Wednesday, 4 July 2012

people-pleaser

Years of people-pleasing have caused me to not know how to damn-what-they-might-think so as to navigate my own existence and happiness. damn. i can only bemoan my lack of guts here in the solace of my writing. damn. at least now i feel bold enough to say the "damn" prayer and allow myself some exhibited angst once in a while. and to allow myself to feel angry and let down.

day three of my break -and irritated at the unpredictable moods and weather i have to deal with in my boredom. actually, the weather's okay; i just have to shake the bad habit of trying to please her all the time and making the effort to make small talk when she stares off into blank space. that blank space which she locks herself in, unreachable or unreasonable, if she decides to come back to reality once in a while. i have given up on convincing her to pursue her happiness, to stop micro-managing everyone around her, to stop following that damned militant regime she called her preferred lifestyle. how can you call it "preferred" if you've never tried a happier alternative?

i think being angry reminds me who i dont want to become, how pointless it is to try and please someone who can never be pleased.