i've come to understand that we all oscillate, in the breeze of our fears and our doubts. It takes more for some to forgive their own waverings, but we can all take solace in the fact that we're always connected to the pendulum that will never let us go, a force that counters gravity on our behalf and gives us a true security in this ride. we can swing to extremes but there is always a place of equilibrium to return to.
i've come to experience prayer as a lifeline, especially in those painful and dark moments of silence. or so it seems. sometimes, it's not the silence but the deafening voice of self doubt and fear that drowns out rationality and spirituality. i pray to God without immediate relief, and can only summon enough remnants of faith to remember to will myself to hold on to the glimmer of belief that the prayer is heard and i am in good hands. No overwhelming sense of peace flood me, but the voices subside and i can finally sleep in that true silence. i awake with a renewed sense of purpose and hope the following day and watch in thankfulness as life unfolds to present me with gifts and little blessings that make my day. And then i know for sure that God had heard and prayer is the very very essential thing to hold on to in the midst of the tempest, no matter how tempting it is to let go of all hope of life in the choppy waters.
i've come to believe that honesty to who i am is not vulnerable. i fight the urge to put on makeup when i'm feeling insecure and scared. and i sense that authenticity is my strongest shield and fortress against self-doubt. and i transcend the meagre worries and insecurites and come to see that i have much more to offer to this world than a mask.
i've come to hope that the one i would love possess 5 core qualities. All these i see in different people who have crossed my path and i believe that he exists as an entity, not a list floating around in the recesses of my mind. One, a love and fear of God. Love to keep him close to God and Fear to keep him from wandering too far. Two, a tongue of affirmation and kind words to edify all those around him. Three, an individual to connect with me spiritually, intellectually, emotionally. Four, a man of inner and outer strength. Five, a level of comfort with him that allows for me to be who i am and knowing that i am still loved.
i've come to realise that i CAN ask for all these things, because God refined this list for me. i ask in unabashed boldness, not unlike a child asking a parent for guidance. it takes honesty to one's own heart, honesty to face God's heart, honesty to even dare to articulate this honesty.