head or heart

Is it really as simple as this? I have a much better heart that's for sure. But it doesn't mean that a good heart is not foolish or naive. Food for thought. 

bucket list

Wanna see my bucket list? I think my love for art museums started the moment I stepped into the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York. That love had been transformed into an almost-maniacal zeal.

Argh! The Royal Ontario Museum in Canada ranks 59! To think I was right there in front of that crystal pyramid door on a Monday, sulking over the fact that it was closed. I could have made it in for a brief half hour in between sightseeing and work the following day of course, but it wouldn't have done it justice.

Istanbul Museum ranks 82, but i'm quite sure there's no "Istanbul Museum" in Turkey - they must mean Topkapi, Hagia Sophia or the Istanbul Archaelogy Museum, all of which I had covered.

National Palace Museum in Taipei, check. The next one i'll really like to go is the British Museum - the Reading Room looks phenomenal.

The other bucket list in progress ;)

kindled

I have made it quite a point to buy that one thing which my heart lusted for, on every trip. Something substantial, fascinating yet functional - those things that made a trip memorable. I never quite expected my purchase of the North America trip to be a Kindle keyboard but boy am I happy. It re-Kindled (it's more poetic than a pun, really) my love for reading, which had quietened down quite a bit since I left school. And now it's singing melodic tunes to me once more. It's truly wonderful to be able to bring my library wherever I go; bye to those dilemmas of "oh i want to read this again, but how about that one for now?" whenever I stood in front of my bookshelf or the public library. I could have it all! Even good websites for study of the classics like Johnstonia could be converted into ebooks for reading wherever. And the inbuilt dictionary made it easy for the aspiring wordsmith to learn new words and concepts at the touch of one key.

I am fighting the tide that threatens to silence my love for reading, my ever-shorter attention span with the invasion of video, youtube and all that mindless entertainment. The dearth of book reading in our generation represents the death of knowledge and birth of frivolous snippets of information invading mindspace and virtual reality. The internet may have made news, bits of information and convenience fast-food-like forum answers available to all, but it's really through books that real knowledge could be gleaned, mulled over, incorporated into one's worldview. No shortcuts and no googling to skip over the necessary time-consuming pain of following through a complex idea or theory. Even fiction is usually better represented in a novel than a two hour mind-numbing session in a darkened cinema.

Of course, one might say that e-readers take away part of the reading experience. The book lover in me rejected e-readers/tablets for a long time. I love the smell of new books, thumbing through my favourite pages, tracing an intruiging line with my index finger in a mock attempt to dissect it physically. But the Kindle proved to be a worthy substitute when I first laid eyes (and hands) on it. It mimicks a real book, and fulfills the book lover's fantasy to bring her entire collection with her, so she can fish out her favourite passage whenever she wished. It even has page next buttons situated at the side of the reader like a real book. Love it to bits. Just wished I had a bimbotic white one instead of the sturdy oldish graphite one. Oh well. One pays for real knowledge not aesthetics :P

Boaz, not Bozo!

A post from 10 months ago which inspired me then, and gave me new food for thought now. I suddenly remember, all that expectancy i had as a single girl.. and starting to appreciate this piece even more. Yet, in all honesty, a relationship is the last thing on my mind now. i'm taking a break from all these things.. and perhaps even from God. cruising along, cruising.

20 Dec 2008

No Bozos for me anymore. I want Boaz!

Amazing Excerpts from A Man Worth Waiting For by Jackie Kendall.

A man who was single until he was 53 responded with this...

An ideal man:
--Should have a passion for the quality of gentleness
--Should desire to crawl up into the lap of Jesus and abide there minute by minute each day.
--Should have a passion to be more Christlike in word, deed, and thought every minute of the day.
--Should be one who desires to control his tongue with the help of the Holy Spirit.
--Has a real desire for spiritual wisdom
--Is one who recognizes that he is of great importance/significance to God and therefore he cares for/loves himself in such a manner that he is able to love others as himself.
--Works to protect his heart and keep it open to the Holy Spirit and input from other brothers and sisters in Jesus.

Another response....

Integrity is the first thing that comes to mind. What you see is what you get. He is the same person with his family, on his job, with his friends...he is consistent. Doesn't have anything to hide from the Lord.

Wisdom. Very difficult thing to come by, because wisdom is from the Lord. Many people have knowledge, and it sounds good, but it isn't right. When we have wisdom from the Lord, we will always find God's best.

Humility. If a man has integrity and wisdom, there will always be people who want him. When that happens, it is easy to get caught up in ourselves, and fall prey to the three G's: the glory, the glitter, and the girls. The first two strengths then become a weakness, because it robs God of His glory.


Excerpt from the section "Make Him Climb, Girl":

"Make him climb a tree. The climbing would test his calf muscles and his perseverance. The top of the tree is where the best fruit is; the rotten fruit drops to the ground. A Bozo guy is content with what is on the bottom branches and even what has dropped rotten to the ground, but only a Boaz has the calf muscles-character-to climb to the top of a tree for the best fruit (you).

Psalm 80:12 says, "But now, why have you broken down our walls so that all who pass may steal our fruit?" When I read this verse I thought, You can't steal the fruit high up in a tree as easily as you can the fruit that is hanging on the lowest branches. Broken walls let trespassers into a garden....allow Jesus to place some building blocks in your hands that will rebuild where your wall has been broken. This wall of protection will not keep out an honorable Boaz. In fact, the man worth waiting for has the strength from God not only to climb a tree for you but also to scale a wall to win your heart: "For by You I can run against a troop, by my God I can leap over a wall." (ps. 18:29) Don't settle for a guy who wouldn't leap over a wall for you or climb the highest tree for you! Your heavenly Bridegroom was willing to die for you; don't settle for less in an earthly bridegroom."

"A man of noble character knows how to love long-term. How important is character? That can be answered with another question: how important is love? Love that lasts beyond the seven year itch, love that lasts beyond financial setbacks, love for better or for worse is love that is supported by depth of character.

Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Emotions come and go, but a choice is reinforced by one's character. The problem today with many men is lack of real character development. Bozos love when they feel like it. Boazes love enduringly. The growth of character enhances a man's capacity to love well and long-term.

The commitment phobia that so many use as an excuse for singleness is a reflection of shallow character. Character and love are inextricably linked, as noted by author C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity: "Love, as distinct from being in love, is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity; maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by [in Christian marriages] the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God."

A man's character is revealed during times of trial. On a date in a controlled environment, a guy can appear to be a Boaz. But it is critical to have an opportunity to see how he responds to stress and disappointment because his response reveals his character. Moses wrote, "Remember how the Lord your God led you through the wilderness for forty years, humbling you and testing you to prove your character, and to find out whether or not you would really obey his commands." (Deut. 8:2)

When you're considering a guy's character, trying to discern if he is a Boaz or a Bozo, ask yourself: Is this person qualified to help me obey God? Another way to phrase it: Does this guy draw me closer to God or distract me from God?

A Boaz will encourage you to obey God.
A Bozo will encourage you to disobey God.

He who loves you most will help you obey God. My husband and I taught a large singles Bible study for five years. We challenged more than a hundred singles every week with this exhortation from Hebrews: "And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Heb 10:24). Are you looking for a man who will encourage you to obey God, or have you been spending time with a man who encourages you to disregard what God is showing you?"

A Man Worth Waiting For (MWWF) has Noble Character

--He Loves in Action as Well as Words

--He Inspires Respect

--He Exhibits the "Three I's"
Identity in Christ
Integrity in Life
Initiative

--He Protects
Physical Protection
Emotional Protection

--Sad to say, Christian girls today don't expect to be treated with honor. They don't expect guys to be in awe of them. They're so in awe of the guys, they'll do whatever the guys want! A normal, proper attitude toward you as a young woman is one of respect and protection. Men should protect your honor and your purity. A Boaz does.
Where do you think Boaz goe his sensitivity training? Consider his background. He was raised by a mom who knew firsthand how men can take advantage of women! Did you know that Boaz's mom was Rahab the harlot? Boaz was raised by a woman with a colorful past, but her wise choices decided her future destiny. Rahab chose the God of Israel, she rescued Israel's spies (who later saved her life), and she raised a boy who became a principled protector of women (Josh 2). Rahab trained her son to understand: guys are here to protect, not exploit women.

--He Provides
--At mealtime Boaz said to her, "Come over here. Have some bread and dip it in the wine vinegar." When she sat down with the harvesters, he offered her some roasted grain. She ate all she wanted and had some left over. As she got up to glean, Boaz gave orders to his men, "Even if she gathers among the sheaves, don't embarrass her. Rather, pull out some stalks for her from the bundles and leave them for her to pick up, and don't rebuke her." (Ruth 2:14-16)

After sharing lunch with her, Boaz even secretly arranged for greater provision! He was quite extravagant. As I previously noted, he went beyond what the Hebrew Law required for the needy. The Hebrew Law required only that Boaz give Ruth the leftovers of his harvest-but he gave from the harvest itself. Why does a woman settle for a man who is too self-absorbed to give her more than she needs? Why do women so willingly settle for crumbs? Why do so many bright, wonderful girls act like the needy teen I was in high school always paying for the privilege of being loved? Do women so want male attention that they are willing to pay for it rather than be the recipient of blessings initiated in secret, like Boaz's provision for Ruth?

When you're sorting through the Boazes from the Bozo's in your life, look at how a man gives. Does he give freely, generously, offer more than enough? Or does he cling to his wallet, dispersing funds reluctantly or morosely? A Boaz gladly provides.

A Bozo offers no security because he holds back financially and emotionally. A Boaz provides joyfully.

--He is a Persistent Pursuer
--Boaz approached Ruth first. He instigated their relationship. When she responded he was persistent in his pursuit. Such honorable pursuit and persistence stand in such contrast to the training that men today receive in relation to being a MWWF. From a young age, men are trained how to hide their feelings, how to win in a fistfight, how to hit a ball, how to shoot a gun, how to birdie on the sixteenth hole, and how to manipulate several remote controls simultaneously.

Some men live a whole lifetime and never master the science of How to Handle a Woman. The Apostle Peter had a wife, and he knew from firsthand experience what he wrote about in 1 Peter 3:7 "Husbands, dwell with [your wives] according to knowledge". The word "knowledge" comes from a Greek word meaning "science". A woman is a science to be studied and discovered, but so few men are coached or mentored into loving women as they need to be loved. We see in Ephesians that Paul's great commandment to men is to love them as much as Christ loves the church (Eph. 5:25). Talk about sacrificial love!

A Bozo will love a woman in whatever way he feels is best-in whatever way serves him, not her. A Boaz will love a woman in a way that shows his feelings-and persistence in meeting a woman's needs is one way he does this.

--He is a Prepared Partner
--Boaz was attuned to the heart and needs of the woman in his life. A prepared partner is always willing to attend to another's needs. We've seen that Boaz was responsive to Ruth's vulnerability both emotionally and physically. A Boaz expresses and acts on his compassion for others. A Bozo, on the other hand, focuses on himself. He may briefly pity someone in his life, but he doesn't actually do much to help her.

Boaz was a student of Ruth's heart in that he quickly ascertained her needs, quickly promised to take care of them, and quickly did! He protected her from harm, he soothed her fears, and he completed the legal legwork to marry her--all in a very short time! A lesser man would have taken no notice of this foreigner, wouldn't have thought about her safety, would have refused the hassle of taking on Ruth and her mother-in-law, and would have left the women to fend for themselves.

A Boaz of a guy speaks and acts in ways that heal a wounded woman, treating her like a princess even if she doesn't see herself as one.

--He is a Fighter of Battles
--Boaz was an overcomer. He was never one to shrink away from a challenge or let others do the fighting for him. We see this in the fact that he is wealthy. He had fought business battles to become successful. Second, he was single. In a marriage-oriented culture that considered sons as riches, he could have married any young woman. But he chose to remain single until the right woman came along. He fought the battles of loneliness and cultural pressure.

You and I have a heavenly Father who has set the standard so high through the biblical precedent of Boaz that we don't have to settle for men who can't, by faith, conquer the city of the enemy--whether it is the enemy of sexual temptation, greed or entitlement.

The battles a man wins before marriage are a forecast of the victories he will achieve after marriage.

What a man conquers before he is even married becomes a frame for future victory. Don't settle for a man who is not fighting the good fight of faith. The skirmishes he faces as a single man are only preparing him for the major wars that are ahead. A Bozo runs from conflict and battle. A Boaz faces and conquers it.

Jesus died on the cross to conquer sin and death for the sake of his bride (those who are His followers). Don't settle for a guy who isn't willing to boldly conquer the enemy in order to win the privilege of sharing this journey on this earth with you.

Much Ado About Everything

Caught the play, Much Ado About Nothing with the rest of the quartet at Fort Canning last Thursday. I enjoyed it thoroughly, both the company i had and the play itself. It's a different kind of dynamic with them, that is comfortable, interesting and fun. Perhaps coz each of us have such distinct personalities. Eugene the decisive leader of the pack who comes up with side-splitting comments when you're offguard. Therie the sweet-looking yet feisty LEGO doll with the hearty laughter. Darryl the practical philosopher who moves freely between reality and the realm of idealism. Rae the romantic fighting off their relentless environment-sustainability, rhetorical attacks on dreamy balloons floating into the night sky. And we all talk politics. You can't find a more interesting quartet, can you?

As for the play, I was a little wary of how much I could enjoy it at the start, since I never fancied myself to be a "play" person. I have always enjoyed the novel to the film adaptation of any story, due to the paucity of description that goes into film, and I quite naturally thought that a play would dilute a story even further. Alas, I now see the beauty of a play. the dynamism and space available for interpretation is immense, an art form that the pen or film cannot offer. Each medium causes a story to shine in its own way :)

The Shakespearean language took a little getting used to, so I was clueless for the first 10 mins, quite honestly. When my brain finally got attuned to Shakespeare however, i promptly fell in love with the grandiose language of love and loss. It was so rightfully intriguing. Reading Shakespeare would not have done him justice, since his plays are written to be expressed in the form of theatre. and theatre under the stars at that! it was beautiful. the scene of the balloons carelessly and carefully floating away to the stars had such a transient beauty to it.

Perhaps it's Fort Canning, perhaps it's the British accent, or because of the effort to infuse an Asian element to the play, I got the feeling I was watching a story unfolding in colonial Singapore. A little strange at times, but never reaches the point of being jarring. Enjoyable, i would say.

Definitely worth your money folks ;)

This is what dreams are made of.

Susan Boyle Singer Britains Got Talent 2009 With Lyrics @ Yahoo! Video

I remain very moved. dreams that look like castles in the air, dreams that are made of the fluff of escapism, dreams glamorous but fragile like stained glass, are nothing like the dreams substantiated by the courage to pursue them, at the infinitely huge risk of being public humiliated and scorned at. It's only with courage, that dreams can have any real meaning or substance.

May we never lose the courage to dream.

Afloat

1. Afloat
2. Eternity
3. Be Still
4. Yours
5. Burn
6. My Soul Waits
7. Treasures
8. Dedication
9. Goodbye
10. Sunday
11. Rescue
12. Rags to Robes
13. It is Well
14. Barabbas

gosh!! Caleb and Solomon released their album! it's really great music and exhilarating for me that a friend has made it :)

i heard Solomon perform this track live before he left last summer and it was breathtaking. it's gonna be my favourite track on this album but the rest are great as well.

Eternity


Afloat


Be Still

quiet silence

she always believed in the need to be conversational, especially with those closet to her heart. it's almost like the crusade to bare one's heart is one that she lives for, a born psychoanalyst who instinctively protects the emotional well being of all those within 1m proximity to where she's breathing. Love, to her, is a warm and engaging conversation that can last into eternity; not necessarily of words, but of music of the soul in resonance with one another, of silence that echoes out into the deep, of musings and sighs that are shared and understood. which is why, she knows and understands God's love and her love for God. not intellectually, but with the heart and soul. perhaps that's why, etched in her mind is the image of a boy, silent and slightly awkward, always watching her from afar, not daring to draw near. they share a knowing smile, and then part ways. they see each other from the corner of their eyes, never quite making the connection. they pluck up the courage to speak to each other, not of words but of music. the heart, speaking much louder than the sum total of all the words exchanged between them.

being alive, with colours and individuality

i'd very much rather stare at the computer till my eyes hurt than actually sleep when i'm dead tired since 2.5 hours ago. i know i deserve all the dark eye rings and eye bags in the world but too bad i'm endowed with youth and not-bad genes and those things don't get me so easily. right now i'm just thinking about how to use an eyeliner properly to get a rather sweet gothic look like the girl on the far left of the picture. (i don't really care very much about the other rather pointless pair of pictures.) makeup is my new love ever since starting temp work. it changes the way you look, but more importantly, it changes how you feel. it's a beautiful colourful day when i look through my 12-colour palette of eye shadows and decide whether to be a lilac butterfly or a brown racoon. it captures my imagination and expresses my creativity; yes, all in the process of choosing colours and styles to present to the world. makeup does not equal vanity my dear friends. they are like the colours of the rainbow to enthrall and inspire, the paint colours on the palette of a pensive artist to translate the overflowing reservoir of heaven in his breast. if art is spiritual, so must the trade of beauty creation be.

On a more intellectual tone, i have been reading Affluenza by Oliver James to satisfy my book hunger. how can i ever live without books and ideas?

besides the aesthetic reason of how i adore the cover picture of 2 zombified beautiful city dwellers, what Oliver expounds in his book about the Virus-infected English speaking cities (including Singapore) is superbly interesting. Sadly, Tzing was not too impressed nor intrigued when i was sharing (albeit a little too briefly) about his finding about how focusing on being beautiful rather than attractive is much healthier and more intrinsically motivated and hence gives you better emotional well being. well, it's common sense to know that you're always happier when you're not trying to please everyone in the world, but i've never truly separated being beautiful from being attractive. most people, like me, will probably intuitively think that they are one and same. he raises the very poignant example of how Russian and Danish women are the most beautiful in the world (seriously, i never knew that before reading the book but apparently, it's a known fact in the Western world.) but miniskirts and low cut tops are not found in their fashion encyclopedia. think individualistic, personalized, tasteful clothings mixed and matched that DON'T cost $60 a piece, mass produced in Zimbabwe and shipped over to Zaras and Mangoes going on sale in Singapore. i've always been disgusted by the state of fashion in Singapore. I'd rather dress plainly in clothes that are flattering for me and feel comfortable than trash my money on clothing that are skimpy, overpriced, mass produced and devoid of personality. Oliver's theory is that Russian and Danish women, unlike the Virus-stricken (materialism) women in developed cities, have learnt to express their beauty and creativity in their appearance, instead of using appearance to impress others or to attract men. this is why their beauty radiates from within.

Pretty cool thought huh? Oliver writes much better and interestingly of course. and every page reads like a vaccine for myself and helps me to dig deeper to discover what is truly important to me and authenticity ranks tops. To be true to who i am, what i feel, what i think, what i believe, to all those who cross my path and whose paths i cross. of course, that presupposes a simultaneous process of improving that authentic self; less selfishness, less materialism, less pretense, less hedonism, less directionless, less introspection. work in progress, that's what i am.

And don't ask me why i address Oliver James by his first name. i don't want to tell you that i neurotically treat all good writers as my personal friends. shhhhhh.

Musical Lyrical

My favourite Chopin piece thusfar.I love the to-ing and fro-ing of this waltz piece alot. Exuberant and yet reticient. Like a shy dancer with all the passion burning inside her as she bursts across the room.


Absolutely beautiful and hopeful piece by Italian contemporary composer, Ludovico Enaudi :)I'm learning to appreciate music just as it is, without the translation of lyrics or words. Just as it is. Just as I am.

The Prophet. On Love.

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

More of The Prophet.

space in togetherness.

“You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when
the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.

But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.

Fill each other’s cups but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.

Sing and dance together and be joyous,
but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.

And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

- ‘The Prophet’ by Kahlil Gibran

What a beautiful rendition of love, one that has said all that is to say about love. Give your hearts, but not into each other's keep, for only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. stand together yet not too near together, for the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and cypress grow not in each other's shadow. This is love as God has created and there is so much beauty in it. spaces in togetherness, because there has to be room for God. I'm inspired and awed.

Zardo's streets.

Veurnes Street in Belgium

Bruxelles Street

by Zardo, a new fav.

I love his shots of empty streets. The skewed lines and looming presence in the Veurnes shot is breathtaking. It's one of my favorites. The warmer lighting in Bruxelles Street seem to be one of the rare gentler shots that he takes. the stoic gothic buildings are always juxtaposed with the sky and tormented clouds, which give them a breathe of majestic life.

I think, therefore i am

a cool, refreshing day for thought and work. i'm halfway through with the US Foreign Policy analysis already. it's pretty amazing how much i can do in 2 hours, versus how much time i can sometimes waste by doing nothing at all. Yet i'm always grateful for this spurts of productivity; not just that i can finish the work on time, but also because it allows for my intellectualism to be organised and to be proven through the medium of words, sentences, paragraphs.

"For when you take up a pen and paper.. to commit your thoughts to the relative permanence of the tangible, your mind works to its fullest. Not merely exercising its function, you actually reveal its essence. The truth is, you never know so well what it is you think nad feel until you express it on the page. Make it live and breathe in words, sentences, paragraphs. in this way, writing is a uniquely human process of discovery."

from Lexean,
Issue 01.
a Singapore Publication with the creed:
"For the Man who believes in
The Power of the Words
The Merit of Morality
The Might of Virtue
One who is worldly in outlook
Asian at Heart & Proud to be Lexean"

Writing is a gift to me, because it unblocks arteries running through my soul.

it is a magical thing to unravel the mysteries of the individual self through the medium of writing, slowly peeling through the onion layers, slowly advancing in the maze of complexity, until you strip yourself of all pretense and ostentatiousness. Right at the core of it, i'm always delighted to realise how my existence can be represented through such sophisticated thinking and writing. The great philosopher said "I think, therefore I am" has packed more wisdom in these simple words that i had realised before.

The mystery of life is wonderous and well, mysterious. It's a curious sensation to know that one is alive, usually. It's not just the thinking-about-meself that unlocks who you are; it is the mere process of thinking and debating and writing that one realises how alive one is.

it is the same with good conversations. I always humbly admit that my oratory skills are not as developed as my writing skills. But times when i meet good conversationalists that i feel comfortable with, the demise of good conversation in Singapore's general climate becomes jarring and i become dissatisfied with the quality of conversations that i can have. I remember so vividly in the streets of Boston when an old man stopped Chris and me to talk about Heidegger and film. it shook me that it was a lazy regular day in summer at the crossroads of a quiet street, that a stranger would smile and stop to talk on a topic so different from the mundane and hurried conversation that i'm used to in sunny Singapore. The old man turned out to be a Philosophy major who graduated from Harvard years ago.

Consider the opening of a Lexean article from the same issue,

A conversation here is like a highway to a corner destination. The trip doesn't last long, the exits are clearly marked -- and taken quickly. From wedding dinner to corner coffeeshop, the tongue is now just another piece of cutlery, to work on food, but not for thought.

This is not the place to delve, to dally, to play and to probe, to dance and dart around an idea. You have a better chance of finding a white hair on the Chinese Politburo. When you call your friends, don't they ask you after 30s max:"what's up?"

Good conversation, as any dictionary will tell you, involves an exchange of ideas, even some debate. Or try this on for size, from James Hillman in We've had a Hundred Years of Psychotherapy and The World is Getting Worse:

"Not just any talk is conversation; not any talk raises consciousness. Good conversation has an edge: it opens your eyes to something, quickens your ears. And good conversation reverberates... the next day, you find yourself still conversing with what was said. Your mind's been moved. You are at another level with your reflections "

Recently I'd been tired of listening to people mindlessly bashing the ruling party, Bush administration wrt to Iraq War etc with hearsay and what "everyone else knows"without making the effort to remunerate and critically think for oneself the issue in question. In such conversations i always sense an unwillingness, if not inability, to delve into the more difficult underlying tensions. The elusive and unsubstantiated bashings really serve more as small talk then conversation.

As i flipped through the issues of Lexean that i grabbed from outside the Central Library yesterday, my heart actually surged with a flicker of hope that the intellectual climate in Singapore would grow and even flourish in time to come. There are pretty neat articles on politics, economics, environment, gadgets and (gasp!) high end male fashion.

Obviously, the publication is sexist(read the creed again) and elitist (it costs a whooping $15.80) but it's good stuff. And i don't believe that only men are capable of thought, seriously. There are as many FHM spin-offs in newspaper stands as women gossip magazines. I will forgive the creed on basis that it's branding. And i will continue reading it.

Chopin Opus 69 No.2 in Bminor

one of my favourites.

Ryuichi Sakamoto

The Other Side of Love

i decided i won't sleep, without playing this song on repeat before i drift off to sleep each night. It has a draw on me i cannot explain, just like how i fall in love with words and people i can never explain why or how. Such is love; nuanced, confusing yet full of conviction never to regret when it's all over.

blogger.

i don't read alot of blogs. was googling around and i found this random blog
, apparently one of my juniors in school, whom i never had the chance to know. the thrill of reading familiar thoughts that once went through my mind, and current thoughts that preoccupy mine now. she loved Idealism too, a kindred spirit.

The soldiers that have trespassed on the ground of my mind the past week in no rank nor file:

Poetry is language symmetry, yinyang magic.

Lost in the music your heart will be mine.

mystress - tryst - mistrust

Ugly competition lurks around sentimental class reunions.

When I'm plugged in, the world becomes my mtv.

Everytime my eyes fall downward to my new scar, I feel human. My gaze clings to it the same way your mind lingers on the beauty of sadness. I feel resolved knowing that my skin communicates the constant agony in my head.

The people who have woken me up before are the ones I trust the most. There is something special in rousing me from my daily death. I trust you to bring me to life again.

I told Adeline: Happiness is not an achievement, it's a decision.

I poke fun at ugly couples because they dare to do what I don't.

The acute realisation that We are the Future hit me again.

Journalism is a mechanism for adding to the total amount of knowledge in the world.

I'll just be a companion. Grey. It will be a grand nothing day. Say yes. Say.

Stop doing things tomorrow.

I want to be able to hold your gaze when you ask about my history.

Everyone has got bets on each other.

Sunscreen

Sunscreen
by Baz Luhrman


Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97,
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis or reliable then my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice....now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, nevermind, you won't understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded, but trust me in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.
You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future, or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind: the kind that blindsides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts; don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how).

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives; some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of Calcium. Be kind to your knees -- you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40; maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body: use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it; it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance...even if you have no where to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions (even if you don't follow them). Do not read beauty magazines; they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents; you never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings: they're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but what a precious few should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps and geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old; and when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you are 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia; dispensing it is a way of wishing the past from the disposal--wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts, and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me, I'm the sunscreen.

being a princess

A good princess may occasionally let her guard down but only to emphasize how impeccable she generally holds herself. Even the noblest princess may occasionally let us see the chink in her purposeful armour, as a reminder that she is, finally human, all too human. In famine, flood or war she will speedily hitch up her skirts, muckin with the best of them, for the common good. At such times it may become clear that the most glamourous character traits which the princess personifies are courage, purpose and intelligence.

A Princess Tale.

birthday loot from soulmate. i know in my heart that it's true.
that being a princess has everything to do with the interior.
that we were created to be princesses.
thank you for that truth that has been forgotten, and then regained.

i'm still in the midst of celebrating my 21st. very grateful of course, that the gifts and well wishes are still pouring in. some have done so much and others have pretended to forget, but in my heart i found myself saying a silent "thank you" to them anyway, for having been part of my 21 years. some a greater part, others an earlier part, still others, little episodes that happened and then nearly forgotten. but i remember them all.

some memories have stood the test of time and denial and retained much authenticity. the feelings revisited and i have to unwillingly admit that things i had done or said, they are all true. that i had been honest with myself, more honest than the present me will admit.

because, the present me has the hindsight to hypocritically deny my past, to say that the past was nothing but a montage of foolishness and misguided decisions.

but no, the Lord has been very honest in dealing with me, and when i look back at my past squarely in the face, i know that all of me was true. i embrace and accept all of that and hope that as each of you is reading this, forgive me if i had hurt you and believe me that i've tried to be as authentic as i could have been.

thank you for the memories.

and sometimes, living in the consciousness that i'm creating new memories is exciting. i know what i'll remember. jeelee giving me mini lectures during PT, therie with her whole repertoire of endearing idiosyncrasies, jian and his cheem theories, me wincing at kc's comments, amanda and her kewl new look, qinghan forever saying that we should meet up someday, me in the solace of my favourite Central Library, me rushing around school, meeting people along corridors who brighten my day/make me wince/make me detour/make my heart race/make me shout a big hello...

Look What You've Done
"Take my photo of the world if it just wouldn't sing for you
all that's left has gone away
nothing left for you to do

Look what you've done
you've made a fool of everyone
oh well
it seem like such fun
until you lose what you had won"