people-pleaser

Years of people-pleasing have caused me to not know how to damn-what-they-might-think so as to navigate my own existence and happiness. damn. i can only bemoan my lack of guts here in the solace of my writing. damn. at least now i feel bold enough to say the "damn" prayer and allow myself some exhibited angst once in a while. and to allow myself to feel angry and let down.

day three of my break -and irritated at the unpredictable moods and weather i have to deal with in my boredom. actually, the weather's okay; i just have to shake the bad habit of trying to please her all the time and making the effort to make small talk when she stares off into blank space. that blank space which she locks herself in, unreachable or unreasonable, if she decides to come back to reality once in a while. i have given up on convincing her to pursue her happiness, to stop micro-managing everyone around her, to stop following that damned militant regime she called her preferred lifestyle. how can you call it "preferred" if you've never tried a happier alternative?

i think being angry reminds me who i dont want to become, how pointless it is to try and please someone who can never be pleased.

cosmic war

The usual ghosts haunt my nights, with taunting and whispers to disturb my sleep. I've taken to reading before turning in, and a good book miraculously makes the lump in my throat and heaviness in my chest subside to an acceptable load; light enough for me to float away to sleep.

Is the friend of your enemy, your enemy too? Do we take sides simply by the acquaintances and friends we choose? I used to call it a childish game, more out of a preference to treat each human being as innocent until proven guilty (and wide margins for innocence i grant them) than utilitarian diplomacy. I avoid labelling of any sort, and would likely be a green activist or campaign blazer for Obama (or any figure who represented the abolition of biases, prejudices, dividing walls) had I be born and raised in a more liberal country like the US. Yet even in my little conservative cocoon of Southeast Asia I tried as much to nurture that in-built tolerance for bullshit and bad behaviour, in faith that everyone is capable of doing much good.

Yet the recent events of the past year have been teaching me otherwise. There were bad guys who take advantage of you as soon as they got a chance, leery men lusting over upskirts and cleavages (yours included) calling themselves your friend, well meaning people who give incredibly bad advice (and believing they are right no matter how things turn out for the worse), people who make up stories about you over tea, friends who fail terribly at being friends.  Further from my personal woes, there had been a whole host of corruption cases unearthed in the same city state - amidst glowing reports of how millionaires flock to live here and more muted and sanitized reports of how foreigners were "falling off" MBS. yeah. nothing to do with the casinos of course. the twin necessary evils were instituted to give our economy the turbo boost, so what if a few people kill themselves over losing their money? everything was crashing, it seems. 

And so i'm tired. religiosity taught me that men are born evil,with sin, into an imperfect world that was also marred. That much i still agree. Yet my belief in Man's will (and ability) to do good still burns in me, even if it's been reduced to embers. But what of that? What am I to do with those embers? I think I just need a good long rest, shutting out this world with its incessant chattering. Recharge needed.

gossip

gos·sip   /ˈgɒsəp/ Show Spelled [gos-uhp] Show IPA noun, verb, gos·siped or gos·sipped, gos·sip·ing or gos·sip·ping.


noun

1. idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others: the endless gossip about Hollywood stars.

2. light, familiar talk or writing.

3. Also, gos·sip·er, gos·sip·per. a person given to tattling or idle talk.

4. Chiefly British Dialect . a godparent.
5. Archaic . a friend, especially a woman.

murmurings, speculations, hearsay that's likely to be spiced with half truths and biases. I've always hated gossip of any sort (especially those about myself of course) and the act of gossipping. It was to me, a reflection of lack of consideration for others, as well as a lack of class. Yet it was altogether impossible to remain gossip-free, because people talk about you all the time, even if you pass away. I've a colleague who had mentioned his deceased ex-boss and his deeds at least three times in the past six months. Every time I hear him recount the same story I cringed inwardly and made a mental note of how pointless it was for me to hear stories about someone I've never and would never meet in my life. pointless. perhaps in the old old old ancient era where storytelling was the only form of entertainment and excitement to the imagination, there was some moral value. Now, it just seems like regurgitation of some textbook material in an obscure subject.yawn. 

But I cannot stop the tide of indignance rising in my chest whenever I hear some form of gossip or speculation about my personal life. Why should I respond to your query of my job status and give you fodder for teatime gossip and speculation of why, when and how? Whoever who had passed on that inkling of news to you had nothing better to do but I do. It takes all of my willpower to remain amicably silent. If I were in a more self-righteous mode I would have given you a piece of my mind about owning my privacy.

Volatility

Perhaps my emotional volatility is the bane of my existence - it leads me towards bad relationships and engagements that are non-beneficial to my growth. Need my friends more than ever.. And yet less of them stay with me as time passes. 

Savoring it all

An enchanting night at PS Cafe. The music was right, the ambience mesmerizing and the food satisfying. I chose a Sauvignon Blanc for the party and it turned out absolutely charming. I basked in the moment, being who I am and saying words that I truly meant. Narcissistic as it sounds, it feels good to be in good company, but good to know that I myself was good company as well. That is much in life to savor, and I promised myself to do just that, to savor and bask in all of it vicariously. 

Small town girl

Dissatisfied, to be a small town girl with small town preoccupations. I too, want to go see the world. To see the world, in its glorious splendor, overwhelming freedom and a horizon of possibilities..

Bring me! 

Alone

Being alone, takes some getting used to. The feeling of being my own person again always comes as a liberation movement at first, with its accompanying elation and hope. Then it settles into a dull ache, when the missing part becomes starkly empty.. The harder stage to bear is yet to come, I think. When I would finally finally know for a fact that I was indeed, alone.

Free.

Sat morning, the guerilla warfare within my heart was over. It was the end of our 1.5yrs or on-and-off tussle, the start of rediscovering myself. It was a quiet but dignified affair as I composed a msg, and concluded the battle. There was no response, but I had conveyed all that I had to. There were no blows left to exchange, and I think he knew.

Was I sad? I think not.. I had thought of relenting, give it a little more time for feelings to wane between us, but sth he said over the line the night before pretty much pushed me to make the decision I should have, more than a year ago. I had poured out my thoughts once again to him, explaining how I was stifled, adjusting to his ultra-practical perspective and life. I was dissatisfied and unhappy in the r/s. He proceeded to give me a lecture on how philosophical and idealistic I was as a person, as if they were dirty words. He urged me to stop thinking, and appreciate what I have now (pretty much referring to himself). He believed I was ungrateful for all he had done for me, and he thought he did a pretty good job. All these words said matter-of-factly and without a pause for self reflection. If most US Presidents are indeed ISTJs, he must be a George W. Bush equivalent. And obviously it pushed all the wrong buttons for an ENFP.

What? I was and still am indignant. No amount of care and concern he had showered upon me can make up for his stepping all over my self worth and dignity. He never thought much of my philosophical musings, my instinctive thought processes, my view of the world as a world of possibilities, my belief in the goodness of mankind. And it irks and frustrates me. No one who knew me well had ever thought I was weak because I feel a larger spectrum of emotions than most, no one had ever criticized my philosophical side as too impractical and naive. They might have suspected these were traits that i had to manage carefully, but none thought they were character flaws.

Was I blind? I think so. I was really moved when I shared this with mum and she told me that I am a princess; that this man was no prince and he obviously didn't deserve me. I didn't realise how i had began to doubt my self worth thru his eyes. How did I manage to stay on this r/s for more than a week? Perhaps that was the evidence that my emotions can get the better of me and I have the ability to self radicalize and hoodwink myself into believing I can be truly happy with this man. A lesson learnt. No MCP, ultra-practical man for me pls. I'm much better off being alone, and complete once again.

Cheers!

Day 2 - Operation ME Time

I sent out my resume to apply for 2 positions last night. One, a shot at international relations, the other social policy cum events management position. Both give me good vibes, but I'm keener on the first. The exposure would do me much good, if I should make the mark. Although it's not a job to impact lives more directly, I love the idea of working in a dynamic environment, engaging organizations locally and international. The thirst for politics still remains in my parched throat. Time to do some interview prep.

Day 2 of rebellion. A persistent cough plagued me for most of last night, so I took a day off. Here I am in the library, reading and loving each minute. I love me time. Saves me another day of guerilla warfare too, although that's cheating. The Enemy is good though, he hasn't contacted me at all last night and today. I think he's playing the waiting game, hoping that time would be on his side and the guerilla warrior lets her guard down to allow guilt to propel her out of the safety of the rainforest.

No way.

Guerilla warfare rule no. 1

Day 1 report (part 1):

Indifference, clear articulation of my assessment of our basic incompatibility without too much explanation or examples. I've come to realize that less is more precise - arguing on details always puts my stand at the compromising end. Just enough to state my view succinctly and honestly without the hues of emotion coloring the battle.

Like what my heart of gold friend says, remember the tactics of guerilla warfare. You're small, the enemy is big. but you're quick and agile, the enemy is huge and cumbersome. so you hide and you hide well.

The Rebellion

Day 1 of rebellion against status quo.

My sis sat me down to share her thoughts abt my r/s last night. Of all that she said, the most poignant was her advice to trust my gut feeling, the feeling that The Boy was not good enough for me and I was compromising my expectations for his affection that many other eligible men can give.

My emotional side gave a zillion excuses as usual; that we were at a comfy stage like family, our proximity would make a breakup hard to bear, I have no solid reason to breakup except the iffy feeling that I'm not gg to be happy living with this man in future. My rational side, however, agreed with her assessment that I was trapped in false sense of security and emotional closeness precisely of our proximity and daily efforts to maintain that proximity whenever we're apart.

Hence births the plan to rebel against the status quo. I keep in mind that previous mutinies were met with unresolved issues that I swallowed right back, due to that girlish desire to make my first t/s the last, befitting of a fairytale ending. And his strong argumentative personality that made my declarations sound superfluous.

So this is going to be a longer battle. One of rational calculation and intentional pursuit of true happiness. Not the way I'd prefer, but when reasoning or heart-to-heart talk fails, signals and more concrete actions over a longer term will have to relay that same message.

Bonne chance.

A new day flows and ebbs

A new day propelled me forward and yet to no place new or exciting, just like a hamster on its wheel. It does not fancy the wheel very much and on some days abhors it, but most days it contents itself with the familiar routine of engaging ITS wheel. Possessive nouns are misleading to some extent. Does the hamster posses the wheel or should this lament be about the wheel's hamster?

A new day however, brought with it another enticing proposition - a job opening that might allow me the space to talk to ppl about their aspirations.. And what HOME means to them. I've come to realise how much I need to DIALOGUE with ppl in my course of work. And the POSSIBILITY of travel and events management. Maybe I should give it a shot.

A new day also brought news that a dear friend has a new romance budding in a foreign land! Most heartwarming because I know she's the sweet sort of flower that blooms much in the bed of friendship and love. The sort who laughs and the world laughs with her, the intelligent sort who puts her talents for the welfare of humankind. A heart of gold, with much tears of empathy shed for the poor and downtrodden..she's one of those that has a special place in my heart.

Overall, a new day is a day wellspent, despite the wheel. Nuggets of gold in an endless field.

tomorrow

The sensation that the memory of living on another plane, is itself light years away from my consciousness. i try to remember that certain lightness of being, that steadfast confidence and assurance, only to find that the crux of it had disappeared, and the tangy taste of freedom seem to be forever estranged from my senses.

Whatever had happened to that simple faith that all things will turn out good without me having to fret? suddenly i find the world sitting placidly in my two hands, as if any strength wrongly executed could destroy the lump of heavy clay into a formless existence.

if only forever was only meaningful in the now. if only i had to shape things one day at a time. it would all be a very easy solution of hedonism of the mind, doing whatever my whim and fancy allowed with no long term implications. Yet i've been compelled to see into the crystal ball, to make decisions that promise many tomorrows ahead.

and i realise i can't make promises. because i'm incapable of keeping them.

the days are long and the night short.

and so i transformed the days into nights and slept through the static in my head.

I've been having such a repertoire of dreams that I suspect some of it is hallucination.

should i say, that my days have become gruesome. the silence is brutal, and the emptiness violent. gravity did its work on my soul and the corners of my mouth down-turned and forlorn. I really abhor this person I've morphed into, without hope, without personality, without a clear definition of who I am. My likes and dislikes no longer govern my preferences, my needs and wants no longer govern my decisions, my possessions and acquisitions no longer preoccupy me. I lied on the bed this morning, silently walking myself through all the things i can do, and the lacklustre of it all propelled me to sleep a little longer, 14 hours in all. it's true and apt, i've become a melancholic vegetable lost in my thoughts and hallucinations. I'm officially part of the walking dead club, those people i've always had pity on.

one thing that i have to admit, is that my sense of self had taken a hit in this entire relationship thing. it's not that I see myself lesser, God forbid. But I see myself a little lost, now that there isn't someone dragging me in one definite direction. There isn't someone to limit my decision-making liabilities to where to go for dinner, what to do for the coming weekend. There isn't someone to convince me that I was thinking too much, too far.

why am i holding on, i wonder. why can't i just move on, is the question. I think the answer should tell me where to move on to. I should be rejoicing in this new autonomy, it's just that I forgot where I was going before this. Where was I going, I'm trying to remember very hard. Who was I before this, I wonder. What preoccupied my thoughts before this?

I heard this song on the radio at the salon this morning. something about how long i'll take to get over you is how long we loved each other. there is an inkling of truth i suspect. even if the 3 months were that intense, the brutality i feel now should equate roughly to that isn't it. I give myself 3 months to get over this.

someone pinch me at the end of 3 months to check if i can feel anything.

renewal.

and so we ended. I can't fathom how some people can break up many times over a lifetime; for me, the first had better be the last. it was the feeling of someone forcibly pulling me into 2 halves, and no amount of pleading could get the pain to be dulled. the very first days of separation was extremely tough, amidst spasms of tears I could feel my heart wrenching and i couldn't help but tell myself and God that i couldn't take it. The first three days i couldn't help but cry all day long, an urgent need to get all the sadness to be purged from my body. The phone laid there on the speaker silently, no longer brimming over with i-love-you and what-are-you-doing messages. How trivial it seemed, to outsiders, yet i found myself hopelessly used to the daily sweet nothings. I wanted so much to reverse the decision and be able to have him in my life again. Yet some part of me was still rational enough to keep my weak self from crumbling to the deadly temptation of reaching out once again. I told myself that I would not drop a msg to him, at least till he was back. both of us need and deserve the space to be alone.

On Saturday night, I had a mental image of a phoenix stuck in my head; amidst a flood of fire tears, the charmed bird combusted into flames, and fell as a pile of ashes, only to emerge alive once again. renewed and alive. I saw an inkling of hope in that, that if i should be able to last it out this day, i could be alive once again the next. I woke up to a hopeful Sunday; the air was crisp and hope was as substantial as the warm sunlight on my skin. I was able to laugh and smile and hope once again. It was nothing short of a miracle.

I took 2 days off from work, to recuperate both inside and out. Decided to spend today working on photo collages for my office cubicle. there is something therapeutic about making and looking at photo collages. As i see my own smiling face alongside close friends and family over the years, i'm once again reminded of how rae-diant i once was and still can be. The realisation that i have grown and learnt and loved so much over the years, that I have so many people in my life who care, gives me alot of strength to carry on... and hope for even greater transformation.

more than a little waltzing and circling.

out of nowhere a knight appears on a white horse, declares that he has finally found the ONE he had been searching for all his life and promises to take care of the princess for the rest of her life.at this juncture the princess is SUPPOSED to be completely swept off her feet and throw caution to the winds, agree to get onto the white horse and they elope into the glorious happily-ever-after.

but of course, the princess is less than perfect, and is always torn between what OTHER people say is right, what she wants to do, and her deepest fears and insecurities. how do you know if this is the One? Is this too good to be true and there's a catch somewhere that this knight might wave goodbye when shit happens or passion cools off? she wants to throw everything into the wind, but everything ends up being flung in her face as her uncontrollable whims and fancies changes direction.

to cut the long story short, the prncess said yes, then no, yes, no and a half yes-no in the span of 2 weeks. the poor knight holds back his brimming tears with every heartbreak and healing, pulling himself together through the entire roller coaster ride. the princess is all too painfully aware that her constant yo-yoing can break the knight's heart once and for all, or to kill any spark of romance that can reside in a love story.

but she truly lacks the courage to say yes or no or even a maybe. as always, her wisdom rarely applies to her personal life, especially in the area of romance. she said wait.. but her actions and heart continue to yo-yo as the knight looks on with considerable trepidation.

does she really not know what she wants?

4 years.

4 years later, we meet at the same campus again. that distinctive handsome profile and confident stride. we're both markedly different by now, and lead markedly different lives, even if 4 years ago we were at the same crossroads. even if four years ago i thought we could be good friends if we had the chance to say hello. the hellos came and gone, the meetings and conversations over the couple of years faded into oblivion and soon we went back to leading our separate lives.

it would be more accurate to say that except for that crossroad where we both were lost, we are, by nature markedly different people. so different that i never found enough common ground to feel entirely comfortable around him. and he probably never quite understood me, since i was ever so self conscious around him.

and so, i still find it incredulous that he remains the only person that I still want so much to know, understand and befriend.

am i just a sucker for the tragic? that irrational desire. that irrational belief that he's different from all the others that i know and will ever know.

somewhere out there, beneath the pale blue sky...

my heart continues to be leaping in joy and expectation. at every turn of event, at every instance of meeting. expectations can no longer be managed, but surrendered or stalled for a fleeting moment. i'm made vulnerable by the emotions that well within, but by hanging on to hope, i am simultaneously made invincible. sometimes i think it is a precarious joy, because now and then i start thinking that it's all but a mirage. i hear a name here and there and i become a little wary. that those acts of kindness, the encouragement and support, the connections that we make, the teasing and sharing, are but non-exclusive friendly gestures. yet the most vivid image etched in my mind is us smiling carefreely at each other with a knowing look.

it's as if we could laugh and smile with the whole world, together.

updates

the thesis's going on well, with very constructive comments from the prof and much passion and love for my topic still. I find it miraculous and thank God for the perseverance I never knew I was capable of.

still mulling over a very special and enjoyable night out for a belated bday celebration earlier this week, but i'm telling my heart not to move so fast and let my brain catch up a little. If perseverance had a sequel, it would be patience. yet my heart skips a bit whenever i remember the musicality of his birthday song for me as we sat in the candlelight. I was a little self-conscious that I revealed so much about myself and did think myself a blabbermouth.. guess i'm still not quite the classy woman with few graceful words still, but the young lady still prone to bubbling over with a tad too much enthusiasm, with my words coming out faster than my brain processor. grr. his maturity in contrast, makes me seem like a teenager.

I got a job offer today, not quite what I thought I would get, but i accepted, knowing that it's where I wanna be. Mixed feelings, one of relief that there's light pointing to where i'll be going, one of disappointment that I'm not gonna be at the exact position i wanna be at. I think it's a pride issue, of thinking that I should deserve only the very best. Yet who am I kidding? I am now an undergrad with no real life experience and hey, in a couple of months i'll be a grad with no real life experience still. some of my peers are going to be benchmarked higher than me for unknown reasons but the question I ask myself is whether I believe God has His reasons for sending me where I am going and at that particular entry level. It's humbling, but even as I'm determined to prove my capability, I just want to rejoice that God has already provided for me.

jiayou.

the year of practical gifts.

My sisters bought me this hawt Panasonic EH5571 Ionity Hairdryer which is uber sleek looking to maintain my silky and shiny raven hair. Gosh it was a lovely surprise, after a threatening bout of disappointment nearly spoilt the hatchday. For the past week i was so stressed trying to think of what-i-want so friends know what to get me. But even if i knew exactly what i wanted, i'd rather buy it for myself because it spoils the meaning of recieving gifts i believe. It doesn't feel like a gift, if i actually asked you to buy it for me. aren't you supposed to read my mind? Sue me, but i love receiving the right gifts without me telling you :P In the end i told hwee and ching to just buy me a meal, and therie to get M.Card's book which i really really want.

Ling got me Smokey Eyes makeup! which i didn't even realise i want. and when i got it i was like "Bingo! So this is what was missing in my makeup kit" in my mind. yay! happiness.

JY wants to buy me cuff-links since i'm working soon and I was like "No way am i going to dress so formally for work" but who am i kidding. grrr. still, i told him to get me a simple and classy wallet (leather i hope?) instead of splurging on a set of metals that go bling-bling.

Grace gave me an amazing crystal mask among other things. Interesting beauty products i have zero immunity against.

Jiali gave me 3 sets of earrings from SIX! and I also bought myself another 3 sets of dangling ones and YET ANOTHER Bling Bling ring. I nearly bought a butterfly ring from DIVA whilst shopping with Tzing but i exercised self restraint. i have only ten fingers and almost ten rings in my collection.

After a review of my gifts, I've come to realise that i'm happy receiving vain gifts because they enable me to look beautiful. i'm a girlie girl! :) so keep them coming yeah :)

I just need a pretty, sturdy, med-size brown bag to make my secret wishlist complete. *hint hint*