Starry Starry Night

a lovely song. Went to search for it when i did a search on Van Gogh.
what do u think of when you read of Van Gogh's life story?
it seems to be such a heavy existence, to die without fulfilling all that he wants to do, to have his life ending in insanity. but i believe his existence is aptly represented by a country music piece such as Starry Starry Night. There is a solitary beauty in his works. a silent beauty that invites you to step in.

Here's an analysis from www.vangoghgallery.com.

Expressing Van Gogh's inspiration for the painting. However, one line says : "Look out on a summer's day." which is a false statement as Van Gogh was in an asylum at Saint-Remy, and was not able to paint picture from an actual view point, it is strictly from his mind.	Starry, starry night. Paint your palette blue and grey, Look out on a summer's day, With eyes that know the darkness in my soul. Shadows on the hills, Sketch the trees and the daffodils, Catch the breeze and the winter chills, In colors on the snowy linen land.
These are references to other Van Gogh paintings. Flaming Flowers: The Sunflower Series Swirling Clouds: Starry Night Field of Amber Grain: Wheat Field with Crows Weathered Faces: The Potato Eaters.	Starry, starry night. Flaming flowers that brightly blaze, Swirling clouds in violet haze, Reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue. Colors changing hue, morning field of amber grain, Weathered faces lined in pain, Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand.
This is Van Gogh's tragic Death. Even though he loved painting, his paintings could never love him back. Van Gogh attempted suicide by shooting himself in the chest, which ultimately led to his death two days later.	For they could not love you, But still your love was true. And when no hope was left in sight On that starry, starry night, You took your life, as lovers often do. But I could have told you, Vincent, This world was never meant for one As beautiful as you.
Van Gogh's artistic legacy is contained within his paintings, drawings and writings. They are everlasting and will never "forget" the style that created them. They are Van Gogh's eyes that watch the world. This is all metaphorically speaking though.	Starry, starry night. Portraits hung in empty halls, Frameless head on nameless walls, With eyes that watch the world and can't forget. Like the strangers that you've met, The ragged men in the ragged clothes, The silver thorn of bloody rose, Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow.
Finally we come to the conclusion of realizing Van Gogh's eternal struggle with insanity.	Now I think I know what you tried to say to me, How you suffered for your sanity, How you tried to set them free. They would not listen, they're not listening still. Perhaps they never will...

Boston

Boston - Augustana

In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...

You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
You said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,

Boston... where no one knows my name... yeah
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.

nice track, amazing video huh.

planning to stay in Boston after summer school. not sure how long i'll be there, perhaps long enough for me to feel sick of that place. or long enough for me to feel homesick. or long enough for money to run out. i need to plan an itinerary i guess. can't just go with my luggage and Lonely Planet in hand. Cool idea, bad plan. besides knowing that place, i just want to immerse myself in the suburbans. somewhere close to nature, not too far from city life as i know it. and imagine how my cottage might look like (so they even have cottages there?)

Sunscreen

Sunscreen
by Baz Luhrman


Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice....now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them). Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.

i have a dream

today was one of those suicidal days. but thank God for Ed who smsed from the Down Under. it made me feel better :) although i still don't quite get what you mean by your life being like a bubble about to burst :( sorry, it's poetic alright but i guess will have to wait for you to substantiate more when you blog.

Freedom Writers!

warning: mild spoiler ahead


and Thank God for speaking to me through Freedom Writers.
it totally refreshed me and gave me hope.
like it loads, but love God's raema word most of all because He's a wise king :)

after i sat through the movie, the Word that was impressed upon my mind, is this: This is what i mean by the gift of singleness. i was pleasantly surprised. i hadn't expected it.

i guess it's common to feel the anxiety in university. it seems like the biological clock is ticking so loud everyone in the Central Library lift can hear it go Tick Tock Tick Tock? Single guys fret about being able to pursue whichever girl who's latest on their radar. Single girls wondering if they'll ever get on someone's radar. the rhetoric and grammar might be different but the story more or less the same.

i don't know if the real Erin Gruwell gave up her marriage for the bunch of students but it spoke to me in a profound way. i can't remember the exact line but she said something along the lines of "when i bring about hope and meaning into their lives, i find hope and meaning in mine"? and in response her husband went ahead with the decision to opt for the divorce because he felt he was "asked to lead a life he didn't ask to". it was sad, but my take is that it happened because her husband didn't see the world the way she did; they were at different levels of growth, being preoccupied with different things.

to expand on it, she found her life mission after she got married and her husband wasn't part of that mission. and the gift of singleness is this: that you pursue your dreams with all your heart and mind, with no one else to share that perhaps, but it's that period of solo and privately intimate time when you're young and idealistic enough to grab hold of those castles in the air as blueprint for the concrete construction of your life. it's nice if you've a companion who's chasing it with you, but more blessed with the freedom and space to grow when you're solo.

so that, when two come together, they indeed become better than one :)

so don't worry if you're single. and don't be overly concerned if you've a friend who has remained single for a long time. read: ed, i'm talking about you. this might be the best period of their life yet ;)

being a princess

A good princess may occasionally let her guard down but only to emphasize how impeccable she generally holds herself. Even the noblest princess may occasionally let us see the chink in her purposeful armour, as a reminder that she is, finally human, all too human. In famine, flood or war she will speedily hitch up her skirts, muckin with the best of them, for the common good. At such times it may become clear that the most glamourous character traits which the princess personifies are courage, purpose and intelligence.

A Princess Tale.

birthday loot from soulmate. i know in my heart that it's true.
that being a princess has everything to do with the interior.
that we were created to be princesses.
thank you for that truth that has been forgotten, and then regained.

i'm still in the midst of celebrating my 21st. very grateful of course, that the gifts and well wishes are still pouring in. some have done so much and others have pretended to forget, but in my heart i found myself saying a silent "thank you" to them anyway, for having been part of my 21 years. some a greater part, others an earlier part, still others, little episodes that happened and then nearly forgotten. but i remember them all.

some memories have stood the test of time and denial and retained much authenticity. the feelings revisited and i have to unwillingly admit that things i had done or said, they are all true. that i had been honest with myself, more honest than the present me will admit.

because, the present me has the hindsight to hypocritically deny my past, to say that the past was nothing but a montage of foolishness and misguided decisions.

but no, the Lord has been very honest in dealing with me, and when i look back at my past squarely in the face, i know that all of me was true. i embrace and accept all of that and hope that as each of you is reading this, forgive me if i had hurt you and believe me that i've tried to be as authentic as i could have been.

thank you for the memories.

and sometimes, living in the consciousness that i'm creating new memories is exciting. i know what i'll remember. jeelee giving me mini lectures during PT, therie with her whole repertoire of endearing idiosyncrasies, jian and his cheem theories, me wincing at kc's comments, amanda and her kewl new look, qinghan forever saying that we should meet up someday, me in the solace of my favourite Central Library, me rushing around school, meeting people along corridors who brighten my day/make me wince/make me detour/make my heart race/make me shout a big hello...

of tiramisu and daisies

my favourite! had an iced tiramisu latte at Holland Village last night. it was heavy stuff. bitter, sober yet intoxicating. quite unlike the tiramisu that i tasted thus far.





then went to vivo today for lunch and of course i had to try out the tiramisu there. i was on a major tiramisu crusade.

the said tiramisu didn't disappoint at all. soft, fluffy with a hint of espresso and wine. i can't get enough of it.
the mushroom pizza's the best thing out of everything we tried.

my birthday loot for the day, a good book on portrait drawing :) i don't care if i have less than a week to finish my forensic paper. i really don't!:


my towering birthday cake, which we ate under a shelter, in the rain around us, at the corner of Labrador park:



i got a lovely red daisy today too. my favourite flower of all. i love daisies. little sunflowers which don't grow up to be sunflowers.

i cried you a river

i would like to think i was camouflaged in the dark night. Or perhaps it has become difficult for you to recognise me. after all, i'm different now. not that much different, but different nevertheless. the fact remains that your eyes looked straight ahead and you continued your stride past me, in oblivion. i wanted to call out to you, but the person on the phone wouldn't let me go. my eyes trailed after you, with heldback greetings and choked emotions inside of me. wrong place, wrong time. as is today, as was the past.

it shouldn't have to matter. the ghosts of the past are but a mist that obscures sight, nothing more substantial. as i roamed the streets, broken and directionless. i wanted to fill up the vacuum in my stomach, but my heart cried out for answers. why this vacuum in my heart, till now?

and prophetically, i cried you a river. i broke down on the bus, on the way home, at a run-down basketball court, where no one could see my trembling shoulders. first tears of 2007.

i cried you a river, but you would never know.

if i should one day die without knowing the answers, let me do so without being aware, that i would never know.

不说出的温柔

喜欢抒情摇滚，因为它的爆发力最能带出情感等待决堤的力量。一种努力压抑，却最后还是释放。当中有一段不长不短的等待，接着是无奈，然后释怀。有时候爆发出的，是绝望，是放弃，是勇敢，是希望，是决心。但始终 如一的，是一种不顾一切的潇洒。喜欢这样的勇气。

a happy dance

ching tells me her heart does a happy dance whenever she sees josh. i imagine that it's a sort of excitement? my heart doesn't do the happy dance for anyone anymore. or did i ever? i dunno. it's just hard for me to imagine how it might feel like anymore. i feel like those robots with Artifical Intelligence trying to comprehend human love in futility. haha. i never thought i would be here in this position. i thought i had to be a master of emotions, knowing and understanding every human emotion. but empathy is not the same of being capable of feeling those emotions myself, i realise. but it's not a missing part that i have to fill up. not yet.

i'm glad to be here, an unspoiled haven,
fertile soil for my musings without having to answer to anyone,
or scream against the howling wind for it to stop
and hear what i have to say.
for this is my ground, my words and my solace.
i hope no one else trespasses, i hope i don't let anyone in.
the call last night drew the life out of me
as i felt the worldliness in her slowly consuming her voice,
and me heart trembled in fear
and finally sank in oblivion.
it was a bad experience; i've been there before.
and i let myself dwell in that again.
it's not good, not good for her, not good for me.
i need to be more spiritual i know.
to save her from this crazy world.
and to keep myself safe, too.

eulogy

was it a few days ago?
that the rain receded as fast as it came, all in a matter of 2 minutes.
it came, just to induce tears,
down the face by the window.
that window, streaked with rain, silent.
and i couldn't speak nor turn my face away.

i remember, so long ago.
everytime you toss my sister up into the air,
chuckling with laughter and with smile in your eyes,
my heart raced and i was afraid you'll drop her.
but you were unafraid, tossing her higher, higher, higher.
i thought you might even hit her against the ceiling or something.
silly me.
you'd ruffle my hair, bend down to my height and ask me to visit you someday when we bid farewell.

i thought of your broad shoulders, your strong back and your big hands.
how you used to walk so swiftly with big strides,
as if the decades of age added onto you were just numbers and nothing more.
and you never merely spoke, but bellowed with your low voice.
so loud, i thought you had a mic hidden somewhere.

i remember thinking what a handsome man you must have been, in your youth.
strong, confident and brave.
year by year, i wondered if you were really as old as they say.
i watched your graying hair turn white,
but i see the zest in you.
i heard my parents talk about how you're really getting old,
but you continue to seem so strong and healthy to me.
you still bellowed and laughed so heartily.
i saw how you needed your walking stick one year,
and i finally understood the inevitability of time.

a man, who pulled through the death of a son, who looked after a wife who went blind grieving, who was a dear friend.
a man, who left at the age of 80, peacefully in his sleep.
a man, whom i only knew as Uncle.

i believe, that for any amount of evil and pain
there is an equal amount of good and joy
whether the evil take the form of natural disasters or Man
the harmony of the world will always be in balance,
although it doesn't make the suffering easier to bear.
the world doesn't get worse
evil doesn't get stronger..
it is US who are getting weaker.
even though we always tell others and ourselves that we are stronger than yesterday
the truth is we are only more apt to put on a braver front than yesterday.
it's OK to fear, but we choose to pretend we are unfazed.
then we crumble ni the face of evil.
i watched the news yesterday
and there was this Singaporean at the airport cancelling his flight to Phuket.
He said sth like,
"if i were still young and strong, without family i will take the plane down to Phuket and experience it u know. experience crisis. be there in the face of crisis."
Mister,
people are dying there and u are seeing it as an INVALUABLE FIELD TRIP?
incredible.

Look What You've Done
"Take my photo of the world if it just wouldn't sing for you
all that's left has gone away
nothing left for you to do

Look what you've done
you've made a fool of everyone
oh well
it seem like such fun
until you lose what you had won"

My dear "mentally weak" friend:
There was once I felt so despondent and emotionally stressed out, I msged a friend:

Sometimes the world pulls you from all directions
Stretching you thin
Yet expect you to be ok

He replied
You should learn to relax, think of someone you like
Listen to some songs…
It helps…

Feeling better, I said:
I guess every storm comes and passes.
I'll try to keep myself dry while it’s pouring
He then replied:
Well I guess you have to find a shelter then.
Home is the best shelter to keep you dry.

I think home is a 2 way concept.
It's your refuge,
But in turn,
You are your home's refuge too.
Stay strong
because you are much more than that.

i've been left behind by the world
is it my fault
have i been superficial
have i been hypocritical
have i hurt anyone unwittingly

have i fallen into the lower realm
or have i always belonged here

the scars really hurt and i still feel lost
the time doesn't pass and i can't move on

have i opened up too much
bit by bit i built reliance
bit my bit i let lose the rein
bit by bit i allow the lash of the whip
bit by bit i lose myself

realm by realm i allow myself to fall

every ship needs an anchor
sometimes it's so hard to sail on alone
it's so hard to collide with other ships or icebergs for that matter,
on stormy nights
and forgive yourself for it

no ship would want to be an emotional wreck
but it's so hard to remain civil, cordial
when the sailors themselves are drunk
who did not even want to be on the voyage
who are escaping to nowhere

who came up with the maritime rules?

When we get hurt, part of our soul dies away
It transforms into tears
And escape from us
Because we can only take so much hurt

I think I lost my friend
She said friends are functional, what's the point of keeping old friends when they cannot be there anymore
I said if there was anything she could call or we could meet for lunch someday
She said she din like to talk non stop during our conversations
I said someone has to listen in a conversation and I would take over if she felt tired
She said she din like talking to me because I reminded her of the past
I said she had changed
She said she knew and she hoped her friends would not be too bitter about it
I said one day I'll move on and understand her current state of mind
She said maybe

She came along
She told me friendships last
She taught me friends are people to brave through storms with you
She felt that the most touching thing about friendship was that friends made a difference in your life and you'll never be the same ever again
She gave new meaning to HAHA
She said one thing you could believe in was miracles
She taught me everyone has their own magic including me
She said friendship was about giving and giving

I think
You give a part of yourself, a part of your memory, a place in your heart
Away to every close friend you make
That is why they are the ones who can really hurt you so deep

there are alot of things that we thought we knew
we could be so certain that we have found the answer
we could be so adamant as to what we have to or should do
yet once we procrastinate
rationality sets in and we realise
we were too idealistic
too optimistic
too confident that we could change the world we live in

i thought i had made up my mind to take another path at the crossroads yesterday
i thought i finally knew what i wanted
and found who i wanted to meet for a long long time
but after thinking about it
it is not the case.
maybe i painted too rosy a picture
maybe i read too much into things
maybe i was being too sensitive

for the first time i really dunno what to think feel or do