the grass is not greener.

My current favourite text is The Constitution of Liberty by Friedrich Hayek. He's a lucid and matter-of-fact thinker with amazing writing. But i'm mentioning him because i'm borrowing an interesting term that he uses in explaining how inequality breeds progress. It's only when people are unequal that the more well-endowed is free to have experiments in living, which will lead to civilization's progress. because of him, my young idealist socialist tendencies have waned a little. i think it's a good thing to adjust one's beliefs once in a while when one knows so little. the beauty of being a green horn in life. but i've to move on to the meat of this post, which is far more trivial and interesting.

A thought that left an imprint on me a couple of years ago was during my time in City Harvest, when this male friend, in explaining the phenomena of a pretty cell group leader bring hordes to church each week, gracefully said, "U know why? It's because no one would mind a pretty friend." Whether or not you are a believer you would agree to going to church because you have eyes on a certain someone is a little dishonourable. But of course it's not a sin and God does miracles even with wrong motives of the heart. I started off with mixed motives myself. But the point is not in the churchgoing phenomena or religion, but it is that the very matter-of-fact statement has deep social meanings embedded in it. being the overlooked, prideful, imperfect, envy harbouring, insecure female that i was (and still am), i was of course a little offended by this little fact of life.

A few years of pondering and experiments in living, I've come to the (i hope, humble) conclusion that i have perhaps managed to take a peek at the other side of the field and it's not that greener. In fact, it has a lot less vitality and pure vibrancy with all that pollutants in the air. This semester especially has been a slight change for my shell, pulling off a little more glamour and glitter just for a change. And I have noticed slight differences in how people treat me. Look deeper, they are not slight differences, but more accurately, superficial differences. A different group of people take the initiative to talk and posture to make an impression. I'm simultaneously taken more seriously and more frivolously. (well, usually frivolously until i open my mouth to prove that i am not an airhead.) I am now utterly convinced that i will never be impressed with a male hunky (usually superficial of course) airhead in the long run. In many ways i'm still vulnerable to being taken in at the onset by beauty but give me a few weeks (okay, sometimes months) when the character shines through, there's no way to hide and God shows me how empty the way of the world is.

I know this sounds like i'm enlisting into a nunnery of some sort. But you know what i mean. Everyone has met eye candy material who turns out to be that and nothing else. Candy that does not satisfy true hunger. I saw the look RL Boy exchanged with his male friend and i knew it was some immature male ego thing going on. I'm half reminding myself not to be offended by this act of female objectification but it's still not a comfortable thought.

If nothing else, this experiment of living has shown me the value of depth. and it truly weighs heavier than fluff.