His presence

In His presence, the pain in my heart wells up to the point of release. And yet, better is one day in Your courts, than a thousand elsewhere.

Only He will understand, how deep my regrets in life. And only He will grant me the pardon I need.

But honestly? I very much feel like running away.

Break.

I had once prayed, that God would break me, break me down completely, that I might yield to His will for me. Perhaps He had already started a long time ago, but I was resisting, resisting silently yet persistently that I might not feel the pain and sorrow.

I too, want to take a break from myself, my own fortress and high tower. Away from myself to a place of art, beauty, contemplation. 

Scholarly stress

On my way to language exams.. I ask why I'm subjected to such scholarly stress once again, but last night I had a dream. In my dream I was explaining to 2 university students the importance of good essay writing, reminiscent of my PS Peers Writing Center days where i explained tirelessly the need for good topic sentences strategically placed in their appropriate paragraphs. And strangely I was comforted, reminded once again my love for words and good communication. And I thank God that even in mastering a new language, I see how the language ability given me was trans-culture and trans-language somehow. Writing an essay in English or Malay was the same enchanting process for me, to make myself understood loud and clear, using the most appropriate words my vocabulary would allow me. And I find much joy and satisfaction in doing so.

I ask myself how to harness this passion. The impatience inbuilt in my gung-ho personality arises again. But perhaps, this time I shall leave it to ferment and grow. God plants and He will grow it. A season, for every activity under the sun.

Boaz, not Bozo!

A post from 10 months ago which inspired me then, and gave me new food for thought now. I suddenly remember, all that expectancy i had as a single girl.. and starting to appreciate this piece even more. Yet, in all honesty, a relationship is the last thing on my mind now. i'm taking a break from all these things.. and perhaps even from God. cruising along, cruising.

20 Dec 2008

No Bozos for me anymore. I want Boaz!

Amazing Excerpts from A Man Worth Waiting For by Jackie Kendall.

A man who was single until he was 53 responded with this...

An ideal man:
--Should have a passion for the quality of gentleness
--Should desire to crawl up into the lap of Jesus and abide there minute by minute each day.
--Should have a passion to be more Christlike in word, deed, and thought every minute of the day.
--Should be one who desires to control his tongue with the help of the Holy Spirit.
--Has a real desire for spiritual wisdom
--Is one who recognizes that he is of great importance/significance to God and therefore he cares for/loves himself in such a manner that he is able to love others as himself.
--Works to protect his heart and keep it open to the Holy Spirit and input from other brothers and sisters in Jesus.

Another response....

Integrity is the first thing that comes to mind. What you see is what you get. He is the same person with his family, on his job, with his friends...he is consistent. Doesn't have anything to hide from the Lord.

Wisdom. Very difficult thing to come by, because wisdom is from the Lord. Many people have knowledge, and it sounds good, but it isn't right. When we have wisdom from the Lord, we will always find God's best.

Humility. If a man has integrity and wisdom, there will always be people who want him. When that happens, it is easy to get caught up in ourselves, and fall prey to the three G's: the glory, the glitter, and the girls. The first two strengths then become a weakness, because it robs God of His glory.


Excerpt from the section "Make Him Climb, Girl":

"Make him climb a tree. The climbing would test his calf muscles and his perseverance. The top of the tree is where the best fruit is; the rotten fruit drops to the ground. A Bozo guy is content with what is on the bottom branches and even what has dropped rotten to the ground, but only a Boaz has the calf muscles-character-to climb to the top of a tree for the best fruit (you).

Psalm 80:12 says, "But now, why have you broken down our walls so that all who pass may steal our fruit?" When I read this verse I thought, You can't steal the fruit high up in a tree as easily as you can the fruit that is hanging on the lowest branches. Broken walls let trespassers into a garden....allow Jesus to place some building blocks in your hands that will rebuild where your wall has been broken. This wall of protection will not keep out an honorable Boaz. In fact, the man worth waiting for has the strength from God not only to climb a tree for you but also to scale a wall to win your heart: "For by You I can run against a troop, by my God I can leap over a wall." (ps. 18:29) Don't settle for a guy who wouldn't leap over a wall for you or climb the highest tree for you! Your heavenly Bridegroom was willing to die for you; don't settle for less in an earthly bridegroom."

"A man of noble character knows how to love long-term. How important is character? That can be answered with another question: how important is love? Love that lasts beyond the seven year itch, love that lasts beyond financial setbacks, love for better or for worse is love that is supported by depth of character.

Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Emotions come and go, but a choice is reinforced by one's character. The problem today with many men is lack of real character development. Bozos love when they feel like it. Boazes love enduringly. The growth of character enhances a man's capacity to love well and long-term.

The commitment phobia that so many use as an excuse for singleness is a reflection of shallow character. Character and love are inextricably linked, as noted by author C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity: "Love, as distinct from being in love, is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity; maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by [in Christian marriages] the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God."

A man's character is revealed during times of trial. On a date in a controlled environment, a guy can appear to be a Boaz. But it is critical to have an opportunity to see how he responds to stress and disappointment because his response reveals his character. Moses wrote, "Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would really obey his commands." (Deut. 8:2)

When you're considering a guy's character, trying to discern if he is a Boaz or a Bozo, ask yourself: Is this person qualified to help me obey God? Another way to phrase it: Does this guy draw me closer to God or distract me from God?

A Boaz will encourage you to obey God.
A Bozo will encourage you to disobey God.

He who loves you most will help you obey God. My husband and I taught a large singles Bible study for five years. We challenged more than a hundred singles every week with this exhortation from Hebrews: "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Heb 10:24). Are you looking for a man who will encourage you to obey God, or have you been spending time with a man who encourages you to disregard what God is showing you?"

A Man Worth Waiting For (MWWF) has Noble Character

--He Loves in Action as Well as Words

--He Inspires Respect

--He Exhibits the "Three I's"
Identity in Christ
Integrity in Life
Initiative

--He Protects
Physical Protection
Emotional Protection

--Sad to say, Christian girls today don't expect to be treated with honor. They don't expect guys to be in awe of them. They're so in awe of the guys, they'll do whatever the guys want! A normal, proper attitude toward you as a young woman is one of respect and protection. Men should protect your honor and your purity. A Boaz does.
Where do you think Boaz goe his sensitivity training? Consider his background. He was raised by a mom who knew firsthand how men can take advantage of women! Did you know that Boaz's mom was Rahab the harlot? Boaz was raised by a woman with a colorful past, but her wise choices decided her future destiny. Rahab chose the God of Israel, she rescued Israel's spies (who later saved her life), and she raised a boy who became a principled protector of women (Josh 2). Rahab trained her son to understand: guys are here to protect, not exploit women.

--He Provides
--At mealtime Boaz said to her, "Come over here. Have some bread and dip it in the wine vinegar." When she sat down with the harvesters, he offered her some roasted grain. She ate all she wanted and had some left over. As she got up to glean, Boaz gave orders to his men, "Even if she gathers among the sheaves, don't embarrass her. Rather, pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don't rebuke her." (Ruth 2:14-16)

After sharing lunch with her, Boaz even secretly arranged for greater provision! He was quite extravagant. As I previously noted, he went beyond what the Hebrew Law required for the needy. The Hebrew Law required only that Boaz give Ruth the leftovers of his harvest-but he gave from the harvest itself. Why does a woman settle for a man who is too self-absorbed to give her more than she needs? Why do women so willingly settle for crumbs? Why do so many bright, wonderful girls act like the needy teen I was in high school always paying for the privilege of being loved? Do women so want male attention that they are willing to pay for it rather than be the recipient of blessings initiated in secret, like Boaz's provision for Ruth?

When you're sorting through the Boazes from the Bozo's in your life, look at how a man gives. Does he give freely, generously, offer more than enough? Or does he cling to his wallet, dispersing funds reluctantly or morosely? A Boaz gladly provides.

A Bozo offers no security because he holds back financially and emotionally. A Boaz provides joyfully.

--He is a Persistent Pursuer
--Boaz approached Ruth first. He instigated their relationship. When she responded he was persistent in his pursuit. Such honorable pursuit and persistence stand in such contrast to the training that men today receive in relation to being a MWWF. From a young age, men are trained how to hide their feelings, how to win in a fistfight, how to hit a ball, how to shoot a gun, how to birdie on the sixteenth hole, and how to manipulate several remote controls simultaneously.

Some men live a whole lifetime and never master the science of How to Handle a Woman. The Apostle Peter had a wife, and he knew from firsthand experience what he wrote about in 1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands, dwell with [your wives] according to knowledge". The word "knowledge" comes from a Greek word meaning "science". A woman is a science to be studied and discovered, but so few men are coached or mentored into loving women as they need to be loved. We see in Ephesians that Paul's great commandment to men is to love them as much as Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). Talk about sacrificial love!

A Bozo will love a woman in whatever way he feels is best-in whatever way serves him, not her. A Boaz will love a woman in a way that shows his feelings-and persistence in meeting a woman's needs is one way he does this.

--He is a Prepared Partner
--Boaz was attuned to the heart and needs of the woman in his life. A prepared partner is always willing to attend to another's needs. We've seen that Boaz was responsive to Ruth's vulnerability both emotionally and physically. A Boaz expresses and acts on his compassion for others. A Bozo, on the other hand, focuses on himself. He may briefly pity someone in his life, but he doesn't actually do much to help her.

Boaz was a student of Ruth's heart in that he quickly ascertained her needs, quickly promised to take care of them, and quickly did! He protected her from harm, he soothed her fears, and he completed the legal legwork to marry her--all in a very short time! A lesser man would have taken no notice of this foreigner, wouldn't have thought about her safety, would have refused the hassle of taking on Ruth and her mother-in-law, and would have left the women to fend for themselves.

A Boaz of a guy speaks and acts in ways that heal a wounded woman, treating her like a princess even if she doesn't see herself as one.

--He is a Fighter of Battles
--Boaz was an overcomer. He was never one to shrink away from a challenge or let others do the fighting for him. We see this in the fact that he is wealthy. He had fought business battles to become successful. Second, he was single. In a marriage-oriented culture that considered sons as riches, he could have married any young woman. But he chose to remain single until the right woman came along. He fought the battles of loneliness and cultural pressure.

You and I have a heavenly Father who has set the standard so high through the biblical precedent of Boaz that we don't have to settle for men who can't, by faith, conquer the city of the enemy--whether it is the enemy of sexual temptation, greed or entitlement.

The battles a man wins before marriage are a forecast of the victories he will achieve after marriage.

What a man conquers before he is even married becomes a frame for future victory. Don't settle for a man who is not fighting the good fight of faith. The skirmishes he faces as a single man are only preparing him for the major wars that are ahead. A Bozo runs from conflict and battle. A Boaz faces and conquers it.

Jesus died on the cross to conquer sin and death for the sake of his bride (those who are His followers). Don't settle for a guy who isn't willing to boldly conquer the enemy in order to win the privilege of sharing this journey on this earth with you.

just when my striving heart ceased to protest before the throne of God

the things i hold close to my heart, the things i believe God is leading me to, the things i desire, God often puts a season of extended waiting before allowing them to come to pass. It's a discernible pattern, to purify my heart as I seek what is truly the good, perfect and pleasing will of God. The confirmation of the Yale trip in 2006, the final job interview date - both came weeks after the stipulated deadline, just when my striving heart ceased to protest before the throne of God. And then, He opens the floodgates of blessings and I'm just incredulous at His provision. It's too early to say what the outcome will be, but how precious and deep the period of waiting and refining. Very thankful that God knows me inside out to know how long i can bear to wait and how long it takes me to surrender my willfulness and pride in every situation and petition.

May I ever be alive and yet thirsty for His goodness.

reflections.

it's been a long long time since i blogged, for i left my thoughts and reflections in my personal journal addressed to God. it has been a honest time of daily reflection, prayer and communion with the One who created me, the One who loves me more than I can ever love myself, or anyone else, for that matter. It's a dark and uncertain time for me, but not of fear, just of wanting to be alone, sans thoughts and sans plans for the future. When i first learnt that one of my job applications fell through, i was stunned. Until now, it haunts me a little to realise that no, I am not invincible. My interview strategy of being authentic needs a little more preparation and reflection about what i truly want in life, and where I can be a best, of at least, good fit. I feel I've been ushered underneath a spotlight, for the audience of One and as i stand before Him, He remains slient, waiting for me to discover my limbs, that i might finally dance in joy.

I know He's watching over me, I know I'm in good hands, but it's still a tad daunting to not know whether the moment of revelation and discovery is coming, or whether i should hold my breathe and wait still longer and not get my hopes too high just as yet. the process of waiting feels indeed like the process of dying. where slowly I find my assumptions and confidence ebb away as God slowly fills it up with His promises and gentle proddings. Although for now, I feel the ebbing more acutely. I can feel the death of the assurance of a stable and secure career, the death of a love prospect steeped in true friendship, the death of being the cream of the crop. Yet there is the constant reminder that it is only when a seed falls to the ground and dies, that the possibility of it bearing fruit will come.

treading the line between dying to self and giving up.

spiritual friendship

What is spiritual friendship?

It is friendship that is rooted in Christ, for the purpose of growing in Christ.

The basis of spiritual friendship is a shared relationship with Jesus Christ.

The purpose of spiritual friendship is a common commitment to help one another grow in Christlikeness.

"Every friendship is formed around shared goods that identify the friendship and help the friends understand the life and purpose of the friendship. In spiritual friendship the principal good is a mutual love for Christ and a desire to grow together in Christ. This is what distinguishes spiritual friendship from other relationships. In spiritual friendships the friends are centred in Christ, they seek Christ, and they strive to live according to Christ. Through their friendship they want to help one another live a godly and holy life. They want each other to be resplendent in goodness." (Paul J. Wadell)

my protector

alot transpired between me and God over the long weekend. So much, so emotional, so deep, that I sense my own spurt of growth in those brief moments of realization that God broke me and revealed some of those hidden layers underneath the calm surface. How my attraction yet immense uneasiness around powerful and handsome men had to do with my hurts and pains in the family, my struggle to be attracted to people less than that, my own laws of living i had erected to protect myself against imagined threats and karmas. it's amazing how there's so much still, to learn about myself when i thought i had mastered the trades of psychology in my teens through wide research and prolonged introspection. Only God Himself has the unobstructed view of my soul and the amazing thing is, He loves me with all my ugliness and sins, when i myself am unable to. I felt cleaner inside-out after basking in the presence of God.

I love having my head patted and hair ruffled protectively and affectionately. But much more important is a life surrendered to God isn't it. All these other gestures are heartwarming but none as warm as seeing a man's life broken and restored by my Father in heaven. That's what God meant when He said not to stir up or awaken love until it so desires i guess. i believe that God had touched him at some point, but he has chosen to drift for abit. My prayer is that he will soon return to that point where he left God. I am sure he will find God waiting patiently there.

I had some deep talks with some brothers and sisters, overheard some conversations, did some reflection. suffice to say that one realization is that criteria lists that girls reveal about their ideal partners have a huge impact on brothers in Christ and that might be stumbling for their faith. I think the reverse situation is also true. One sister said she would like her man to connect and communicate with her, decently smart, bonus if he had kind eyes ( all of it sounds painfully familiar to my own list no doubt) but the brother who was in conversation with her later confided in me his low self esteem as he felt he had to match up to some ideal list he felt he could never fufil. it seemed to have caused him a fair amount of frustration over the years and in his relations with girls he liked.

I then asked myself if all the criteria i listed were essential. till i realize, no. just a life broken and surrendered to the Lord is all that's essential. God will lead him to be all that he should be, my lover and protector, whoever it might end up being.

family.

NUS NAV is family. Bernard prayed a birthday blessing for Peter on Gala Dinner night and he said these words in his prayer (I paraphrase), “people always say that blood is thicker than water, but the spirit, the bonds that we share in Christ, is for all eternity”. It is in much agreement with this declaration that I participated in the NUS NAV Family Conference from 5-8 Dec 2008. I thank God constantly, for placing me in the NAV family for the past 3.5 years (and counting!). NUS NAV is family to me in a very literal sense; having received Christ 2 weeks before the start of university, NAV was where I learnt to utter my first prayer (with clumsy words of course), where I first learnt to do a bible study, where I first learnt to memorize Scripture, where I first understood the meaning of “fellowship” as more than food and fun, where I came to realize that a simple question posed like “how are you doing” is less of a nicety, but more of a sincere enquiry of my well being. For others in the ministry, NAV might not have been the first place where they took baby steps towards God, but I believe this is the place all of us found a genuine spiritual family that was not ridden with cliques and factions; rather, one where sinful but redeemed people came together in love and acceptance, despite our own struggles and brokenness.

Peter shared on the second day of the conference on ICEBERGS. Each of us, whether Christian or not, carry with us baggage; icebergs that look innocuous and presentable enough, but underneath the surface lurks layers and layers of unresolved issues, fears, pain, insecurities. Other people can only relate to us and see whatever little that surfaces. These different hidden layers underneath the water surface have resulted in modes of thinking and behavior that might not be conducive for our lives and relationships but we bring them with us wherever we go because they are pretty much a part of us. But God cares about our suppressed layers and is interested to help us break those layers to grant us true freedom in Christ. If only we are willing to be vulnerable and prepared for the brokenness that has to come before fruitfulness. In a loving community where God is the only reason we call each other “brother” or “sister”, I was allowed the space to make mistakes, to break down and share my deepest struggles, to grow closer to a loving God, to learn to pray and intercede instead of despair, to know my brothers and sisters as spiritual siblings and not just hi-bye acquaintances. There was discomfort, pain and tears in the breaking and molding, but much joy, love and peace in the restoring thereafter. God does not break us only once in our walk with Him however. The process was possible and bearable each time, only because I had family to see me through.

I really appreciate how the graduates came back to participate fully in this Family Conference; their mere presence communicated to me that this spiritual family is for eternity and all “barriers” to communication (age, gender, nationality etc) are imagined. It doesn’t matter if I was a year 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 etc. We are all related to a loving Father, redeemed by the blood of Christ, led by the Holy Spirit. Through their input and sharing, I gained new perspectives on who God is and what a community is. My ties in NAV are not going to expire after I graduated from the 4 years I spend in university. The prayers we utter for each other and the praise we give God in unison will ring for all eternity before the throne of God. The one definite commitment that I am making to God after this Family Conference is to continue to be part of this big family. (Hebrews 10:24-25)

But of course, NAV is not a perfect family, just as how our own natural families have their quibbles and difficulties. There might still be people in the ministry who feel that they are but outsiders looking in, who believe that their ICEBERGS are too shameful to be surfaced or that they cannot “click” with the family. There are still times when I feel like an outsider and struggle with meeting up with others or even coming for camps and retreats. But God has placed us here in this family for good reason. That in the occasional collision of icebergs manifested through conflicts with brothers and sisters, God can chisel away at the massive ice layers we each carry. That when God does deal with the hidden layers we are not alone, that we can pray for one another and allow others to pray for us. I’ve come to realize that people can only show me their love for me to the extent that I allow them to, and I can sense acceptance only to the extent that I am willing to be open and vulnerable with the spiritual family I have been placed in. We are a Grace Community because we learn to give grace to others, just as how God gave us (and is still giving) His grace, where we learn to receive grace from others so that we might receive grace from God, where we learn to trust others, that we might trust God. This commitment to community is more than warm feelings, but a conviction. I believe that what eventually emerges from God’s chiseling would be sparkling GEMS, the most perfect cut that God had in mind when He created each of us. It is my sincere prayer that God will continue to strengthen the ties in this loving spiritual family, that lives would be transformed and be set free in Christ, that we will continue to grow together to love as Christ did. (John 15:17)

Don't Judge on Appearances - By Cliff Young

The average man's judgment is so poor; he runs a risk every time he uses it.
-- Edgar Watson Howe, American Editor

Have you judged a person not worthy to get to know or start a relationship with?

Have you judged yourself as not good enough for something or somebody?

Have you judged a situation to be insurmountable with no hope of change?

We tend to make these determinations because we base our conclusion about others, ourselves, and our situation on superficial information and perception rather than on knowledge and discernment. We see the same every night on television reality shows, political commentaries, and even sports reports. Judgment is made by the way things appear instead of with accurate information and understanding.

Stop judging by the way things look (mere appearance), and make a right judgment (John 7:24).

Others

Have you ever labeled someone in your mind as a result of a first impression? I catch myself making assumptions or passing judgment (positively and negatively) on people based upon their affiliations, the way they look, what their profession is or where they may live. I know this isn't what God wants me to do, nor do I consciously set out to make such judgments, yet I inherently fall short.

God did not create the division, denominations, or political parties separating us today. We have. As a result, we use these dividing lines to categorize and make assumptions instead of getting to know others for who they really are. When we label people, we put them into a "box." This limits our thinking, how we care about others, how we treat people, and how we share God's love.

When a Samaritan woman came to draw water, Jesus said to her, "Will you give me a drink?"....The Samaritan woman said to him, "You are a Jew and I am a Samaritan woman. How can you ask me for a drink?" (For Jews do not associate with Samaritans) (John 4:7, 9).

Regardless of appearance, background, heritage, gender and even tradition--Jesus initiated a conversation with the Samaritan woman accepting her for who she was and to offer her eternal life.

If we are striving to live a life that is Spirit-filled and more like Jesus, we should make every effort to interact with people in the same way Jesus did, with compassion, forgiveness, grace, mercy and love.

Don't judge others solely on appearance. Take the time to get to know a person's heart and their character. You are the one who might be changed.

Ourselves

Have you ever looked into the mirror and felt discouraged? Do you compare your talents, abilities, and possessions to others and feel you were overlooked by God in some ways? I fall into this trap and often ask myself, "Why do I evaluate myself through the eyes of society and media rather than through the eyes of Jesus?!"

The world's opinion is temporal. We rarely keep up with the latest hairstyle, fashion, cars or gadgets for a season, let alone throughout our lives. However, if we have a Kingdom perspective, we will begin to accept ourselves for who we are, a child of God. We can then appreciate our differences and embrace the individual journey God has for each of us.

God doesn't think of us as ordinary, common, or unremarkable. He sees beautiful, extraordinary, valuable creations formed with His hands and exactly the way He designed.

So God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27).

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight (1 Peter 3:3-4).

The Pharisees were some of the most pride-filled, judgmental individuals of their time. Adorned in their robes and embellishments, they would stride through the temple courts thinking highly of themselves while looking down upon others. Though they may have been emulated by some because of their outward appearance, their hearts were hardened and their focus was on themselves rather than on God.

They (Pharisees) don't practice what they teach....Everything they do is for show....They enjoy the attention they get on the streets (Matthew 23:3, 5, 7).

Don't scrutinize over yourself based upon ever-changing guidelines set by the world's standards. Praise God for the uniqueness in which He created you.

Our Situation

It's easy to feel pessimistic at how the state of our country, our family (or lack of) and our life appears. We wake up each day to the uncertainties of national security, high taxes, gas prices, job security, debt and the stock market. We can choose to approach our circumstances by complaining, blaming others, doing nothing, and hoping for a change, or we can seek ways to alter it.

Paul shares his secret of how to deal with every situation.

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:12-13).

He tells us we can do (by taking action) everything (having no limits) through Him (through God) who gives us strength (with the ability to accomplish it). I truly believe this.

I have asked Jesus to be the Lord of my life. Yet, when I worry about and evaluate situations based on how they may appear (taking too long, going a different direction, no foreseeable solution, etc.), I do not demonstrate my trust in Him. Asking ourselves, "Have I completely given 'it' (job, relationships, family, finances, etc.) to Him?" will continue to mature us in Christ.

Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding (nor how it may look) (Proverbs 3:5).

Lift up your specific concern to the Lord and ask Him to show you the direction and action to take. Be patient and prayerful--the answer may be "yes," "no," or "not yet."

I have discovered that basing my judgment and conclusions on how people and situations appear is often flawed as a result of my own restricted vision. It reminds me of the time I began watching a 3-D animated movie without 3-D specific glasses. Even though I could see the picture, it was blurred and distorted. With the appropriate lenses, however, the whole screen came alive with color, depth and clarity.

I often struggle seeing how God is using me or those around me. It may be difficult comprehending how my current situation will help me grow or where it may lead. However, if I continually look at my life and my surroundings through Jesus' eyes and perspective, I will see myself, others and my situation with love, joy, peace and patience.

May you be blessed for your good judgment... (1 Samuel 25:33).

the quintessential truth

it was a strange day that i had. affirming and hopefully, yet puzzling. As i shared with her my bgr (or lackthereof) fears, she said with much kindness that i must surely know that i am attractive and have many suitors. quizzically, i studied her gentle face for signs of truth as she uttered those words, but promptly i shut my eyes and shook my head, as if trying to remove the tangible weight of her words from my ears. how can it be if i don't notice it at all? yet i know this wise woman of the Lord will not lie to me.

i did not dare to probe further what or who she meant in those words of affirmation. as i went on my business in school and finally had solitary time on the bus journey back, i reflected on what we shared and decided in my heart that i had done right by letting that comment slip. if i hadn't noticed anyone my way, it must be that we're not ready or that those people weren't God's choice for me. He, in His infinite wisdom, had veiled my eyes and guarded my heart with a fierce tenacity. i have in my mind a much zealous and jealous Father who knows what's best for me, which is very comforting. the little piece of quintessential truth i had not probed, and yet it brought me a tiny glimmer of hope.

of oscillation and equilibrium

i've come to understand that we all oscillate, in the breeze of our fears and our doubts. It takes more for some to forgive their own waverings, but we can all take solace in the fact that we're always connected to the pendulum that will never let us go, a force that counters gravity on our behalf and gives us a true security in this ride. we can swing to extremes but there is always a place of equilibrium to return to.

i've come to experience prayer as a lifeline, especially in those painful and dark moments of silence. or so it seems. sometimes, it's not the silence but the deafening voice of self doubt and fear that drowns out rationality and spirituality. i pray to God without immediate relief, and can only summon enough remnants of faith to remember to will myself to hold on to the glimmer of belief that the prayer is heard and i am in good hands. No overwhelming sense of peace flood me, but the voices subside and i can finally sleep in that true silence. i awake with a renewed sense of purpose and hope the following day and watch in thankfulness as life unfolds to present me with gifts and little blessings that make my day. And then i know for sure that God had heard and prayer is the very very essential thing to hold on to in the midst of the tempest, no matter how tempting it is to let go of all hope of life in the choppy waters.

i've come to believe that honesty to who i am is not vulnerable. i fight the urge to put on makeup when i'm feeling insecure and scared. and i sense that authenticity is my strongest shield and fortress against self-doubt. and i transcend the meagre worries and insecurites and come to see that i have much more to offer to this world than a mask.

i've come to hope that the one i would love possess 5 core qualities. All these i see in different people who have crossed my path and i believe that he exists as an entity, not a list floating around in the recesses of my mind. One, a love and fear of God. Love to keep him close to God and Fear to keep him from wandering too far. Two, a tongue of affirmation and kind words to edify all those around him. Three, an individual to connect with me spiritually, intellectually, emotionally. Four, a man of inner and outer strength. Five, a level of comfort with him that allows for me to be who i am and knowing that i am still loved.

i've come to realise that i CAN ask for all these things, because God refined this list for me. i ask in unabashed boldness, not unlike a child asking a parent for guidance. it takes honesty to one's own heart, honesty to face God's heart, honesty to even dare to articulate this honesty.

perhaps perhaps perhaps

been feeling paradoxically deeply empty, as if i had voluntarily ebbed away my youth sitting around feeling empty on weekends and doing nothing active about it. the worst part of it isn't the emptiness, but the looming belief that i'd chosen wrongly to cut people, dreams, activities and things away from my life. i wish to think that they were right choices; a honing of academic skills, an enrichment of my inner life, a guarding of time and energy, an investment towards my calling into the future but all signs point to a lack. a lack of activity now that fulfills my emotional and social needs.

if i had been more rebellious i'd have packed my bags and left home to see the world when i was 18. Perhaps if i had done that i'd have a deeper understanding of what it means to choose and to live.

if i had been more directed i'd have left my studies to pursue my inclination towards music and the arts. Perhaps i'd have met people who inspired me to create works of beauty that transcended the mundane.

if i were a more determined person i'd have mastered all the skills i've learnt but never acquired. Perhaps i'd have done something useful with my time and daydreaming.

if i were a less contradictory person i'd just follow my heart instead of sit down and hear the heated exchange between my mind and my heart; with the moralising mind admonishing the weak-willed whimpers of my heart. Perhaps i'd have had seen more of the world and forged a path for myself.

but i had done none of that. i am me and that's no me in that parallel universe of "Perhaps".

i can't see God in the picture but i know He's there somewhere, leading me down this path. I just wish that I could see what He sees. because from my vantage point, it does seem that i've wasted much of my youth and killed too many premature dreams.

i'd always thought the most unrealised and unfulfilled the people in the world are those who don't know where they're going and why they're living when they're 50. the wanderers and the bummers, the people who drift along life with no apparent purpose or destination. then stories entered my life and it seemed that they were perhaps the people who are the true romantics who defied the dictates of a tyrannical "society". by and by i learnt that 'conventions' and 'doing the right thing' by going through school, meeting a passable someone and dating and getting married and have kids and grow old, losing one's looks and security and love in marriage is downright sad and 'brainwashed' way of living life. i was truly depressed with the lack of meaning in my life then and with the meaningless existence i was convinced i had to follow. i was more than convinced that i was trapped in a body and a life that was designed to constrict and suffocate me.

i then met God. it seemed to me then that He showed me that life was much more than the drab existence i was doomed for. i experienced a glimmer of hope in the word Salvation. it was a word i never knew and a concept even more remote. it's been coming close to 3 years, this life of Salvation i've been living. And i have readjusted my outlook on life, grappling with the Christian faith and Christian conception of life purpose and marriage. i gained much hope, i was putting on the new self that i found in Christ. it seemed to me that i was created for happiness, purposefulness, godliness and LIFE to the full. but these months, i am starting to fear once again. i fear that my transformation in Christ had been regressing, for i confront a familiar past packed with deadening emptiness and disconcerting anxiety that time is slipping away and i am being sedated into a living-dead status.

whatever is happening to me? did i do something wrong?

broken cisterns.

it hit me that the first impression God gave me when i first stepped into His House 2 years ago that i could freely drink from the river that flows before His throne. it hit me today when i was listening to a random evangelical sermon podcast that I am collecting water in broken cisterns in a dry and thirsty land when God says to seek His unending river.

"My people have committed 2 sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water."

Jeremiah 2:13.

I feel my own desperation in collecting remnants of mirages of oasis in broken glassware very much recently. As if seized by an unknown, looming fear, i could not smile as readily, walked as reassuringly, talked as openly about my struggles. I need to repair some shameful brokenness and i have to weld the brokenness with much meticulousness to mask that hysterical fear of being abandoned to fend for myself. an irrational dread pervades. I tried telling myself that this too would pass, but my parched tongue constantly torments me that i am in need of refreshing water. i am very much afraid of being left behind as people around me move on to find their loves. how juvenile huh. but I really need to believe that I am not wasting away.

Godsend.

Greetings to you from South Asian Connection. Words are powerful. Words have the power of life and death. Never underestimate the power of your words. With one small word, you can change a person’s life for better or for worse. The Bible says, “The tongu e has the power of life and death, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit or consequences of it - either for death or life. Proverbs 18:21.

Words have authority and can become a self-fulfilling prophecy over a person’s life. The word power used in the context of Proverbs 18:21 is a Hebrew word ‘yad’ with a word picture meaning of a physica l hand, to deliver something into someone’s hands. It is to delegate authority by what you speak and say.

Stop delegating authority through cutting poi sonous words from the pit of hell - words of death, bitterness and condemnation. With our negative words, we bind people. With our words of condemnation, we put people into emotional and psychological prisons, scarring them for life. With our words of death, we kil l people’s spirit.

Start today and decide right now to speak life giving words at all times. Positive life giving words take a life of its own in the soul of a person. The revelational word of God has got creative power to breathe life, to build and to edify. Speak life giving words of the Holy Spirit. Speak life giving words into your situation and into the lives of others. Speak hope. Speak confidence. Speak encouragement. Speak inspiration. Speak with boldness. Speak the truth.

Words can be your salvation. Words can also be your damnation. Our words and actions are powerful beyond our comprehension. Words can kil l, words can give life. They're either poiso n or fruit—you choose.

Watch your thoughts; they become your words.
Watch your words; they become your actions.
Watch your actions; they become your habits.
Watch your habits; they become your character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

Make the most of every opportunit y. Be gracious in your speech. The goa l is to bring out the best in others in a conversation, not to put them down or cut them out. Let your conversation be always full of grace seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. We are called to inherit a blessing. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

I am responsible for what I say. You are responsible for what you say. God holds us responsible for what we say. There will be a time of reckoning when every one of these careless words is going to come back to haunt you and me unless there is forgiveness, true repentance and healing reconciliation.

I learnt alot about the power of the tongue through the traumatic few weeks, even if my hope to silence another's doesn't seem to have worked at all. I think for the time being, i made my stand very clear and that's good enough. I have come to realize that as a Christian, i sometimes have to stand alone, in order to stand up for what i believe in. I don't hope to convince the world that what i believe is superior or better, because it's not up to me to prove whether my beliefs stand or fall, but I do it because they are my beliefs and i appeal to another to respect them, because they have no right over my life to trample upon them like they're not worth a thing in the world. They might not matter to you but I have the right to hang on to mine and request that you steer clear of invading on my personal space to worship a God i believe in. I'm very tired to hear of everything as having a "utilitarian value" in the here and now. shortsightedness might be your state of existence but i appreciate my eternal vision very much.

rest in God alone.

August 20, 2008

Christ-Awareness

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. . . and I will give you rest —Matthew 11:28

Whenever anything begins to disintegrate your life with Jesus Christ, turn to Him at once, asking Him to re-establish your rest. Never allow anything to remain in your life that is causing the unrest. Think of every detail of your life that is causing the disintegration as something to fight against, not as something you should allow to remain. Ask the Lord to put awareness of Himself in you, and your self-awareness will disappear. Then He will be your all in all. Beware of allowing your self-awareness to continue, because slowly but surely it will awaken self-pity, and self-pity is satanic. Don’t allow yourself to say, "Well, they have just misunderstood me, and this is something over which they should be apologizing to me; I’m sure I must have this cleared up with them already." Learn to leave others alone regarding this. Simply ask the Lord to give you Christ-awareness, and He will steady you until your completeness in Him is absolute.

A complete life is the life of a child. When I am fully conscious of my awareness of Christ, there is something wrong. It is the sick person who really knows what health is. A child of God is not aware of the will of God because he is the will of God. When we have deviated even slightly from the will of God, we begin to ask, "Lord, what is your will?" A child of God never prays to be made aware of the fact that God answers prayer, because he is so restfully certain that God always answers prayer.

If we try to overcome our self-awareness through any of our own commonsense methods, we will only serve to strengthen our self-awareness tremendously. Jesus says, "Come to Me . . . and I will give you rest," that is, Christ-awareness will take the place of self-awareness. Wherever Jesus comes He establishes rest— the rest of the completion of activity in our lives that is never aware of itself.

God says to me, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

my loving God.

what a glorious day the Lord has made. Rhetoric class was absolutely awesome.. and we talked alot about the bible and God and Christianity and Rhetoric. It amazes me how people are interested in my God, a God who loves everyone in a special way, a God whose love cannot increase or decrease by what we do or do not do. I'm absolutely loved, and i love God :)

This is the season of learning to balance on the beam with extra weight on my shoulders. More readings, more work, higher expectations, "enhanced" word counts in essays, more people to connect with and meet and investing in. To love people with the love of Christ, to spend time with them. I sense such a desire in me heart to invest my time and energy in the incoming batch of year1s in Navigators. I know for sure that they are the "new generation" God spoke to us of. I remember how at Matric training night Sup opened a time of listening prayer for what God is doing in NUS and both Ivy and I heard "Raise up a new generation" word for word. Such a powerful confirmation of the Lord's word. I am seeking the Lord about leading the new year 1 group.. I seek to do what He portions for me :)

Things get a little complicated as i sense a need to build a safety hedge around me and the new additions, esp with the brothers. To create that "safe" environment to love one and another as brothers and sisters in Christ. Jer thinks one of the freshmen is giving me extra attention and i somehow get "the vibes" as well. It's a delicate act of balance once again, between extending love and concern to "checking each other out". I thank God for a community within which i know i don't have to prove myself.. and I pray that i will play my part to preserve this loving community.

the weight of sin.

the heaviness of sin weighs heavily upon my heart, and no doubt, it's the weight of the tears of the Holy Spirit within me although it is not my sin i bear. yet what a resemblance to the sinfulness that resides in my flesh, my common heritage from Adam and Eve. Sin is imbued in our DNA, each and every one of us. And when sin becomes so real, either committed or witnessed; it is so inescapable that sin grieves God because of His Spirit in me. And i realize that my values have been changed permanently and there is no way i can indulge in certain things or see sufferings that arise from our sinful and broken world without that righteous yet loving grief in my heart.

The first sin that the Lord confronted me in my walk with Him was a lie i told, a white lie that the world would call, but the Lord pressed His thumb upon me and i felt the sin causing my bones to waste away and my heart to melt away. For the first time, i cried because it was so clear to me how a little lie says so much about the evilness of my heart and how little i loved my dear friend. I cried out as David did in Psalm 32.

The sinfulness of my heart was again revealed when i found myself recoiling from loving a brother because i sensed he loved me with more than the love of a brother. Ostensibly not to stumble myself or him, it was really the discomfort in my heart i wanted to avoid. My sin was the judgement and rejection i allowed into my heart due to pride. yes, pride. My cardinal sin.

A sexual sin can cause so much heartache to a couple when they break up and tear apart their souls, but it can also hurt those relationships that come after. it isn't fair, it isn't kind, because sin is evil in itself. i see her wipe her tears when she's watching the telly, i think of the disappointment and anger she must feel and it just pains my heart. this world system allows, encourages, facilitates, celebrate fornication and every kind of "sexual freedom"; but fornication is a blatant flageration of God's command to His children, a gratification of the self and flesh that can hurt other people in one's life and hurt God's heart. I feel so grieved for this young couple, yet i see God working to answer my prayer that something might happen to draw each of them closer to God. if this is Your way of drawing them to Your unfailing love, Lord i pray that Your hand of protection will be there to guide these 2 young hearts and souls.

retreat with the lover of my soul.

what we do for Navigators' retreat is all 13 odd of us sitting in the conference room, practicing listening prayer as we deliberate over what God is telling us about the past sem and the direction for the coming semester. And God never fails to meet us and He always speaks the same to all in different ways and when we share, faith arises and we are sure of God's leading. To many who haven't gone through the rigour, it may all seem a little mystical, but for me, each retreat/Nav camp is an oasis in the desert that refreshes my soul as i get connected to God to hear His prayer for His people, especially those in NUS. I'm very excited and moved at how God has revealed to us His plan for the Nav community and NUS. Especially when I shared what God has been speaking to me about prayer, it resonated with the rest and we all had agreement in the spirit. We meditated on Isaiah 41,43, 58, of which God also said Isaiah 43 is for Therie dearie as she starts her internship :) (hope first day of work went well! -waves-)

God spoke with regards to sending rivers and living waters in the desert, sun-scorched place. It was both for my personal journey, as well as for campus revival in NUS. it's all wondrous, but not crystal clear yet, just an inkling of how the journey will be like.

suffice to say that i am understanding what it means to love, and love which i thought had died has died only to be resurrected in a new form. I was perplexed, but God said to forget the former, for He is doing a new thing, do i not perceive it?

the stubborn old tree.

the tree shall stop telling the gardener that the pruning hurts the branches too much and stop screaming and kicking for the pain to go away because the whole point of pruning is to make the tree more fruitful. life goes on with that kinda pain even if it really really hurts alot and no one else knows how much. and life, will go on much better after the old branches finally die and new branches and hope take their place. The weight of the pain can better anchor the roots, nourish the leaves and give a newfound courage to the complacent tree. it will all be fine. No need to scream, no need to wave the remaining branches flagrantly for the gardener to watch out lest he cuts the wrong branches. seriously, he knows better. who are you, o tree, to advise the gardener?