a pervasive fear of drifting, never able to find all that is right, never finding an anchor point to set my roots deep in. the word i fear most is
compromise, because i do it so instinctively day-to-day. always willing to settle for less, always willing to give others the benefit of doubt, always willing to sya "it's ok, i'll settle it", always preparing for the burial of a new ideal, always willing to let a new resolve slip because it takes effort to maintain. The greatest fear is that it becomes a habitual character flaw to compromise and make do with, because of fear of disequilibrium, fear of loneliness, fear of delayed gratification which might not come. the schizophrenia persists daily, between the opposite personas of the compromiser and perfectionist. It is a catch 22 situation when there is no satisfaction, no perfect equlibrium, a state of pendulating.
i really need you to be stronger than me in every way.
i really need you to be steadfast and constant, even as i permutate.
i really need you to be the anchor, even as i hesitate.
i really need you to exist...
my blue shadow.