and so i transformed the days into nights and slept through the static in my head.
I've been having such a repertoire of dreams that I suspect some of it is hallucination.
should i say, that my days have become gruesome. the silence is brutal, and the emptiness violent. gravity did its work on my soul and the corners of my mouth down-turned and forlorn. I really abhor this person I've morphed into, without hope, without personality, without a clear definition of who I am. My likes and dislikes no longer govern my preferences, my needs and wants no longer govern my decisions, my possessions and acquisitions no longer preoccupy me. I lied on the bed this morning, silently walking myself through all the things i can do, and the lacklustre of it all propelled me to sleep a little longer, 14 hours in all. it's true and apt, i've become a melancholic vegetable lost in my thoughts and hallucinations. I'm officially part of the walking dead club, those people i've always had pity on.
one thing that i have to admit, is that my sense of self had taken a hit in this entire relationship thing. it's not that I see myself lesser, God forbid. But I see myself a little lost, now that there isn't someone dragging me in one definite direction. There isn't someone to limit my decision-making liabilities to where to go for dinner, what to do for the coming weekend. There isn't someone to convince me that I was thinking too much, too far.
why am i holding on, i wonder. why can't i just move on, is the question. I think the answer should tell me where to move on to. I should be rejoicing in this new autonomy, it's just that I forgot where I was going before this. Where was I going, I'm trying to remember very hard. Who was I before this, I wonder. What preoccupied my thoughts before this?
I heard this song on the radio at the salon this morning. something about how long i'll take to get over you is how long we loved each other. there is an inkling of truth i suspect. even if the 3 months were that intense, the brutality i feel now should equate roughly to that isn't it. I give myself 3 months to get over this.
someone pinch me at the end of 3 months to check if i can feel anything.
I've been having such a repertoire of dreams that I suspect some of it is hallucination.
should i say, that my days have become gruesome. the silence is brutal, and the emptiness violent. gravity did its work on my soul and the corners of my mouth down-turned and forlorn. I really abhor this person I've morphed into, without hope, without personality, without a clear definition of who I am. My likes and dislikes no longer govern my preferences, my needs and wants no longer govern my decisions, my possessions and acquisitions no longer preoccupy me. I lied on the bed this morning, silently walking myself through all the things i can do, and the lacklustre of it all propelled me to sleep a little longer, 14 hours in all. it's true and apt, i've become a melancholic vegetable lost in my thoughts and hallucinations. I'm officially part of the walking dead club, those people i've always had pity on.
one thing that i have to admit, is that my sense of self had taken a hit in this entire relationship thing. it's not that I see myself lesser, God forbid. But I see myself a little lost, now that there isn't someone dragging me in one definite direction. There isn't someone to limit my decision-making liabilities to where to go for dinner, what to do for the coming weekend. There isn't someone to convince me that I was thinking too much, too far.
why am i holding on, i wonder. why can't i just move on, is the question. I think the answer should tell me where to move on to. I should be rejoicing in this new autonomy, it's just that I forgot where I was going before this. Where was I going, I'm trying to remember very hard. Who was I before this, I wonder. What preoccupied my thoughts before this?
I heard this song on the radio at the salon this morning. something about how long i'll take to get over you is how long we loved each other. there is an inkling of truth i suspect. even if the 3 months were that intense, the brutality i feel now should equate roughly to that isn't it. I give myself 3 months to get over this.
someone pinch me at the end of 3 months to check if i can feel anything.