who am i to be

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented and
fabulous?

Actually who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel
insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own
light shine,we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,our presence automatically liberates
others.

Nelson Mandela in his 1994 inaugural speech

a buoy floating, bobbing, drifting. without a routine to channel my thoughts and energy through, my soul senses something amiss. i can't seem to figure out my purpose for being alive and without a definitive sense of destiny, i've no idea what to take interest in. Should i take a course in singing because i love it or should this endeavour be pursued only if it is profitable for my future in some tangible way, only if i'm sure? Should i even dare to dream to be travelling the world and doing sth that i absolutely love and knowing for sure in the deepest of my heart that this is it?They always say, you need to be doing something you love, as a reprise from the demands of life. but i can't make something i don't love the main anchor of my life in the first place. but what is it that i love? I don't seem to have the determination to follow through with my dreams. almost always bound by a wisp of fear, a dose of i-don't-think-i'm-good enough and maybe-i-don't-want-it-enough-anyway. i ask for a little more tenacity in my personality, a much more confident of who i can be.. i'm transiting already, i just have to find out where i want to be soon.

fresh new start.

The world collapsed in its entirety, that i might once again make a fresh start. a long awaited break from the present, a long awaited clean slate to build my existence upon. with no foreshadowing you said with such cheekiness that you have found someone and i could only match the twinkle in your playful glance. Something collapsed within, but i believe it was a start, not an end to what could be. I'm moving on to be a new me in transition, thankful for the simultaneous heartache and lightness of being. a fortified heart is useful in such times, i just wish that my eyes were as obstinate.

my reprise!

the tragically unemployed has finally found gainful employment in a fabulous events management company. stay tuned for absolutely superficial gushings and thoughts :)

http://raediant.wordpress.com/

retreat with the lover of my soul.

what we do for Navigators' retreat is all 13 odd of us sitting in the conference room, practicing listening prayer as we deliberate over what God is telling us about the past sem and the direction for the coming semester. And God never fails to meet us and He always speaks the same to all in different ways and when we share, faith arises and we are sure of God's leading. To many who haven't gone through the rigour, it may all seem a little mystical, but for me, each retreat/Nav camp is an oasis in the desert that refreshes my soul as i get connected to God to hear His prayer for His people, especially those in NUS. I'm very excited and moved at how God has revealed to us His plan for the Nav community and NUS. Especially when I shared what God has been speaking to me about prayer, it resonated with the rest and we all had agreement in the spirit. We meditated on Isaiah 41,43, 58, of which God also said Isaiah 43 is for Therie dearie as she starts her internship :) (hope first day of work went well! -waves-)

God spoke with regards to sending rivers and living waters in the desert, sun-scorched place. It was both for my personal journey, as well as for campus revival in NUS. it's all wondrous, but not crystal clear yet, just an inkling of how the journey will be like.

suffice to say that i am understanding what it means to love, and love which i thought had died has died only to be resurrected in a new form. I was perplexed, but God said to forget the former, for He is doing a new thing, do i not perceive it?

kyo

Everything's fine on the French side, found a new French band, Kyo to listen to.

Qui Je Sui ( Who am I)


C'est ma faute (It's my fault)

the stubborn old tree.

the tree shall stop telling the gardener that the pruning hurts the branches too much and stop screaming and kicking for the pain to go away because the whole point of pruning is to make the tree more fruitful. life goes on with that kinda pain even if it really really hurts alot and no one else knows how much. and life, will go on much better after the old branches finally die and new branches and hope take their place. The weight of the pain can better anchor the roots, nourish the leaves and give a newfound courage to the complacent tree. it will all be fine. No need to scream, no need to wave the remaining branches flagrantly for the gardener to watch out lest he cuts the wrong branches. seriously, he knows better. who are you, o tree, to advise the gardener?

nostalgia once again.

i was trying to reorganize summer photos from last year on FB coz i realised that i had named a folder "Yale University" instead of University of Connecticut. But who'd really know right. Still, it's a perplexing mistake. Looking at the photographs make me nostalgic. I was just thinking of all the friends in US; Heidi, Carl, Vogel and all the peeps from Evil class. Even the dudes from Investigative Journalism, though we didn't get a chance to get closer. Missing New York's dynamism, New Haven's rusticity, Boston's refreshing spirit. The stoic Harvard, the dignified Yale. And of course all the crazy people along the way.

Somehow looking back the me a year ago was so un-apt at making full use of my experience there, too timid to live it to the fullest, too hesitant to seize the moment. I was too reticent and self conscious to do alot of crazy things. Maybe that was part of self discovery too, to see all the flaws and be dissatisfied with how i have lived. I'd hope that this summer i could travel around UK or Europe, though it is not to be. Nothing else to be said except a long sigh. Maybe the key lies in not being greedy and living with an extra dose of self contentment.

Where to go from here? I must learn to stop looking back fondly too much lest i miss the road ahead once more.

fatigue.

i am dead tired from 3 hour Film Art exam in the morning and French class at night. bleah. why do i get the feeling that everyone else is enjoying their post exam celebrations already? I still have a paper tomorrow! Oh gosh.

We were doing phonics and the alphabet tonight and man was it borrrrrrrrrrring. the take home is that i can recite the alphabet in French now. yippeee. bestest achievement of the year. C'est Ca. Glenn was nice to talk to as usual on the way home but i was less chatty tonight because of overwhelming fatigue. But one thing i learnt about doctors is that they really signed their life away on the dotted line. His schedule is KRAZY for a 26year old. If i were a doctor i think i will eventually adapt to a life of only patients and rounds AND MINIMAL SLEEP but the fact that i will have to give up time with family and friends and hobbies is just... unimaginable.

the sailor.

There is the story of this sailor who experienced a terrible shipwreck at sea. He climbed upon a raft and set his course based on the stars since he has learnt to navigate from the stars.

Yet for the next 28 days, the clouds cover the sky every night and he is uncertain whether he remains on course or whether he is doomed.

The question is had the sailor set his course right? The message of the constellations - had he imagined it because of his desperate circumstances? Or he had seen the truth once, and now had to hold on to it without further reassurance?

B student.

"B-students don’t know everything about anything and are excellent at nothing. B-students, however, know something about a lot of things, and they can complete almost any task with some modicum of success. Entrepreneurs are B-students. There is no one thing they do well. But there are many thing they do well enough.

A-students, on the other hand, know a lot about one thing, whether it is technology or marketing or sales and finance. And they do this thing extremely well. If they don’t do it well, it bothers them. A-students want to do things perfectly all the time. This is a very bad trait for an entrepreneur, but a very good trait for a manager.

The most important thing to realize when you’re a B-student entrepreneur is that you need A-student managers. You must listen to them. You have no choice. The good news is that A-students must also listen to B-students, because B-students know about aspects of life and business that A-students know nothing about. While most A-students are really good at one thing, they tend to be completely out to lunch when it comes to most everything else. On the other hand, B-students are really good at being sort of good at everything.

The sooner the B-students and the A-students understand and appreciate each other, the more productive everyone will be."

I'm so B-weary this semester that i actually googled "B student" to make sense of my rather unfortunate predicament. What can i say, except that i'm so tired of studying and examinations, yet terrified at the prospect of having to find a job because securing an interesting internship is proving to be harder than imagined. I think the problem with me is that i'm neither an A or B student; i straddle between both and my butt hurts warming the fence. I'm secure in neither camps and there's an agitation within, esp so during examination season. But i think the problem runs deeper. It has to do with knowing my station in life and what I'm called to do and wanting to know WHAT'S OUT THERE. I'm tired of my books. I want to experience the real life, much as i still enjoy student status. (think of all the student rates you're paying everywhere and be thankful). But this is a poignant ouch! because my cardinal sin is pride ->

"The number one killer of start-ups is when entrepreneurs confuse ‘being lucky’ with ‘being smart.’ You must possess the humility to distinguish one from the other.

Is this a cool book or what. I want to be a poetic but shrewd entrepreneur in life.

Accidental Francophile.

I was a little jittery for my first French class at Alliance Française ; it felt alot like the first day of school (well it is) with no friends and no expectations save for a desperate prayer that it will be fun. And fun it was. Although I've gotten the impression that the French ain't very outwardly friendly people; it seems that all their passion is locked up in the oasis of their hearts and bursts forth only at measured intervals. And of course i remembered to pray that i will make ONE new friend to brave it with me and viola! I met Glenn the doctor 2 years into his training. He's really a kind doctor and stays near my place. yippee.

Here's the essence of what i've learnt today; i shall attempt to revise:

A: Bonjour!
B: Bonjour!
A: Ça va?
B: Ça va bien, merci! Et vous?
A: Ça va bien, merci! Comment vous vous appelez?
B: Je m'appelle Weiting. Et vous?
A: Moi, je m'appelle XYZ.
B: Enchante.
A: Enchante.

The beauty of learning a new language is that it is all very novel, like discovering a whole new world like a newborn baby; curious to describe everything with one's very limited vocabulary. and Thank God for my Panasonic voice recorder! I've come to realize that audio revision of classes are very helpful for audio moi. yippee. Life is fun even in the midst of exams. I've never felt so slack during exams; mainly because both Film Art and Contemporary Political Theory are open booked exams and having been consistent through the semester, I don't really need to prepare anything. C'est la vie.

The decision to take up French was quite an oscillation,even though i have seriously decided to take up a third language; as a diplomat needs to be versatile. Nothing's set in stone but i want to be equipped as long as my heart is still set on it. My loyalties were however divided because i've already started on Korean on my own (yes due to my own drama-and-DBSK complex) and a new attraction to the Japanese Kanji. But after a long deliberation, i finally decided that in terms of intellectual and cultural richness, diplomatic value and romanticism, French comes up tops. yup so i'm on my way to be an Accidental Francophile. exciting.

Au Revoir!

On being young and idealistic.

Everyone's young days are a dream, a delightful insanity, a sweet solipsism. Nothing in them has a fixed shape, nothing a fixed price; everything is a possibility, we live happily on credit. There are no obligations to observe; there are no accounts to be kept. Nothing is specified in advance; everything is what can be made of it. The world is a mirror in which we seek the reflection of our own desires. The allure of violent emotions is irresistible. When we are young we are not disposed to make concessions to the world; we never feel the balance of a thing in our hands - unless it be a cricket bat. We are not apt to distinguish between our liking and our esteem, urgency is our criterion of importance; and we do not easily understand than what is humdrum need not be despicable. We are impatient of restraint; and we readily believe, like Shelley, that to have contracted habit is to have failed.

To be young, is not to be disposed to be a conservative. He could have said it in a succinct sentence but no, Oakeshott lapses into his own nostalgic musings on being young. The first time i read his "On Being Conservative" i was bored by his longwinded illustrations of each point he was making. A second attempt at deciphering his conservative mind was much smoother as i picked out a gem of a passage which i liked. All it takes is a slice of apt writing to perk me up. Likewise for the "basic" political science-y piece by Max Weber:

Politics is a strong and slow boring of hard boards. It takes both passion and perspective. Certainly all historical experience confirms the truth - that man would not have attained the possible unless time and again he had reached out for the impossible. But to do that a man must be a leader, and not only a leader but a hero as well, in a very sober sense of the word. And even those who are neither leaders or heroes must arm themselves with that steadfastness of heart which can brave even the crumbling of all hopes. This is necessary right now, or else men will not be able to attain even what is possible today. Only he who has the calling for politics who is sure that he will not crumble when the world from his view is too stupid or too base for what he wants to offer. Only he who in the face of all this can say 'In spite of it all!' has the calling for politics.

In class, i disagreed with Prof Pellerin over Weber. I saw this is an inspirational text to budding young politicians, while he saw it as Weber writing a cautionary passage as pouring a cold bucket of water over the heads of political science students; that their flames of romantic idealism about politics must go. Much as I can see Pellerin's very poignant point, my personal response is that of being inspired, whether or not i have the calling for politics. But of course, that might be because i'm too young and too idealistic and am still walking around with my rose-tinted glasses over my rose-tinted contact lenses. The prerogative of being young.

i think i'm hitting rock bottom. All of a sudden jolted out of my comfort existence into a darkness so deep. My head tells me it'll all turn out fine my heart is bleeding dry. It's as if i had a premonition; to tell a friend to trust God and then to find myself in a position to be rejected over and over this season. I don't know what to do either. I'm going to drown in my internal flood of tears for now.

Gracious Uncertainty

April 29, 2008

ODB RADIO: | Download
READ:

. . . it has not yet been revealed what we shall be . . . —1 John 3:2

Our natural inclination is to be so precise— trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next— that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing. We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life. The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots. Our common sense says, "Well, what if I were in that circumstance?" We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life— gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life. To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation. We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God. As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task He has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. When we become simply a promoter or a defender of a particular belief, something within us dies. That is not believing God — it is only believing our belief about Him. Jesus said, ". . . unless you . . . become as little children . . ." (Matthew 18:3 ). The spiritual life is the life of a child. We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next. If our certainty is only in our beliefs, we develop a sense of self-righteousness, become overly critical, and are limited by the view that our beliefs are complete and settled. But when we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy. Jesus said, ". . . believe also in Me" (John 14:1 ), not, "Believe certain things about Me". Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in— but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him.

Indeed, a place of uncertainty. The Lord was with me during the interview but He hasn't granted me Birmingham this summer. Uncertainty. I still have no idea what I'll be doing this holidays. It's still blank on my calendar. Suddenly French and new exercise regime seem a tad lacklustre and chances for an internship with MFA uncertain as well. No ideas for a thesis topic. Uncertainty. On top of that, I'm in mild shock right now because IPE paper was hard. You know, one of those papers you spend the whole of study break preparing for and it's still hard for you. I think i need to rest from the slight trauma. I can only trust and be faithful to do what is closest to me. Day by day by faith.

New goal for the year.

Is it just me or does Avril Lavigne really have the most beautiful and versatile hair? It's going to take my hair eons and alot of enviable determination to grow till that kinda length and even so, my Asian hair will probably never look as fabulous as hers. But still, i have nothing to lose by trying; i could save a fortune on hair non-maintenance as it grows out of its current multi-layeredness. Argh. I really want thicker hair from now on.

glam curls part 1


glam curls part 2


Straight hair - that's kind of boring though.


even a casual pin up looks gorgeous on her.

Musical Lyrical

My favourite Chopin piece thusfar.I love the to-ing and fro-ing of this waltz piece alot. Exuberant and yet reticient. Like a shy dancer with all the passion burning inside her as she bursts across the room.


Absolutely beautiful and hopeful piece by Italian contemporary composer, Ludovico Enaudi :)I'm learning to appreciate music just as it is, without the translation of lyrics or words. Just as it is. Just as I am.

love and marriage.

Despite the little faith that is in me, i've come to recognize that i have a genuine fear of marriage. I cannot bring myself to say that I'm ready for marriage blah. Although there are alot of Christians who believe that dating HAS to lead to marriage, and say easily that they're ready and just waiting to meet the right person, to me, the barrier to dating is huge enough to block out the view of the larger barricade of even considering marriage down the road. That kind of internal struggle to even acknowledge my liking towards any guy is epic; let alone to say i can love. it seems that i've still quite some way to go before i can take even a dating relationship lightly and with carefree ease.

A dear Nav sister has already been chronically depressed over BGR woes for a year plus now. Her best years in university are being wasted away as she is unable to let go and let God. Swinging over to the other spectrum are friends in relationships who are so inward-looking and absorbed with one another that we're drifting apart. Dad doesn't talk at all at home now and he's starting to be like a stranger to me. Mum doesn't talk about it but i cannot even begin to imagine the kind of alienation she must be feeling. Isn't this an absolutely frightening sequence of events? To be depressed over your singlehood -> Shut out the rest of the world when you're attached -> then live out the belief that you're trapped in a loveless marriage. It's utterly disconcerting. Granted, not all relationships are this dismal or take such a progression, but the possibility of it is scary.

I'm so tired of seeing all these negative relationships. God show me Your goodness manifested in relationships. A swinging Christian single loving, fearing, serving you. A Christian dating couple loving, fearing, serving you. A Christian married couple loving, fearing, serving you. All joyously and completely devoted to You.

scream.

the sound i hate most, is the sound of screaming. of people screaming at one another, of a mother losing control of herself and screaming incessantly at her children. I was rudely distracted by a mother screaming at her child in the neighbourhood close to 11pm. i couldn't really make out what the crying and pleading child was screaming, but the mother just kept going, "I need to go to work now!" over and over, and the heartwrenching cries of the child continued. The mum was screaming so hysterically that there were instances when the screams were noise without words. Bloodcurdling. I thought there might be murder soon. One whole hour of that drama.

I found myself clenching my fist as i hear the screams continue, in part out of fear, in part out of anger. Whatever can justify this display of frustration?

I find it very hard to forgive mothers who emotionally abuse their children. Very. I have almost a hatred for that kind of irresponsibility. A child who grows up with this kind of abuse, even if it was only for a night, will bear the scars of it deep within the heart for the rest of his or her life. The trauma of it all is irreversible. If you are a parent, you have every responsibility to love your child, whether or not it was your choice, whether or not it's your biological child, whether or not you feel up to it. I'm very upset.

This is yet another reminder that when the time comes, I want to be a good mother. A mother who loves, a mother who disciplines, a mother gentle with her children but strong in the Lord.

Rediscovering You.

I feel like i'm rediscovering God in my life. He's always there but I feel that i've been busy introspecting my life that it slipped my mind that all my troubles and thoughts are only a prayer away from getting clarified and given direction. It's funny how i'm able sometimes to remember it's God carrying me through work and deadlines but forget that it is also He who will take care of relationships, my heart, my friends, my family. I was calibrated back to God's plan for my life yesterday.

One thing that i'm learning is that God wants me to seek Him. Very fundamental statement to make, but very profound implications for living daily. The quote from James in the previous post is a written promise that whatever we ask God in prayer, He will show us the way. Whether to do this or not. Whether He will lead this way or another. Sometimes, it's not an immediate answer, but as long as we continue our path, consciously open to His leading, it will be crystal clear that His hand is at work.

I sense God's leading me to University of Birmingham this summer. There were alot of human factors why i would not go, but God is divine and much more resourceful than I am. Would you pray with me for His provision, and most important, that my faith in Him will continue to grow. With Him in my life, i have nothing to hide, nothing to prove, nothing to lose.

.

James 1:5-7

If you need wisdom—if you want to know what God wants you to do—ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.