hills and valleys

Unexpectedly, I fell into a valley. The double-blow from the past week that came wrecked my world, even as I thought I might have enough heartbreak experience to brace for impact. But I will never be ready for the hurt that the world is all too willing to inflict upon us, no matter how familiar it all seemed. Unable to process the feelings or understand the conclusion of what had happened in the span of a week, I retreated to a world of music, of silence before God, of C.S. Lewis. I know that the same black hole of suffering and pain that would threaten to suck the joy of me, could be turned into a vacuum of suspended emotions - if I make a deliberate attempt to pause before emotions overwhelmed me.

I still can't cry or hurt. I played the song over and over again, and let the words speak to me.

Perhaps it is because of how little I truly loved anyone in my life; that I have not learnt to love truly, that all attempts at natural affections were borne out of my own craving to be loved. It rings true, but on my own, I am utterly unable to undo the cycle of bad choices, hopes and disappointments that keeps repeating in my life. And perhaps, in this silence and loneliness, the love of God might truly reach me.




"A sum can be put right: but only by going back till you find the error and working it afresh from that point, never by simply going on.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce