i frequently wonder at how some people are remembered as people of their word. that their word is their contract and never back out of a verbal agreement even if they lose a limb or two. appointments are adhered to, promises are kept and punctuality is as natural as the air they inhale.

and i will then quite naturally despair at my lack of commitment and trustworthiness. i could say that it's an airy-ness about my personality, or a tendency to keep my options open, but if i remove all the sugar coating that protects my ego, i just have a huge character flaw. i often say things and forget them, i change my mind more often than i change my clothes (that's very frequent, mind you), i make promises that i don't keep.

my spaced out behaviour has irritated a fair number of friends and i think it might be soon before i'm left with none.

sigh.

4 years.

4 years later, we meet at the same campus again. that distinctive handsome profile and confident stride. we're both markedly different by now, and lead markedly different lives, even if 4 years ago we were at the same crossroads. even if four years ago i thought we could be good friends if we had the chance to say hello. the hellos came and gone, the meetings and conversations over the couple of years faded into oblivion and soon we went back to leading our separate lives.

it would be more accurate to say that except for that crossroad where we both were lost, we are, by nature markedly different people. so different that i never found enough common ground to feel entirely comfortable around him. and he probably never quite understood me, since i was ever so self conscious around him.

and so, i still find it incredulous that he remains the only person that I still want so much to know, understand and befriend.

am i just a sucker for the tragic? that irrational desire. that irrational belief that he's different from all the others that i know and will ever know.

somewhere out there, beneath the pale blue sky...

my heart continues to be leaping in joy and expectation. at every turn of event, at every instance of meeting. expectations can no longer be managed, but surrendered or stalled for a fleeting moment. i'm made vulnerable by the emotions that well within, but by hanging on to hope, i am simultaneously made invincible. sometimes i think it is a precarious joy, because now and then i start thinking that it's all but a mirage. i hear a name here and there and i become a little wary. that those acts of kindness, the encouragement and support, the connections that we make, the teasing and sharing, are but non-exclusive friendly gestures. yet the most vivid image etched in my mind is us smiling carefreely at each other with a knowing look.

it's as if we could laugh and smile with the whole world, together.

work and be content - for this is the gift of God.

i enjoy work alot. alot more than i expected. it helps alot that a whole bunch of us entered the workplace together and there's always company for the tea-lunch-tea routine. i feel productive each day, excited to reach the office early so i have time to spend time with God, excited to start work, excited to be working, excited to be heading home. life is not a bed of roses, but it's alot like a garden right now. the awesome thing is that most that I've met - oldtimers- look happy to be working there too.

at the end of each day, I'm surprised at how content i am to head home, eat dinner, bathe, have my dose of red wine - and sleep. instead of feeling i wasted a day doing nothing - or work- i feel contented. starting to appreciate the verse in Ecclesiastes that says that work is a gift of God.