Big Fish

I was explaining to KL about surrealism as an art movement and as I was thinking about my options in life and that fork in the road, I remember a movie i watched from years ago. I liked Big Fish, because it was pure surrealism - it was a movie that toed that thin line between fantasy, lies, and reality. I am not entirely sure what this movie meant to me, but it reminded me of a few things:

1) I am drawn to art in a metaphysical way that’s hard to convey to someone else in words, but it’s ok because what other people see as inconsistent and illogical in art is to me the exact beauty of it. I am entirely comfortable with - or should I say prefer - (seeming) chaos, uncertainty, unexplained nuances because it gives me the chance to navigate those ideas and images with my own compass and interpretation. i like open-endedness and endless debates so movies with indefinite endings don’t bother me. (but i do have a certain threshold for nonsensical movies that pretend to be arthouse - i usually diss those with no relent)

2) You know those movies where main characters do stupid things like follow a bunny down a rabbit hole, eat something that shrinks her and then follow the same bunny around? Or the other where the character follows an iffy looking witch down a deserted path leading to nothingness and end up having the adventure of his life? Those characters who are the main protagonists of any good fantasy/sci-fi movie but might be the outcast of society, victim of crime and deception in real life. I am somehow predisposed towards choosing adventure, taking risks and making leaps of faith as the years pass. I suspect it might have to do with my strict upbringing and structured life path thusfar that gives me the confidence to take risks, knowing that I can always bounce back and get back on the safe road to mundanity. Or it could simply be a suppressed part of me bursting out to take risks and to venture into the unknown. Or it could be a function of age where risk-taking is the norm. Whatever it is, it’s hard for me to be satisfied with the safe road to security - I need a good challenge, an awesome adventure or simply room to explore uncharted domains.

3) Random thought that came with remembering the title of the movie: At this point in life, I would like to be a small fish in the sea than a big fish in a pond - because the small fish can only have enough space to grow in the sea. the pond is a little too crammed.

4) my indication of a good decision is one where i'm listening to my heart and there's an adrenaline rush to my brain after deciding. keep me away from casinos hor.

Volatility

Perhaps my emotional volatility is the bane of my existence - it leads me towards bad relationships and engagements that are non-beneficial to my growth. Need my friends more than ever.. And yet less of them stay with me as time passes. 

The Italian Affair

It was an impromptu decision to go out for dinner and I think the white wine was the point at which it turned into a dinner date at an Italian restaurant. It's funny how easily lighting, ambience and a bottle of wine sets the stage in a certain fashion. It was a nice, warm dinner and details fuzzied by the tipsy feeling in my head. We talked, we laughed and i shed a tear or two. I am a barrel of emotions waiting to burst forth at every opportunity. There was something in his eyes that looked a little different last night, was it empathy? I've only seen that expression on one other guy whom I shared my thoughts with, the boat I waited in vain for. Yet I shook my head as a reminder to self that no, this was someone else I'm talking to. And I didn't expect myself to share about my missed boat as well. It must be the wine tat tipped the barrel.

Perhaps my threshold and love for wine has never been that consumerate. I was tipsy by the later half of dinner and requested that he had to remain sober to send me back. Not that he needed to hear that of course. I leaned on his arm on our way out to the car, all the time laughing about how scandalous it looked if we met someone we knew. He said i was going to die of embarrassment the next time we met, for he had never seen me like that - he said it was cute, whatever that meant. I just didn't want to be seen tipsy - it was to me a sign of lack of self control (ok it really was) and i hate to be seen like that. I was singing to SOMEWHERE OUT THERE in the car, one of my fav songs. We argued if it was fr Aladdin or in his words, "sung by the rat in American Tales". (and this is one evidence that i was truly tipsy - i found myself insisting on sth that is obviously wrong. I just couldn't accept, in my state of fuzziness, that a rat sang my fav song). When we reached my place, he held my hand like a gentleman would, and guided me all the way to my doorstep.

I found myself thinking about last night most of today, trying to make sense of what it meant. Probably nothing much. But it was a nice night and I don't want to spoil it by thinking of what-ifs. Something in the equation will change, and that's not what I want.

Write.Right.Rite

A twitter account to amuse myself with (but it's really trashy - whoever thought of putting a 140 char limit on words clearly doesn't love words enough), a tumblr blog to store my more philosophical musings and my trusted blogspot to pour out my deepest darkest. Only old friends who still remember will bother to visit this humble abode and I feel a sense of camaraderie whenever one of you tell me, "hey, I read your blog". It matters to me, that you want to be updated about my life and participate in my rite to write, right.

the JD

i had the most informal session today, with talks of travelling the world to seal agreements, living the "high intellectual and governmental life" of meeting people, going places, charming my way to make a difference for a greater good. i did well i think, granted that i didn't have much time to rehearse my lines or organize my thoughts. but a part of me remains lucid and cynical of the fulfillment that a younger me might have envisaged. this opportunity in the horizon was after all, still a part of the mammoth system that sustains the city-state, with strings attached and glass ceilings thick as walls. the JD always sounds awesome, challenging and sexy - but reality is closer to the pendulum oscillating between boredom and hectic activity, with the sword of Damocles hanging over one's head, ready to set some heads rolling at the whim and fancy of some big shot in the system.

I dislike the system - how it has always streamed people at some early point in their lives, divided into gold, silver and iron by some Noble Myth which has ceased to be noble for a long time. the glass ceiling for the silver caste (who made it there through a longer and more arduous route) was solid as stone. yet the guardians of the system like to polish that ceiling, thinking that it makes it more transparent and less of an eyesore. but no, we silvers feel it rather acutely as we try to become more upwardly mobile.

I have to concede though, that the city state is too small to escape its clutches. every other opportunity that I hear (with remote Prospects) was linked to the system some way or another. I have increasingly lost patience with a regimented existence, but it costs too much to be an outcast of the system. financially, socially, emotionally. until.... i find that which motivates me beyond the fat paycheck, flexible hours and a comfortable obscure existence. I seek to find it, but the city-state might be too small to house it.

Quote

Reinhold Niebuhr put it best: “Nothing that is worth doing can be achieved in our lifetime; therefore, we must be saved by hope. ... Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore, we are saved by love. No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as it is from our standpoint. Therefore, we must be saved by the final form of love, which is forgiveness."

His presence

In His presence, the pain in my heart wells up to the point of release. And yet, better is one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere.

Only He will understand, how deep my regrets in life. And only He will grant me the pardon I need.

But honestly? I very much feel like running away.

Savoring it all

An enchanting night at PS Cafe. The music was right, the ambience mesmerizing and the food satisfying. I chose a Sauvignon Blanc for the party and it turned out absolutely charming. I basked in the moment, being who I am and saying words that I truly meant. Narcissistic as it sounds, it feels good to be in good company, but good to know that I myself was good company as well. That is much in life to savor, and I promised myself to do just that, to savor and bask in all of it vicariously.