March 27, 2008
U.S. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES
A choice of past, present or future
By Kishore Mahbubani

DEMOCRACY can be magical. When it works well, the wishes of the electorate can express the soul of the nation. America has done this by whittling the presidential campaign down to three candidates, each of whom expresses different mainstream aspects of the American soul.

Much of the world is relieved that extremists like Rudolph Giuliani and populists like John Edwards have been eliminated. Senators John McCain, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are choices other nations around the globe can live with. Each represents an aspect of the American soul that has worked well in realms of foreign policy.

Mr McCain represents the past. But what a glorious past it has been.

America has done more good in the past five decades than any other nation. At the end of World War II, when America was at the peak of its power, it rejected the European impulse to colonise and dominate. Instead it chose to work towards liberating much of the world, delivering political freedom to billions. It launched a rules-based world order that enabled nations to emerge and prosper - from Japan and Germany in earlier decades to China and India more recently.

Without the open trading system America engineered with the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade, the precursor to the World Trade Organisation, East Asia could not have succeeded. This American-designed world order has delivered more peace and prosperity than the European period of global domination of previous centuries.

Mr McCain, rather than President George W. Bush, symbolises this glorious past. His commitment to honour and decency and his belief that America must remain a moral beacon remind the world how good America once was.

His steadfast opposition to the use of torture shows his awareness of how much the Bush administration's cavalier treatment of human rights issues has damaged America's standing in the world. Despite its free media, few Americans are aware that Amnesty International has described Guantanamo as 'the gulag of our time'. The moral authority America lost through its use of torture in Guantanamo and in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal was far more precious than the scarce intelligence that torture has provided. Virtually all intelligence experts know that torture does not work. Mr McCain knows this personally. He was tortured as a prisoner of the North Vietnamese.

He also understands what 'responsibility' means. To argue against 'ditch and run in Iraq' may win him few votes in America but much support outside the US. If he is elected, the world will hope for an era where America regains the respect it once enjoyed. \

Mrs Clinton represents the present. Many Americans still remember Mr Bill Clinton's administration as one of the happier chapters of recent US history. The end of the Cold War produced a huge sigh of relief that nuclear terror had finally ended, explaining why, in American memories, the 1990s appear to be a sweet patch of history.

Mr Clinton made some foreign policy mistakes, from Rwanda to Bosnia. But he introduced fiscal discipline, kept the global economy growing and oversaw a stable world order. The American nostalgia for this era is understandable. Similar nostalgia is also found in the rest of the world. Hence, Mrs Clinton's message of 'experience' resonates with many outside America. The competence of the Clinton administration contrasts sharply with the incompetence of the Bush 43 administration.

It is fair to compare the happy Clinton era with the nightmarish Bush era. Both 9/11 and the folly of the Iraq War have made Americans feel more insecure. Mr Bush deserves a large part of the blame for this. But Osama bin Laden began planning the attacks long before Mr Bush was elected. In his own way, Mr Clinton was also asleep while new forces were brewing. He had a golden opportunity to fashion a new world order when the Cold War ended. He failed to seize it. Hence, despite Mrs Clinton's experience, few outside America believe that she can recreate the happy 1990s unless she understands how much the world has changed.

The powerful economic resurgence of Asia and the new peaks of anti-Americanism in the Islamic world are new forces the US has to deal with. The world has changed dramatically since Mr Clinton left office. Sadly, Mrs Clinton's rhetoric seldom mentions these new realities.

This is why many outside America are cheering for Mr Obama. He represents the future.

More than any other presidential candidate in recent history, he has a unique capacity to listen to other voices around the world, perhaps in part because he lived outside America as a child (and may well become the first American president with some knowledge of Bahasa Indonesia, which he learned in his childhood in Indonesia).

His Foreign Affairs essay reveals this capacity to listen:

'In the case of Europe, we dismissed European reservations about the wisdom and necessity of the Iraq War. In Asia, we belittled South Korean efforts to improve relations with the North. In Latin America...we failed to adequately address concerns about immigration and equity and economic growth. In Africa, we have allowed genocide to persist for over four years in Darfur and have not done nearly enough to answer the African Union's call for more support to stop the killing.'

As we move from a mono-civilisational world of Western domination to a multi-civilisational world, the world needs an American president who understands intuitively and intellectually that we are dealing with a new phase of human history. America must learn to listen to new voices. Mr Obama can teach it how to do that.

His election would also destroy immediately half of the massive anti-Americanism in the world. Having travelled to all corners of the globe, I have first-hand experience of how different regions think.

Africans will celebrate. The sight of a son of an African father occupying the most powerful office in the world will boost their self-esteem and give them hope that Africans too can succeed. The 1.2 billion Muslims will also marvel that American society elected a Christian with 'Hussein' as a middle name despite right-wing efforts to suggest that he might be Muslim.

The support for Mr Obama comes not just from the poor and the dispossessed. An Indian billionaire also asked me to root for Mr Obama. He said: 'With Obama, what you see is what you get. With Hillary, you get a new mask every day.'

Mr Obama's authenticity has clearly struck a positive chord outside America. He has convinced many Americans that the time for 'change' has come; and 3.5 billion Asians know that change has already come for them. The Asian century has begun. At no time in recent centuries have young Asians been more optimistic about their future. They are looking for an optimistic young American to connect with. Mr Obama could not have come at a better time.

American leaders will have to surf new waves of history. Only Mr Obama seems to have this surfing agility. If the world could vote, most would vote for him. Former United Nations secretary-general Kofi Annan spoke for many recently when he said: 'I think an Obama presidency would be inspirational, an incredible development in the world.'

The writer is Dean of the Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy, NUS. His latest book, The New Asian Hemisphere: The Irresistible Shift Of Global Power To The East, appeared last month.

Copyright: New York Times Syndicate

The Road Home - 我的父亲母亲

The movie moved me to tears unexpectedly; I didn't think that a simple story set in rural China was going to touch my heart. Undoubtedly, it's going to remain one of my favourite films. It was a story of love set in the 1950s in rural China, between Zhuo Di (Zhang Ziyi) and the village teacher. The story starts off in black and white, with a business man on his way back to the rural village of his birth to take care of his father's funeral. He comes back to find a grief stricken mother who insists that her deceased husband be carried by men on foot from the morgue in the city back to the village by a long winding road. Through preparation for his father's funeral, he narrates the story of his parents' love, which bursts forth in rich colours onscreen, emblemed in the enigmatic child-like wonder of Zhang Ziyi's delicate features. Her role as Di is captivating; an illiterate 18yr old girl who falls in love at first sight with the village teacher.

Finally, a picture of a couple who love each other simply because they fall in love; not because they were 2 individuals seeking love in an alienating city, nor because of lust or emptiness of loneliness or idealized notions of love. A love story that lasts 40 years and refuses to end even with death. A love that can withstand the test of time and unmet expectations, because of the faith that they loved each other.

To think that the modern single talks about managing expectations and moving on to the next possibility of love. As if love was instant food that had to gratify or else; as if breaking up and divorce and "we fell out of love" was the norm. I think the modern man has lost something true, something pure, something that lasts. Perhaps it was the fact that we think our possibilities are endless, that we can afford to play the field a little longer, that we have the faculty of choice, that we deserve only the best, that we will only know if we love one another if we "try it out". The irony is that all these chasing after what we think is the formula for true love only pushes it further and further into the realm of imagination and ultimate frustration.

I just ask for that simplicity. I hope it's possible.

monday blues.

i get hopelessly depressed on Mondays. I always thought the idea of Monday blues was some sort of a pop culture joke but it's very real to me. I feel like shutting down and hibernate with a loud defiant "beep beep" to let the world know how reticent and constipated i feel right now. crabbiness to the zenith. i feel a need to feel that each day i live is one of purpose and meaning. And so i did the inevitable. I went to borrow Walden by Henry Thoreau from the library.

It made me feel a little better. It just dawned upon me that it's not a coincidence that Monday Blues jolted me to get my hands on a book written by a hermit-wannabe, whose most quoted (and my fav) line is,

"Most men live lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them".

jolt me out of this quiet desperation today.

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very mad world ... world
Enlarging your world
Mad world

In the Mood For Love

It's hard to describe it if you haven't watched enough of Wong's films, but it suffice for now to say that his movies are like sophisticated dreams that invoke a sense of deja vu. Dreams that have a touch of demure glamour to it, thanks to Christopher Doyle's unmatchable cinematography. There are also the stylistics; slow motion, whirling, tendril-like smoke dancing against the light, tracking camera, lush and voluptuous colours, haunting music, motiffs that appear in cycles to entice and capture you. But more importantly, Wong's distinctive themes of memories, regret, chance remain consistent throughout his films and evoke in one deep nostalgia of a time past, be it the one in the story world or in one's own memory. It's almost he is able to reach inside of your mind and represent those emotions that are most delicate and inexpressible. That is why his films are true art.

"At once delicately mannered and visually stunning, Wong Kar-Wai's "In the Mood for Love" is a masterful evocation of romantic longing and fleeting moments in time."

The stunning cheongsams wore by Lizhen are achingly beautiful. Unknowing, the array of cheongsams are the only marker of time in the story, given that almost the whole film revolves around the 2 characters and the narrow spaces around them. What is not said speaks louder than the actual words exchanged. The repressed behaviour and emotions of Lizhen and Chow are as much a result as social decorum and respectability as Lizhen's unwillingness to be like their spouses, who have gotten into an extramarital affair. The irony is that Lizhen and Chow were slowly falling in love too, but Wong refuses for them to consummate their love and therein the beauty of it all.

It is a restless moment.
She has kept her head lowered,
to give him a chance to come closer.
But he could not, for lack of courage.
She turns and walks away.

That era has passed.
Nothing that belonged to it exists any more.

He remembers those vanished years.
As though looking through a dusty window pane,
the past is something he could see, but not touch.
And everything he sees is blurred and indistinct.

The thing about Wong's movies is that you can easily be infatuated with the first film that you see, because of the novelty of it. It's a beautiful piece of literature that you can ruminate upon even as the credits roll. Almost like eye candy, what you see and feel can entrap you unknowingly. Slowly, you fall in love with Wong's dream, a mesh of unspoken emotions, memories, raw longings and misty sight. The heuristics are not always logical, but in any case, a beautiful raphsody that's haunting. The story carries over themes and characters and motivations from other stories that he has made and the more you know about the other characters (by watching more of his films) the more revelations hit you, deeper and deeper. The parallels between the characters and films will not hit you the first time; only if you give yourself space and time to connect the dots.

warning: spoilers ahead for 2046

Its "sequel" 2046 will carry over the central character Chow to his life after parting with Su Lizhen. 2046 is however less focused, almost a compilation of Wong's films to date; one cannot fully appreciate it unless having watched Wong's earlier works. But even if one eventually learns to appreciate the parallels and metaphors, In the Mood For Love is a film hard to trump, even by Wong himself, armed with a formidable cast. One gets the feeling that all that is to be said seem to have been said in In the Mood for Love anyways.

Personally, I found it hard to get through 2046 without watching In the Mood for Love. It was only in lieu of the latter that i found the motivation for Chow's promiscuity and ironically, saw past that promiscuity to see the real point of the movie. As if exacting revenge on a passive and prim-and-proper him in the past with Lizhen, Chow turns 180degrees to become a womanizer and heartbreaker but he is unable to love, unable to commit, unable to lend his heart to Bai Ling for even a while. More women enter his life, but everyone of them is a reference to a different figment of Lizhen (Maggie). He has flings with each of them, as if to undo the moral restraint that has held them back in 1963, but one discovers that despite the breakdown in his moral restraint, his emotions remain habitually constrained. He was stuck in his memory, that regret of lost love and nostalgia for a time past. Chow's inner motivations never change; he was perpetually stuck in the inertia of 1963 even as the world and the women around him changed.

Faye, who plays his landlord's daugher cum android in 2046 approximated closest to being Lizhen's substitute, being Chow's partner in writing of swordfighting stories, just as Lizhen had. But she was the only one who had a purely platonic relationship with Chow, because she was already in love with a Japanese (Takuya Kimura). Her delayed response to Takuya's "Do you love me?" was an emblem of the too-early-too-late motiff in Wong's films. A single tear drops, silence drags on, and Takuya says "Sayonara". Why did she hesitate? Did she really love him? He has no answer and hence travels to year 2046 to find the answer, because it is the place where nothing ever changes. Halfway through the 2046 story, Chow takes over the persona of the time traveller, as he seeks the answer to why Lizhen did not leave with him in 1963. Did she love him? Or was it because they met too late and she was already in love with her husband, who's always at "Japan" for business trips? In the end, Faye leaves for Japan to marry Takuya, just as how Lizhen chooses her husband over him. Faye and her Japanese lover was an eerie parallel to Lizhen and her unfaithful spouse.

The furistic part of 2046 with Faye and Liu Jia Ling as androids and Takuya Kimura as a time traveller is likely to drive you crazy if you don't understand their metaphoric existence and motivations. It was again, about regret, memory, restraint, repressed love that was never expressed in time. of being simultaneously too early, too late. I wonder however, if Wong had stretched 2046 too far. There is potential in expanding 2046 into an epic if more thought can be put into the furistic part of 2046 instead of the 60s affair with Bai Ling. Or, cut out the 60s part together and expand the time travel concept. One suspects it's because the camera and Wong loves Zhang Ziyi a little too much and wouldn't let her go.

In all, watch In the Mood for Love, and only 2046 if you're a Takuya Kimura fan. (But you will surely be disappointed with the 20 minute screen time that he has.)


Trivia: apparently, 2046 saw the falling out of Wong Kar Wei with his long time cinematographer Christopher Doyle (pity! he's a genius) and with Takuya Kimura. Due to the 5 year shooting and Wong's quirky working style of never having a script and developing the characters onsite drove some members of his crew crazy, enough is enough. Which reminds me how crew members of Greed quit their jobs too because they were convinced that the director was going to kill everybody by shooting unrelentlessly in the middle of Sahara desert.

Fiddler on the Roof

A musical about a Jewish family in 1905 Russia under Tsarist rule.
It's enchanting! I'm looking forward to watching it on dvd.

i always knew i was Bill Clinton material

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

curious encounter

i made a friend today called Shawn but we both know that it's only going to be this one night and we might never cross paths again, because he has a bird brain kind of memory that forgets names and faces the second we exchanged goodbyes. he actually confessed he remembers people by matric numbers and colour of their clothes better. he asked to examine my face minutes before we parted so that he might remember my face, but i believe it didn't register. whatever it is, we enjoyed each other's company and the incredible intellectual acrobatics. or rather, just talking about life in general on a more philosophical level. Think Before Sunset.

Then again, I've come to realize that films like Before Sunset romanticize such transient encounters of meaningful conversation too much. who says the male and female protagonists have to find in each other a soulmate just because they connect. I believe there are a million people out there who can connect with you if you'd the chance and place to devote your time to it. it's all a game of chance for those who don't believe in God and all an instance of God's subtle lesson to mold us for those who believe. call me a romantic waltzing through life, but i think it's the people who whizz through your life that leaves indelible marks on your outlook on life. Friends who stay longer grow with you so it's harder to say who's rubbing off who. maybe that's why i really love the Wong Kar Wai film, Chungking Express. More on that another time.

Back to my encounter. Details on how Shawn and i ended up talking in school till i had to catch the last bus back tonight don't matter; what's important is that i've come to realize that guys are human too and they are all complex and different from one another (yes, i confess i used to think they are alot more generic, either they must be decent or wild or gay. I've been too judgmental and too presumptuous in thinking that i know how they think and i ought to repent. ) There are many variants of intellectual or conversational guys. And i'm really starting to appreciate their company alot more, just as they are; through listening and sparring with them intellectually i've learnt much and they are alot more 3D to me now. RL Boy, SK, Shawn.

I'm just glad for the fact that i am free to just sit and chat with a stranger tonight without feeling that biological need to present myself as single, available female. I'm being brutally honest here.

i am considering to commit myself to not get into a relationship till graduation. If only to learn to live in the moment instead of being of a state of waiting-to-get-into-a-relationship. Like tonight. It's hard to explain but that one year i made the commitment to God to remain single, i still struggled but i felt i was slowly setting myself free from the compulsive need to find the right person to love. It was very much a detox of my emotions as i filtered out the needy and selfish reasons to get into a relationship and just enjoy the state of singlehood and all that freedom entails. I'd been more able to see guys as who they really are. And i think this season of my life when i'm still learning to be more aware of myself in relation to the world, it's good.

enigma

i think i'm crazy. or capricious, or a little of both. i never quite know what to expect from myself. Feelings are like pendulums that swing to and fro and when i'm not looking, they swing straight off the rack to join some other strange pendulums on a strange rack altogether. i'm an enigma. How can i possibly think i like someone for a long time only to start noticing how his little idiosyncrasies are absolutely unattractive to me. how much he dominates the conversation. how we don't connect. bah. Only when i think i'm crazily in love with someone else who comes along, who's totally unlike him but clicks with me?

i think i will stop talking about boys for a while. i'm starting to feel like the girl who cries WOLF.

but i plead with you to continue believe in the authenticity of my feelings even if they change with the winds. because if you don't, i can't trust myself to believe them either. And i'm at a loss.

Outing Part 2

David in all his "gaiety" glory. what were they thinking, adding the feminine covering on him. as if he wasn't already the hot babe candidate for homosexuals. haha. It was an awe inspiring statue they had of David at the main entrance. 2 storeys high as you can see!

This is absolutely my favourite photo out of the entire outing. These are sculptures of Nike, the goddess who brings victory and peace. The colour composition is absolutely stunning.

an art exhibit that shows nature in the heart of civilisation. i think we learnt an important lesson on global warming instead when we ascended to the top. the greenhouse layer nearly hit us backward as we struggled to breathe amidst the thick damp air. the "in-between" seal looked murdered rather than enjoying its amphibian existence between nature and the man-made. From the bottom it looked like it was being lynched.

definitely a social critique of the corrupt leaders of Indonesia to date. some were intact regimes (as signified by the intact crowns), some broken, some totally melted down into a heap of nothingness to trample upon.


this piece of Indonesian art, SK and i disagreed as to what it meant. He thought it was subjugation of women, whilst i saw it as the empowerment of women, because what was heels (subjugation) was transformed into shovels (work) and muscular legs(strength) as pumps. I won in the end, simply because i believe in my art interpretation :) That's what art appreciation is isn't it. Be sure of what you think and impose that on other people subtly in artful language.

that said, i absolutely love museums and art and taking photos of exhibits. (okay even though SK snapped all these photos and not me) It gives me much joy :) i must be an art geek.

Outing.

It was a very enjoyable day out with SK after class yesterday. I'd wanted to go to the Greek Sculpture Exhibition at National Museum of Art before it ends on Sunday and he was free to go and he had the car so we made plans. We reached the museum at 4.30pm and God's favour was upon us because it was free entry 6-8pm yesterday :) We hung around and snooped around the other exhibits till then to enter.

This was one of the first photos i snapped at the museum as we hung around, waiting for 6pm. i love the Victorian rustic stairs and sunny window.

A cool quote that i do not quite understand. weird greeks.

SK made me stand under this quote to snap a photo. It was a mini exercise in embarrassment since there were many guys trying to snap the quote and we were plotting how i could appear under the quote without being too conspicuous. it was hilarious as we scurried away after the crime. I've got to get him to send me the photo.
Having been there for the 3rd time, SK was my free guide. See the apple in Aphrodite's hand? It was the trophy for her unsurpassed beauty in the competition for the most beautiful goddess.
This is Ares, Aphrodite's lover. One of my favourite sculptures because he looked like he breathed. seriously. i stood there breathe abated for 5 minutes as i saw his chest heave with breathing and his flesh come to life. That's why i love Greek sculptures. I spent most of my time at the Greek gallery at the Met last summer. It was so glorious. I'll never forget.

Of course, i was bemused yet again how Greek mythology has such scandalous "lives" having affairs and immoral relations left right center and yet the Greek people held the gods in such high regard. I think the Greek people must be a bunch of bored people who had to live vicariously through the lives of fictitious men and women burning with passion.

i was a little disappointed that there were so few sculptures and exhibits that we could finish seeing everything under an hour. And there was no Hercules. No complete Hercules at least. they could had small replicas of him that weren't intact. Perhaps i'd imagined it to be at least half as grand as the Greek Hall at Metropolitan Museum of Art. I remember the huge Constantine bust i saw last summer. I just stood there in awe. What was i thinking, to compare museums here with New York. But I'm still thankful that i got to see some sculptures on a sunny Friday evening.

I should have snapped more photos.

I saved $4 on my entrance fee for my $14 ramen dinner later. Ramen enthusiasts (read: Grace and Tobias) pls go and try Ken at Orchard Plaza if you haven't. very authentic japanese (according to SK) very delicious (yummy!). The shop front is very japanese too. I think it's one of the best ramen places i ever went to.

We popped by kinokuniya to get some books for his sunday school kids. it was the first time i hang around Kino till they closed. i didn't know they off the lights partially in a polite attempt to chase customers out 5 minutes before. interesting. The queue at the counter got longer the closer it got to the minute.

I was thumbing through The Notebook as i was waiting for SK to pay for his books. Reading through the novel once more made me a little sad. I never watched the movie, perhaps coz i love the book. It's hard explaining why; perhaps the love story was powerful to me because of how much it stands for what i desire. I would want to fall in love with a poet who lived vicariously. But more importantly, the story and writing had a kind of depth that affects me. A kind of emotion and tenacity that stands up under doubt, uncertainty, sickness, death and even.. memories. Love is made all the more harder the lovelier the memories and the reality of it slipping away from one's faculty forever, slowly but surely. And yet Noah hung on. and Allie did too, as long as she could.

would i hang on too? or will i allow myself to drift, to compromise?

I'm always stumped when people ask me how i view relationships and my status. I can only say my only fear is that i'm incapable of love and be loved. There is always the temptation to just be with someone to feed the loneliness. but my heart says no, it cannot do so. It must remain true to itself. But so much so i'm starting to wonder if it's not so much of the right person but an inability to love. I discovered a mind barrier to the heart not long ago and i'm still stupefied as to when i had allowed it to be erected. Was it the time i told myself "Never Again"? Or was God keeping me for the best at the best time? I'm not too sure, as always, but the answer will come some day, in a time of retrospection.

A crown of glory, A royal diadem.

You shall also be [so beautiful and prosperous as to be thought of as] a crown of glory and honor in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem [exceedingly beautiful] in the hand of your God.

You [Judah] shall no more be termed Forsaken, nor shall your land be called Desolate any more. But you shall be called Hephzibah [My delight is in her], and your land be called Beulah [married]; for the Lord delights in you, and your land shall be married [owned and protected by the Lord].

For as a young man marries a virgin [O Jerusalem], so shall your sons marry you; and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

I have set watchmen upon your walls, O Jerusalem, who will never hold their peace day or night; you who [are His servants and by your prayers] put the Lord in remembrance [of His promises], keep not silence,

And give Him no rest until He establishes Jerusalem and makes her a praise in the earth.

Isaiah 62:3-7

God came and touched my heart in the wee hour of the night as i was seeking Him last night. He told me many things, and continues to speak with me. He has poured forth His beauty in me freely, and i am precious and honoured in His sight. i asked Him for an answer and He provided me with it and confirmed it through His Word, of what He is doing in my life and where i am going from here. I was to be His signet ring, his crown of glory, His royal diadem. These were not just empty words or verses from the bible that were pointing to a distant past, but true living words that God spoke to me. I was overwhelmed and I wept with joy. And i thought of J. I sense strongly that God was saying that I was to be married, that it's God's promise and blessing to me and it will be a man who loves and knows God. There was love and desire for this man in a way my human mind cannot explain or comprehend. It's almost as if my heart was set free and my willpower to deny those emotions and feelings are lost in the long winding path between mind and heart.

Prayer - The Heart of God

Sometimes, in the season of spiritual dryness, we might feel that our prayers to God are ineffective. We might not doubt the mightiness of God, but we doubt if we know how to pray. There might be many reasons for this feeling, not least of which sin that hinders our fellowship with God, but sometimes, it might be because we have forgotten what it means to pray.

It is not a mere concoction of requests and supplications that we think are appropriate to set before God. Prayer is the drawing near and putting our heads near His heart and listening out to the prayer of Christ for us and praying it back to Him. It is a picture of intimacy with Our Lord, made possible through the remission of sins through the blood of Christ and the Holy Spirit that resides within us. When we speak of effectiveness of prayer it's not our prayers, but really, Jesus' prayers for us. Hence, we can be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus (2 Timothy 2:1)

* Instead of presenting our supplications and desires to him, spend an extended time of quietness with God, listening out for His prayer for you today.

"And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:18

It is hard to imagine that a soldier will put on his helmet, sword, belt, breastplate, shield and boots, yet neglect to condition his inner being to be prepared psychologically for battle. Such a soldier will look well prepared on the outside, and flee at the sound of the first gunfire, the sight of the first blade. Likewise, prayer is an essential piece in the armour of Christ that we put on. God will teach us to pray for ourselves, as well as for other people, if we would ask.

kid in the candy shop.

indeed i'm a kid in a candy shop. all kinds of colours and brilliance fill my eyes and blind my sight momentarily. A little excitement bubbles and goes "pop" with a delighted squeal. My thoughts today kept drifting back to the rainy afternoon yesterday with RL Boy and the bossa nova music streaming into my ears. yet i remember within my soul all was absolutely quiet, thick with tranquility. What a languid state of existence that felt strangely alive. I remember congratulating myself for the detachment and existential peace. That i was dreaming. That finally i was fulfilling my destiny as a dreamer.

When will i stop dreaming? or should i ask will i ever? My life is starting to seem to be a series of rose-coloured dreams, sweet and perfect, but seldom lasting at the break of dawn. Dawn comes early or later, but when it comes, it's almost always time to dream another dream. Each better than the next, so i'm not sure if i should complain. If only i had a dream catcher to capture the moment once and for all.

All Broken Up and Dancing

Monday is Ralph Lauren Boy day. He wore purple today. I walked him to class as we talked about Chungking Express (about me having watched the film obsessively 8 times and him only 2) and he ended up skipping half of his next lecture and we sat at Coffee Club Express to talk about film and literature and music flowed through his ipod and music notes were saturating the misty rain around us. Music by Kelvin Tan, a Singapore Singer-Songwriter, writer, playwright and ex-friend of his. He told me about his favourite book and how he ended up writing a brief entry on Wikipedia because he believes Kelvin to be a Singapore gem not to be disregarded. It was very comfortable to just be languid and unintentional. Though he spoke more than i did, because he had more interesting things to say. I wanted to listen.

Ralph Lauren Boy is special, unlike most people that i know; artistic and yet attuned to the underbelly of the Singaporean existence, passionate about the arts and yet aloof to the expository of ideas in political theory class. He's an enigma. But with him it is a "sterile excitation" of the intellect, to quote Weber; no special flutter of the heart (except for last week when he was acting strange but after a while i got used to his antics aha!), just a curiosity of what goes on in his head. it was much that went on in his head, it so seems, despite the telltale restlessness that plagues him in political theory class. You wouldn't have thought he was someone who thought very deeply. But he does, except that it wasn't about political theory. To him, it was writing, film, music. Interesting.

The Leap Years

"I'm dreaming a little dream of you".. That was what The Leap Years was, a dream that seemed surreal in every way and unfolds quietly and unassumingly. Of chasing after a dream that one knows one can grasp, as long as one believes and not crumble under doubt. The movie confronts the age-old dilemma for dreamers: whether to believe unwaveringly in the existence of The One. Wrapped in the wistfulness of February and magic of Feb 29, the answer that the movie gives is an equivocal "yes". Although it would take a little more to convince the cynics.

My sister didn't quite like the parallel storyline and confused chronological order and the fact that the "most important" happily-ever-after was never shown in the movie. I saw however, a different sort of romanticism, one which didn't try to be optimistic, only honest to itself. The very last scene that was closet to "happily-ever-after" was enough for me. There was for me a sense of closure that didn't need explicit portrayal.

Technicalities wise, dreamy cinematography made our dear sunny island more than a tad romantic; there were no harsh HDB skylines or overexposed scenes of busy streets and crowds, but low key lighting that cloaked the languid streets of Chinatown in a gentle hue of romance and dreams. Talk about looking at the world through rose-tinted lens. i loved the swirling scene in the bar when Li-Ann was with her friends when she recited the line with a sort of pensive reflection, "it's better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all". The camera movement was energetic and captured the exchange very well. 2 thumbs up for Li Lin's best performance yet. She was Li Ann, a fiery romantic staunch in her dreams; confident, unassuming, positive, energetic, spirited. She sketched, she wrote poems, she dreamt, she waited, she wept. I am utterly enamored by Li Ann. Her older self, Joan Chen, gave a good performance but she was severely limited by her part in the movie, which was predominantly about a trip down the memory lane; the present reality is but a literary device to make it more enticing.



i cringed whenever Qi Yi Wu appeared; i don't think he played the role of KS very well. The guy who acted as Raymond would have given a more convincing performance i believe. To be honest, Ananda didn't have very good chemistry with Li Lin either, but i think Li Lin was the saving grace of the entire movie. Plus the beautiful cinematography and portrayal of a city capable of love and to be loved. Singapore Tourism Board would be very excited. The quotes that pop up once in a while tightens the story rather well but borders on being cliche on their own (Think Shakespeare's "It is not in the stars that hold our destiny but in ourselves"). [i think i heaved a sigh of relief that the epitome of cheesiness "If you love him let him go" didn't come up. It would have been a real demerit point for me.] i also thought it was irritating to not know who Li Ann ended up with because the figure on the hospital bed remained anonymous till the very end. At first, it seemed like a pretty cool literary device to retain an air of mystery as the story progressed, but being too stingy with the cues (such as facial features of Jeremy) made the ending less convincing.

Perfection is plastic, when it comes to dreams. I think the flaws in the movie make the dream a little more real.

my citizenship

Day was enjoyable with a lunch date with dear grace :) we talked and had a good time just enjoying one another. she caught me i n one of those little daytime rêves as my mind wandered off and i sheepishly told her about the little dream that i had last night. i told her about my little request to God for an exciting partner and her incisive question of "don't you already know who it is" elicited in me a response a tad self-defensive because a part of me knows i've been caught going a little off-track. there are a lot of excuses and justifications, but i know deep down i'm just restless about waiting for God's plan to unfold.

After watching the sermon i finally understood God's question to me

"Is this how you wait for the Messiah?"

i'm not going to bargain with God, why ask for a discount when He is going to offer me the best quality goods at the best price? Do you know, that nothing in my life beats the fact that i'm going to Heaven, a place where my God, where Jesus dwells? Absolutely nothing. Not beauty, not wealth, not intelligence, not even a handsome boyfriend (haha!). His will for me is going to be absolutely glorious. I will not fight God. Because i saw a glimpse of His glory tonight.

the email blast i did for this week's rally. If you didn't already know, I'm Publicity Director for NUS Navigators! :) I love using God-given creativity to create. (seriously, creativity can come from nowhere else.) To learn to be as colourful (though not as much as Him of course) as my dear Creator. I always sense God's pleasure on me when i come up with email blasts using Fireworks. He's always smiling down at me :)

And so, the point was we watched the video sermon on Heaven today. And i realigned my confused and wandering spirit and anchored myself with my beloved God today, after a brief wandering of the heart.

Tonight, John Bevere talked about the New Jerusalem, with lotsa Scripture to back it up but i remembered none of it. Only the story he told about his friend and his 10year old son.

His friend's 10 year old son in 1979 was electrocuted, as he was watching TV while bathing. Apparently, the little boy had wanted to catch some League finals and accidentally dragged the entire TV into the bathtub. When the Sheriff-turned-preacher went home after his first day of preaching, he found his wife curled up in one corner of the house just crying and calling "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus" over and over. He rushed upstairs to find his son's dead body; the little boy had turned blue, absolutely no sign of life in his pupils. The father was devastated and when the paramedics came he told them to wait and for a full 45 minutes he refused to let them pronounce him dead as he went into another room to pray to God to resurrect his son.

Just as he surrendered to God near the end of 45 mins, telling God that he had no faith left to pray, that he needed God's faith to fill him, the ERG machine came to live again and registered the faint heartbeat of the little boy.

When they got to the hospital, the doctors managed to get the little boy's heartbeat going, but told the father that if the son was going to make it, he was going to have a 0.1% IQ and the physical capabilities of a 3 month old infant for the rest of his life. Basically, a vegetable-to-be. the father continued to pray, continued to play worship songs and God's Word in the little boy's ward.

Nothing happened for 7 months. 7 long months.

The boy woke up from that long sleep one day and told his parents about the Heaven that he went to.

The little boy said he felt no pain that night he was electrocuted. An angel of God was with him in the bathroom that night and took him by the right hand and lifted his spirit out of his body. The first thing he realized when he was in Heaven was that he had not a 10year old body, but a 30year old, matured body. He was brought to a street, on a path not lined with gold, but made entirely of PURE GOLD. Gold that the little boy had never seen before and in that city of God, flowers and trees and grass of a vibrancy that breathes life.

Every colour that he recognized as what he seen on earth was infinitely more brilliant and alive in Heaven. There were colours he hadn't seen on earth before, more colours than he ever knew. He saw the faces of dead relatives and even a neighbour, Phyllis, who died 2 weeks after his mother had led her to Christ. Some of those relatives died even before he was born. The people were all smiling and when the crowd around him parted, there in front of him was Jesus.

Jesus asked him if he would like to tour the city. the boy said yes and together with the Lord they went round the city. It was glorious. As he floated and walked and spoke with Christ, he enjoyed the fellowship tremendously. He saw many things, even the beautiful mansions that Jesus had prepared for his family. Each big mansion had a name written on it.

When the time came, Jesus told him, "You must go back to earth". The little boy didn't want to. Jesus pulled open a veil and behind that was the scene of the little boy's father on his knees in prayer, crying out to God to save his son. "Your father is praying for you, and he was authority. Besides, i have called you to be an evangelist, so go back to earth," Jesus said with much love.

And so the little boy, who was supposed to be a vegetable with 0.1% IQ all his life, came to life much to the astonishment of the doctors. He went on to graduate from high school, went on to be the class president, went to college, graduated, went on to bible school and eventually, prepared himself to be an evangelist, what God had called him to do. Alive and well, because God's spirit was with him. Alive and well, because Jesus died and rose again. The little boy who is not so little anymore, still periodically jokes with his father not to pray for him to come to life should he die again, so that he might be with Jesus.

Such a beautiful story of God's love and Heaven with Him :)

I'm really looking forward to eternity spent with God. My spirit yearns for that. But i have received my calling in God. To be a Rae of Light for Him. so not yet. Not so soon :)

I pray that i will be faithful with all that He has called and commissioned to do, so that when i see Him face to face, i know that i have been a good and faithful servant to my Lord who loves me so much. My citizenship, is in Heaven.

it's all a dream that will pass.

Ralph Lauren boy strikes again, to upset my inner equilibrium, bringing with him a sense of anticipation that infects the butterflies in my stomach. it didn't help that the freezing cold room kept me shivering; the titillation that was in my heart manifested in my physical shivering by the end of the second hour. he was beside me and leaned forward in an almost conspiratorial way, explaining to me under his breathe, that he had found a common humanism in Weber and Schmitt. I nodded and listened, as i willed myself to be strong. He was in many ways the epitome of an ideal, and i told myself, no, i would not be taken in. Mirages tend to have the bad habit of being existential, their beauty leaving an aftertaste that reminds you, "Never Again, Will I Be Taken In." I struggle against those mirages, as long as i can, but they often illicit in me a sense of discomforting dissatisfaction with the status quo, those thoughts that taunt me that i could have it much better.

miracle.

My sister watched Prince of Egypt and told me how amazed she was at the miracle of how the Israelites built the pyramids with their bare hands, how Moses led the people out of Egypt, how he parted the Red Sea and the people could pass through, and shared with me the soundtrack, "When You Believe". It's an encouragement and reminder that my God is Faithful, Righteous, and Mighty to Save. Therie, this is for you :)

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could :)

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could


There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe


In this time of fear
When prayers so often prove in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
To swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles, when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe


They don't always happen when you ask
(Oh)
And it's easy to give in to your fears
(Oh...Ohhhh)
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see your way straight throught the rain
Small but still, resilient voice
Says love is the relief
(Ohhh)

There can be miracles
(Miracles)
When you believe
(Lord, when you believe)
Though hope is frail
(Though hope is frail)
It's hard to kill
(Hard to kill, Ohhh)
Who know what miracles,you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will(somehow,somehow, somehow)
somehow you will
You will when you believe

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe...in your heart
Just believe
You will when you believe

hope.

There are some questions that you can ask over and over, despite knowing the answer already. It's even written down somewhere in an obscure journal. There are some questions that you want to ask over and over, despite having asked over and over anyways. I asked if i could stop hoping, I asked if I could stop waiting. Because it's difficult, because it entails hiding something in my heart that takes up space and because this has weight that bears down on me.

"Is this how you wait for the Messiah?"

It is fundamentally different, faith and hope, I argued. The close reference to this hope and faith in God Himself is making me uncomfortable. Yet I do not know if it's truly one and same, or is my flesh making justifications. It's a purification process of sorts, as i search again and again for the reason for my hope.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

- Hebrews 11:1

What does it all mean?

Ready to GO~

God Cares
God is in Control
God will Provide.

Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall. Psalm 55:22

With this post-it note up in front of me, i'm proceeding to leave my mark here before getting ready to sprint full steam ahead with my European Politics paper. I've every earthly reason to panic with 2 major papers (untouched) due on Friday, yet no reason at all to doubt that God will come through for me. It's a strange faith in exercise, because faith requires a certain detachment from the worry, yet a commitment to pull my weight on my side of the bargain. the dilemma bwtween How hard to push myself to finish what i have to, and How rested and RELAC i have to be in Him. The path i choose is to honour Him, just came back from exco prayer from school; i was a little sulky that Z insisted that we come back and pray because i was ready to glue my bottom at home, in a 24 hour frenzy to at least get a good headstart on one paper. But i'm glad i still went; now with refreshed mind and faith that God is able, i'm all ready.

Words and bibliography will not fall down from the sky, but i believe that the Holy Spirit residing in me can bring divine inspiration and unsurpassed efficiency.

Ready, Get Set, GO!!~

i'm feeling the weight upon my shoulders, the amount of work to complete, what with project meetings and papers and time for myself and for God. i'm telling myself that these are not Sisyphean work, but responsibilities that God has given, that i must prove faithful.

birthday celebrations are going to be over soon and looking at the repertoire of well wishes and gifts, i was surprised to find 4 books among them. They're going to be good additions to my library :) I love especially Tzing's gift to me. i've always loved good books, writings that have stood the test of time and/or scrutiny of literary lovers. I fall in love with words, travel, beauty and it seems to me that this book offers a splendid mix of it... or will it turn out to be a figment of the imagination?

The rest of the three books are also very good Christian books, although i don't know if i have the time to read all of them in the near future.

It has always been my random wish to have my own library next time. not a shelf of books, not shelves of books, but a real library of my own. And they'll all be new books with covers neatly wrapped with plastic because i can't stand yellowing pages and dog earred corners :)

Thank you, Navigators :)

Thank you brothers and sisters for being a part of my life this season.
I was just thinking of how i came to join the Navs as a young Christian in my freshmen year, how much God transformed my life in these 3 years and i can't stop giving thanks. How he sent people into my life, then and now, to sow and water and He Himself making me grow. How He showed me the work He's doing in other's lives to encourage and inspire me.

All of you have been such an important part of my walk with the Lord. I'll like to share about Something and Someone that really left a deep impact upon my life because i want to thank him and i believe you will agree he has made a deep impact in your life too: Jeremy Our dear President!! I remember very early on during my time in the Nav in one rally, Jeremy stood up in front of all of us and shared of how he struggled and how he wanted to make a fresh commitment to God. i remembered he shaved his hair to seal that commitment. I didn't know Jeremy very well then but i was just amazed at how honest and open he was in sharing with the Nav family. As i observed God's work in Jeremy's life, the total transformation of my dear brother inside-out, to someone who encourages and affirms, to someone with a heart for the individual, to someone who leads by serving, to a man after God's own heart; it really spurred me on. it's a beautiful testimony of God's grace and love. Thank you brother, that by being a living sacrifice to God (Romans 12:1), you have been a living testimony to us! :)



By our own strength we could never have endeavored to be someone new. God says very clearly that if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come! i took a long hard look at myself this 22nd birthday and i truly love myself more than i did when i was 18 before i met the Lord. His work in my life truly made me beautiful, more and more like His Son Jesus. I told God no way am i going to lament, like my peers that i'm one year OLDER, but i'm going to give thanks that I'VE BEEN WITH THE LORD ONE MORE YEAR! What a privilege. And it struck me how GOD never improvises or improves us from where we were, but transforms us COMPLETELY. Right down to our core. His transformational powers are amazing. more amazing than POWER RANGERS (okay i just had to crack a lame joke even in times of thanksgiving and testimony sharing. ahaha forgive me. Nav culture rubbing off me la~)

And i want to testify that GOD IS AMAZING and works in ways we can and cannot see. His open and closed doors are loving signposts that point us to His GOOD, PERFECT and PLEASING WILL for us.

i remember in my freshman year God spoke very clearly to join the Navs even though i was serving in cellgroup and i'd wanted to join Campus Crusade. He knew then how i will grow in the love and grace so bountiful in this Nav community.i remember how He spoke to me not to go on exchange in my 3rd year so that i can serve on the exco though my flesh was unwilling. And yet when i obeyed i've been so blessed by this time of serving and being served. i remember how at overnight prayer in DEC 2006 God told me I was to be His Rae of Light, confirmed it through the mouth of my pre-believing fren Jian and then proceeded to work miracles in my family by changing the spiritual atmosphere and giving us HOPE that can only come from Him. God has been speaking to me about Proverbs 3:5-6 recently (thank you Jonah for praying that for us tonight) and as i count my blessings, i can only praise the wonder of these words:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and He will make your paths straight."

Our God is real, living, unchangeable and loves us with an everlasting love that can never be lessened regardless of what we do or choose not to do. Nothing that we do can make Him love us more, nothing that we can do can Him love us less. My birthday wish for this year (yes Ivy, kiasu me keeps making the same wish everytime i make one so that it's more effective ahaha) is to be right in the center of God's will always :) That's all i need to live a life that's worth living!

In His Love,
Weiting~
God's Rae of Light

the poet.

"What is a poet? He is a man of religious experience whose creative gift enables him to communicate spiritual truths to men. His poetry can bring deliverance from spiritual death, bringing his hearers to a new knowledge of their divine Creator, who gave him this special power. In this way souls that have been disordered can be healed, and the human relation with God may be restored when it has been impaired...This is the fruit and indeed the purpose of music and poetry, direct gifts from God to mankind."

-- Elizabeth Henry, Orpheus and His Lute

the music of the soul

the soul's longing demands from me a dance, a jubilation of being alive, of being carefree, of being just in the moment. And such moments are private, intense yet light; the joy of a heart immersed in artful solitude. It's February, a time to dream, to time to live and laugh and cry where the "real" world of demands don't matter, and i live within my own head.

Journalism.

I believe in the power of the written word, in improving the human condition. The spread of knowledge and information in the public sphere propels public awareness of societal issues that leads to public action. My decision to study Political Science in National University of Singapore is due to this belief; that to be able to make an impact through journalism or other forms of media, I’d first have to be trained and to have a good grasp of what the world is. A few semesters into my studies, my passion for human interest and politics have been fuelled further.

Politics is more than institutions, laws, structures or a bill of rights. It is very much about people, describing how the elite make decisions that affect a disproportionate number of people, for the better or for the worse. The pronounced social inequality that the world is experiencing today is due to many factors, chief of which stemming from reasons that are political and economical. The disparity between the rich and poor is ever increasing, even as we celebrate the overall increase in standard of living globally.

Through the study of politics and political sociology, I’ve learnt that there is a need to deconstruct the meanings of “buzzwords” that disguises deliberate political action as a natural progression of human history. The spread of democracy, for example had at one time been seen as human progress but in recent years, been heavily criticized by scholars as perpetrating global American hegemony. The tension between political theory and political action is omnipresent across space. It sometimes fascinates and other times confound me. Rhetoric put forth by leaders can sometimes come across as awe-inspiring but subsequent actions taken might turn the logic on its head, most recently exemplified in the war on Iraq. Democracy forcibly imposed upon a people is a paradox by itself; the quest for American national interest in this “War for Democracy” has not escaped the notice of the world.

Moreover, phenomena such as globalization have been marketed as the latest gadget for greater economic prosperity for all, as increased global links will diffuse economic benefits to all. However, this diffusion has not occurred evenly, but developing regions such as the Middle East have continued to lag behind. The myth of a global economy disillusions those who place the most hope on it, and this I believe, is one of the mitigating factors for international terrorism today. Religious fanaticism has been fanned by such economical inequalities and allowed to flourish in impoverished conditions that many are faced with today.

Palagummi Sainath, a award-winning development journalist who has covered the reality of Indian’s most impoverished, is an inspirational figure to me. Sainath believed that news should not be “entertainment” covering the consumerism of the urban elite, but rather, he put focused his reporting on ½ billion rural Indians who live in extreme poverty in the aftermath of globalization. Through his works, he provided an unabashed and accurate political and socio-cultural explanation of the culture of poverty. It was also the first time that I learnt that “muckraking” is not necessarily a derogatory term associated with a scandal-mongering journalist, but can be a means to serve the public interest, by uncovering political fraud, waste, corruption and other actions by those in power that compromises the human condition. My encounter with his works ignited my interest in investigative journalism.

reticence

No matter how many personality tests i go through, i can't escape the quiet loner analysis :)

a day where the inner INFP in me surfaces and prompts me to be reticent. As usual the little proud lion in me tries to fight this urge to shut down and i tried to engage myself in the discussion for Contemporary Political Theory class, albeit half heartedly. Perhaps i should have allowed myself to be silent but i simply cannot condone silence when the floor's open and everyone looks awkwardly down at their notes or feet. Airtime to be is a concept to be filled to the full because learning for me is in the exchange of ideas.

But today, is a day of reticence. A general sense to withdraw from human interactions and hide in the library to get some work done or at least to write, even if it's a frivolous blog. Writing to me is as air is to the lungs. It can only be so long that i refrain from or forget to breathe.

This is a season when i want to find myself and my place in the world. Should i be a diplomat? A researcher? A creative director at an advertising company? A writer? A professor? An events management person? A bureaucrat in the United Nations? in Ortega's words, i'm the modern Mass Man faced with endless possibilities and yet a spirit which simultaneously blocks me from grabbing hold of these possibilities.

This semester, i declined the invitation to apply for an internship with the Public Sector. The non-desire helped to push it out of my mind till the deadline is well over (jan 20, i checked my email account just now) as always. a lingering "What then?" occupies a corner of my mind but i do have an inkling that God will lead me to something of meaning and purpose for me. He has wired me unable to be in a vocation just for the money or security.

I know i need to do something creative, not just in an ARTS sense, but in an IDEAS sense. i need to travel widely. i need to be stimulated. i need to be working for causes i believe in.

What's left, is to connect the dots and figure out which job fits these clauses.

balloooooons.

i absolutely adore balloons. i think i have the Winnie-the-Pooh complex. (Remember how Pooh floats by holding on to a bunch of balloons and descends by holding up an open umbrella?) Whereas my feminine self is rather immune to flowers.

Balloons induce in me inexplicable happiness that makes my heart very light and happy for no reason when i hold them and i gaze childishly at them float. i could do it all day with no sense of shame.

And there's also a person who brings me inexplicable happiness that makes my heart very light and happy for no reason when i gaze at him too. Much like balloons. Which confounds and simultaneously baffles me because i never knew my heart was capable of feeling something this genuine. As he spoke to me about a book he read, what it means to Ask, Seek, Knock, my heart was leaping in quiet joy as i enjoyed his presence.

*

Gracie shared with me an article from Harvest Times which really spoke to me. It had God's checklist for the right mate:

♥ Sexually Pure
♥Spiritually disciplined
♥Character rooted in the fruit of the Spirit
♥Honest and Truthful
♥Generous in giving to God's work and in blessing others
♥Wise steward of time, talent and resources
♥Disciplined spiritually in work, worship, study of the Word, stewardship, prayer, intercession, ♥meditation, simplicity, solitude, witnessing, serving
♥Free from generational curses
♥Takes biblical "covenant" seriously
♥Has healthy, holy relational skills
♥Loves God passionately, loves others sincerely
♥Jesus shines through him/her

I can't help but agree that God's list is so much wiser than what i can ever come up with. And i know that he is able to fulfill this list, even if he is a work-in-progress. More importantly i yearn to fulfill the criteria for this list. There is nothing to substitute for my personal relationship with Christ, not even a strong Christian husband who leads me. I am responsible for my own relationship with my Lord.

gaiety.

another bombshell fell in my heterosexual world today. yes, with no foreshadowing, another friend admitted to me his "gaiety" like he was talking about an ulcer on a typical day. I wasn't shocked, but truly thankful that he had chosen to share with me though we haven't been super duper close. yet i know that it is a privilege that he had trusted me to confide in me, that i might intercede and pray. I remember when Kel told me he was homosexual, it was 3am over MSN when we were slogging out our guts for a project. It came as a huge surprise and through his experience i learnt alot about the homosexual community. God placed a special burden on my heart to pray for him and to let him know that God and i love him regardless. Hate the sin but love the sinner was the message that God taught me. And today's encounter once again reminded me of Kel and i wish to meet up and catch up on how he's doing.

I think being female and more attuned to the emotional realm keeps me from condemning homosexuals, simply because there is a distance (i'm safe from being the target of affections) and there can be room for empathy. I believe that homosexuality, like adultery, starts not from lust, but from an emotional root. Of wanting to be accepted, wanting to be loved, wanting to be understood plus the fear of rejection (either by opposite sex or spouse) which drives people to go down the path of sin. My friend today told me he's acutely aware that his homosexual tendencies has to do with his growing up with a distant father and lack of male company. God's Word keeps him from the physical sin but his heart and mind wanders from time to time.

There was a tone of resignation as he recounted his growing up years. The sort of resignation that must resound in my voice when i talk about MY growing up years, relations with my mum and my resulting fluctuating sense of self worth. But i'm slowly learning to get that resignation out of my mind and unlearn alot of lies that i allowed myself to believe. Same lesson - Romans 12:2, and being worthy of the calling and new life i have received. What a lie that i can never transcend my past and my own thoughts and ways! i truly pray that the hearts of many will be enlightened to see what Christ offers.

I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.

Ephesians 1:17-21

ralph lauren in the pink.

For the longest time i've wondered if the Big Pony Ralph Lauren Polo Tees that are all the rage now in Singapore were authentic or Thailand rip offs because it was jarring how everyone's logo's seemed to have expanded to epic proportions. After an angsty surf on the net, i've verified the existence of an ostentiatious-sized logo in an official RP vintage pic (shown above). Still, it doesn't negate the fact that i remain unaccustomed to the enormous logo that looks like it might come alive and charge at me any minute. i reserve further judgment on it, for fear that one day i might change my mind and think it tolerable.

What spurred off this mini investigation was the fact that Justin looked pretty fine in a pink RP (Big Pony, i stress) in class today. But more importantly, this new acquaintance this semester shed some light into my personal journey, despite having met him for a brief 5 weeks. At our first meeting, the prof assigned us to be buddiesand we ended up engaged in a long conversation about his exchange to Europe and all that he had seen in Budapest, film art, his aspirations to be a film maker one day, his critique of Eric Khoo etc. It was a comfortable sort of conversation that was more than superficial with a dose of sincerity and openness. Today he stopped by to chat during the break today; less conversation more small talk but i try not to beat myself up about needing to make meaningful conversation all the time.

It sparked off a dialogue with God a couple of hours ago, which i'll reorganize in part here.

Basically, looking at Justin now, i'm reminded of how different a person i'll be if i met him at 18. i'd have felt inadequate, yet completely wowed away by him as i throw caution to the winds. And i'd let pride and a shaky self-worth dictate the course of my affections. But now, fast forward to 3 years of pain and joy and plain walking forward, i am more secure in who i am, relative to the world, to other people. Having learnt to detach myself from my obstinate point of view that was habitually masochistic, i turned my focus outward to appreciate others without comparing my worth. I ask God to help me build strong platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex, that i might be free to be who i am, with more genuineness and sincerity.

Every improvement, a betterment of the past, but i dare not say that i have transcended all (or even any) of my blind spots or weakness. just bettered. i'm acutely aware of my "work-in-process" status; there is much to reach for, attain, and grasp. This is when i adore the forward-lookingness of the AC moto, "The best is yet to be". I fear that one day i might forget all these growing pains, and revert back to my worldly fears, escapism and self defeatism. God throws the same lessons at us in various guises over and over again till we recall and learn. I ask only, that i be worthy of all that i've attained, this calling that i've received by grace.

February, my love.

It's already February, but it only seems that the year only started off sparkling new now. perhaps because Chinese New Year has always been a more proper reference point for me rather than Jan 1, or perhaps because February is always a special month for me. Not least because it's my birth month.

But more importantly, February, is the month to dream, where anything goes. The epitome of "Dreams are the blueprint of the life".

Associated with Feb is also a sense of romanticism and wistfulness about it, being a month shorter than all the others, being a season that allows one to dream, without all the rush of January, all the laze and excitement of june and july, all that solemn reflective mood of November and December.

I've been dreaming alot, with some of those vague dreams taking place slowly in fast paced January. Surrounded myself with some beautiful things, getting my body in check with exercise, taking care of a shell to house a beautiful soul. There has been too much talk of inner beauty for those who shun the pain of never feeling adequate; it's more accurate to speak of a beautiful house for a beautiful soul, but not before we figure out that beauty on the outside is not a definition monopolized by images of magazine cover models or painted faces on the television.

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

1 Peter 3:3-4

Beauty shouldn't be divisible into outer and inner regions, but an inner quality, an inner confidence of one's worth that radiates from the inside out. The origins are deep, but manifestations outward as well. An overflow not unlike the love of God that doesn't cease its flow in the face of tribulations and trials. There is a certain timeless quality about that beauty that captivates and attracts unknowingly. But there is a time and season to be acutely aware of that beauty that radiates outwards, so that one may learn how to graciously be the vessel of beauty to the world.

i constantly fight the battle that makes me feel like Frankenstein. i never know quite what to feel from my own reflection from reflective surfaces in shopping malls. Sometimes exuberant others despondent. But it is an inner fight of definitions and belief systems that have malfunctioned. Time to renew, time to move on, time for some redefinition. and hence, Romans 12:2 rings out.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

There are many things to dream about. I dream of travel, love, beauty. Honestly, the three areas are not that distinct from one another. I ask myself if I could be ready to be mundane and ordinary at this stage of my life. Of marrying a regular good boy, having a few kids to occupy mt time, getting by with some finance-related job or even to be a tai tai whose occupation is a languid afternoon with tea and tai-tai friends whilst my kids play with my pals' kids... and the answer is no. and i fear that i can't be satisfied with that in foreseeable future. A part of me too intense, too flighty, too ambitious, too romantic and too fluid with that kind of security. i need to gravitate towards excitement and uncertainty. Until that happens, my soul feels a little too empty.