Despite the little faith that is in me, i've come to recognize that i have a genuine fear of marriage. I cannot bring myself to say that I'm ready for marriage blah. Although there are alot of Christians who believe that dating HAS to lead to marriage, and say easily that they're ready and just waiting to meet the right person, to me, the barrier to dating is huge enough to block out the view of the larger barricade of even considering marriage down the road. That kind of internal struggle to even acknowledge my liking towards any guy is epic; let alone to say i can love. it seems that i've still quite some way to go before i can take even a dating relationship lightly and with carefree ease.
A dear Nav sister has already been chronically depressed over BGR woes for a year plus now. Her best years in university are being wasted away as she is unable to let go and let God. Swinging over to the other spectrum are friends in relationships who are so inward-looking and absorbed with one another that we're drifting apart. Dad doesn't talk at all at home now and he's starting to be like a stranger to me. Mum doesn't talk about it but i cannot even begin to imagine the kind of alienation she must be feeling. Isn't this an absolutely frightening sequence of events? To be depressed over your singlehood -> Shut out the rest of the world when you're attached -> then live out the belief that you're trapped in a loveless marriage. It's utterly disconcerting. Granted, not all relationships are this dismal or take such a progression, but the possibility of it is scary.
I'm so tired of seeing all these negative relationships. God show me Your goodness manifested in relationships. A swinging Christian single loving, fearing, serving you. A Christian dating couple loving, fearing, serving you. A Christian married couple loving, fearing, serving you. All joyously and completely devoted to You.