bossa nova, as I just let myself float through life, devoid of any real emotions that might ground me back to a more substantial existence. intoxicated and sedated, as if on anesthetic. I finally understand why some friends refuse to touch alcohol, after seeing other lose all control after being drunk. I've never been drunk, and i don't ever plan to find out where my tolerant level is, after seeing someone so gone. It's more than good old embarrassment, but a hit to basic self respect, to allow oneself to be so helpless.

i'm planning to give myself a 6 week break before starting work in mid june, which pretty much means i should start making plans, and book friends before they start flying all over the world. i've no wish to laze around at home or to drift through it. saving that for now, in the wake of my thesis. I was so happy to sit down to write the acknowledgements and compiling the biblio. i think i deserve this break.

life mission statement

we did a little exercise to craft our personal life mission statement today. firstly, i chose about 6 verbs which resonated with me from a long list: believe, brighten, delight, dream, encourage, validate. then I chose 2 ministry areas/fields which again resonated with me: broadcasting and journalism. and viola, after some pondering i crafted a simple one-liner for myself:

"To dream, believe in and validate the worth of every individual through the field of broadcasting and journalism".

pleased with it, because i finally see the connection with the field my heart is passionate about, and the larger desire to touch lives and serve fellow humanity. I believe, that the worth of an individual can be validated, when we care and love enough to listen to his story, when we care and love enough to share in his joys and pains, when we care and love enough to extend help and hope when all is dark.

updates

the thesis's going on well, with very constructive comments from the prof and much passion and love for my topic still. I find it miraculous and thank God for the perseverance I never knew I was capable of.

still mulling over a very special and enjoyable night out for a belated bday celebration earlier this week, but i'm telling my heart not to move so fast and let my brain catch up a little. If perseverance had a sequel, it would be patience. yet my heart skips a bit whenever i remember the musicality of his birthday song for me as we sat in the candlelight. I was a little self-conscious that I revealed so much about myself and did think myself a blabbermouth.. guess i'm still not quite the classy woman with few graceful words still, but the young lady still prone to bubbling over with a tad too much enthusiasm, with my words coming out faster than my brain processor. grr. his maturity in contrast, makes me seem like a teenager.

I got a job offer today, not quite what I thought I would get, but i accepted, knowing that it's where I wanna be. Mixed feelings, one of relief that there's light pointing to where i'll be going, one of disappointment that I'm not gonna be at the exact position i wanna be at. I think it's a pride issue, of thinking that I should deserve only the very best. Yet who am I kidding? I am now an undergrad with no real life experience and hey, in a couple of months i'll be a grad with no real life experience still. some of my peers are going to be benchmarked higher than me for unknown reasons but the question I ask myself is whether I believe God has His reasons for sending me where I am going and at that particular entry level. It's humbling, but even as I'm determined to prove my capability, I just want to rejoice that God has already provided for me.

jiayou.

risk and freedom

To laugh is to risk appearing like a fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose your feelings is to risk rejection
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure
But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who takes risks is free.

you're perfect.

By the way, if there were only 2 guys in the world I could choose to be perfect male specimens in terms of looks, it would be Brad Pitt and Wong Lee Hom. It's not like i would go crazy over them. I have never. But everytime i see them onscreen or in photos i can't help thinking that they are indeed, perfect. There's something about them that makes me wanna pause and just observe the magnificence with which God has made them; the curves, angles, strength. Okay, i should stop before i start sounding obsessive.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I cried through Benjamin Button, and didn't feel the 3hrs were that long. It's amazing, if you know that I'm the sort who can't help being bored in the middle of a 90min film in a cinema. Indeed, a multi-layered film as i like it. but i agree with reviewers that there's something very sanitized about it; the storytellers do their best to make Benjamin an "Everyman", to the extent that he really is one.. and you really forget that he "was born under unusual circumstances" as it proceeds.the only thing that i started noticing was how Brad Pitt got more and more handsome as he starts to become younger and younger.. and there was a point where he returns to look like his "Interview with a Vampire" era.

Anyways, I have this nagging feeling that the short story would be more thought provoking and insightful than the film itself. but, i'll definitely watch the movie again. Just to think through the lessons packed in it again.

after the movie, the first thoughts were that Ser thought it was like Forrest Gump, i saw a sublime link between Benjamin Button and Big Fish.
Life, is as colourful as you want it to be.

Benjamin Button's postcard to his daughter which was one of the quoteworthies in the film.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late ... to be whoever you want to be.
There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same;
there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not,
I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Fall in Love with Olivia

Love this album. I'm picking up my guitar again.

Olivia - Sometimes When We Touch - Olivia

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

the year of practical gifts.

My sisters bought me this hawt Panasonic EH5571 Ionity Hairdryer which is uber sleek looking to maintain my silky and shiny raven hair. Gosh it was a lovely surprise, after a threatening bout of disappointment nearly spoilt the hatchday. For the past week i was so stressed trying to think of what-i-want so friends know what to get me. But even if i knew exactly what i wanted, i'd rather buy it for myself because it spoils the meaning of recieving gifts i believe. It doesn't feel like a gift, if i actually asked you to buy it for me. aren't you supposed to read my mind? Sue me, but i love receiving the right gifts without me telling you :P In the end i told hwee and ching to just buy me a meal, and therie to get M.Card's book which i really really want.

Ling got me Smokey Eyes makeup! which i didn't even realise i want. and when i got it i was like "Bingo! So this is what was missing in my makeup kit" in my mind. yay! happiness.

JY wants to buy me cuff-links since i'm working soon and I was like "No way am i going to dress so formally for work" but who am i kidding. grrr. still, i told him to get me a simple and classy wallet (leather i hope?) instead of splurging on a set of metals that go bling-bling.

Grace gave me an amazing crystal mask among other things. Interesting beauty products i have zero immunity against.

Jiali gave me 3 sets of earrings from SIX! and I also bought myself another 3 sets of dangling ones and YET ANOTHER Bling Bling ring. I nearly bought a butterfly ring from DIVA whilst shopping with Tzing but i exercised self restraint. i have only ten fingers and almost ten rings in my collection.

After a review of my gifts, I've come to realise that i'm happy receiving vain gifts because they enable me to look beautiful. i'm a girlie girl! :) so keep them coming yeah :)

I just need a pretty, sturdy, med-size brown bag to make my secret wishlist complete. *hint hint*

friends forever.

i think deep down i'm a playful girl who's not too serious with herself, not too serious with the world, not too serious with her heart. i have been able to go on dates, maintain some fuzzy non-friendships and moved on pretty fast even if they faded away and boys fail me. but friends are just so important to me that times when i fail them i really see the lousiest part of myself inflicting evil on those i love. Ling remembers the time i made her cry in secondary school. I remember the time i lied to Ser. I remember my outburst at Gracie. Jiali and I remember the times when we pulled through the dark days of JC together and lament how far we've drifted over the years. But so much more beautiful and irreplaceable memories are encapsulated in my heart. and even more amazing and miraculous memories are created with the friends i so deeply love and cherish. If i were to rank my priorities in life, it's Family and Friends first, Beauty and Art second and then Boys. or Boys must even be lower down the chain if i seriously ponder over my life. I love my friends so much that sometimes i get this aching feeling in my heart and tears just well up as i think about how precious they are to me. And boys have never been able to occupy such a position in my life. Love you all, more than you will ever know.

just when my striving heart ceased to protest before the throne of God

the things i hold close to my heart, the things i believe God is leading me to, the things i desire, God often puts a season of extended waiting before allowing them to come to pass. It's a discernible pattern, to purify my heart as I seek what is truly the good, perfect and pleasing will of God. The confirmation of the Yale trip in 2006, the final job interview date - both came weeks after the stipulated deadline, just when my striving heart ceased to protest before the throne of God. And then, He opens the floodgates of blessings and I'm just incredulous at His provision. It's too early to say what the outcome will be, but how precious and deep the period of waiting and refining. Very thankful that God knows me inside out to know how long i can bear to wait and how long it takes me to surrender my willfulness and pride in every situation and petition.

May I ever be alive and yet thirsty for His goodness.

where is the magic?

it could be the season, it could be the weather, it could be the long rides home with too little fatigue to take my mind off the strange sense of loneliness and loss. it's almost February, the magical month of the year, where dreams come true and fairies with umbrellas fly in rhapsody. But, the magic sheath is a little thin of late. I hope I won't be disappointed. There are too many wishes that need an extra sprinkling of stardust.

I wish the boy who is my friend would be less of a ladies' men and have eyes for me and me only. I've gotten to realise that I don't like competition of any sort, be it imagined or real. In my world, I have to be the princess. Yes a boy who truly listens and understands is a rare gem but when he extends the attention to every Jane, Mary and Samantha I fume. I knew I had a diva streak in me; I just didn't realise how thick it was.

I wish the boy with eyes for me and me only would become more of a gentleman. I've an allergy to men who don't watch their words yes, but a soft spot for the rough-tumble variety who really speak with their steadfast gaze and the ruffling of hair. But these are externalities no? Arghhhhhhh i never never never learn.

We never get the best of both worlds they say. Or maybe i'm not holding out long enough.

I need some magic.

the sword of damocles

CNY is slowing slipping away as I drown myself in the intricacies of framing perspectives in social movements and Thai politics. I wish I could enjoy CNY more, but i guess there's always CNY next year and thesis-writing just these couple of months more. Thesis research and writing can be a daunting process, when one is plagued by deep self-doubt and the thought of giving up all altogether hangs like the Sword of Damocles over one's head. yet the next moment, the euphoria of finding another elusive but instinctive linkage within the mesh of ideas swirling round dismisses the doubts away and gives new impetus and meaning to the entire solitary process of thinking and connecting the dots. i just wish i could be more lucid for more continuous discrete moments and stop thinking so abstractly. more logic, more power!

Happy CNY

i've decided to put off all job search and applications efforts until my thesis is done. because it's too tiring for a round peg to try to squeeze into octagonal or pentagonal holes in order to secure a job which sounds prestigious and pays well. there is this constant, nagging, slightly nauseating feeling that you are trying to sell your soul to an organization which doesn't even care about who you are as an individual, except for what you can offer to it. exactly what you tell yourself NEVER to do when you were 18. fast forward 4 years and facing impending graduation, the audacity of being 18 seems compromisable. but the disturbing feeling remains, especially when you try to fill up yet another "Why do you want to apply for XXXX" column in another dull and impersonal application form. they call it cognitive dissonance in psychology. psychologists then do a little of crystal-ball gazing and suggest that the individual will try to neutralise the effects of cognitive dissonance by assuring oneself and others by coming up with the rhetoric that it's not THAT different from what she said she wants to do, that it's a job that pays well, that it's just a stepping stone until a better one comes along etc. deep deep down, a cloud of depression weighs heavy.

and so i have decided to fight this darkness by walking away from the easier option of compromising my dreams when i was 18, however vague they remain now. When i decided to abandon the route of science or law to pursue something that fires my passion and imagination. When i decided to take the leap of faith and accept the gift of being ALIVE. When for the first time in my life, i tasted the freedom of walking on uncharted waters.

I'm not going back to the dungeon of being pre-18. I'm going to enjoy what is in front of me TODAY and NOW. to continue to rejoice in all that i have and am doing. to wait patiently for the hope that cannot be seen as yet. rejoice with me, my trusted friend :)

reflections.

it's been a long long time since i blogged, for i left my thoughts and reflections in my personal journal addressed to God. it has been a honest time of daily reflection, prayer and communion with the One who created me, the One who loves me more than I can ever love myself, or anyone else, for that matter. It's a dark and uncertain time for me, but not of fear, just of wanting to be alone, sans thoughts and sans plans for the future. When i first learnt that one of my job applications fell through, i was stunned. Until now, it haunts me a little to realise that no, I am not invincible. My interview strategy of being authentic needs a little more preparation and reflection about what i truly want in life, and where I can be a best, of at least, good fit. I feel I've been ushered underneath a spotlight, for the audience of One and as i stand before Him, He remains slient, waiting for me to discover my limbs, that i might finally dance in joy.

I know He's watching over me, I know I'm in good hands, but it's still a tad daunting to not know whether the moment of revelation and discovery is coming, or whether i should hold my breathe and wait still longer and not get my hopes too high just as yet. the process of waiting feels indeed like the process of dying. where slowly I find my assumptions and confidence ebb away as God slowly fills it up with His promises and gentle proddings. Although for now, I feel the ebbing more acutely. I can feel the death of the assurance of a stable and secure career, the death of a love prospect steeped in true friendship, the death of being the cream of the crop. Yet there is the constant reminder that it is only when a seed falls to the ground and dies, that the possibility of it bearing fruit will come.

treading the line between dying to self and giving up.

spiritual friendship

What is spiritual friendship?

It is friendship that is rooted in Christ, for the purpose of growing in Christ.

The basis of spiritual friendship is a shared relationship with Jesus Christ.

The purpose of spiritual friendship is a common commitment to help one another grow in Christlikeness.

"Every friendship is formed around shared goods that identify the friendship and help the friends understand the life and purpose of the friendship. In spiritual friendship the principal good is a mutual love for Christ and a desire to grow together in Christ. This is what distinguishes spiritual friendship from other relationships. In spiritual friendships the friends are centred in Christ, they seek Christ, and they strive to live according to Christ. Through their friendship they want to help one another live a godly and holy life. They want each other to be resplendent in goodness." (Paul J. Wadell)