boring updates.

I'm starting a new phase of my life on 25 May. work life, here I come!
all i can say for this whole experience of getting a job is that God has been leading me along a straight and narrow path, with all the appropriate road signs as well-maintained and well-placed as those along Singapore roads.
[no way that I could get lost, only impatient though, since the signs tended to be farther from one another than i thought initially. ]

due to some complications, I'll be having a shorter break than i thought.
which i am glad, in some ways.
that i no longer have to agonize over "to rest or not to rest".
now it's the question of how I can maximize my one month of rest.
glad to have a play, a karoke session and a guitar gathering lined up in the pipes already :)
i'm well-pleased whenever entertainment is scheduled. heh.

with a shorter break than expected, I'm embarking on my rest and recreation now, even though it's in the midst of study break.
come on, i only have TWO papers to mug for. how awesome.
more self -maintenance, exercise and rest.
I started on the Jillian Michaels workout today.

honestly, it's pretty good, even if the pike was too incredibly hard. a very good combination of strength and cardio. I was breathing pretty hard at the end of the session.
i had to push myself a fair bit since it has been a super long time since i did strength training properly, but it wasn't impossible to go through it.

at last, i also solved my longstanding insomnia problem by pulling myself out of bed at 7am for the past couple of days.
good job girl! *pat on the back*
it was like being abandoned by the rest of the world in absolute stillness when for weeks I couldn't fall asleep even at 4am.
at last, i'll be living a positive, healthy life :D

This is what dreams are made of.

Susan Boyle Singer Britains Got Talent 2009 With Lyrics @ Yahoo! Video

I remain very moved. dreams that look like castles in the air, dreams that are made of the fluff of escapism, dreams glamorous but fragile like stained glass, are nothing like the dreams substantiated by the courage to pursue them, at the infinitely huge risk of being public humiliated and scorned at. It's only with courage, that dreams can have any real meaning or substance.

May we never lose the courage to dream.

amazing grace

"The places, the High Places of victory and union with Christ can be reached by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by laying down of our own will and accepting His."

I feel like crying whenever i re-read what S.K wrote in his card for me. Isn't it true, that dying to self daily is the way to live out the will of God and to be at that place that is much much much better than the place i'm trying to get to by my strength. I struggle so. I am persistently trying to wiggle my way out and open up new possibilities, because the feeling of walking along this one deterministic path is scary for me. I sometimes wonder if I enjoy the feeling of being in the middle of an African pasture with acres of grass between me and another living organism, of being alone in a sampan in the middle of the Indian Ocean, rather than being like Little Red Riding Hood taking that one clear path towards Granny's house. because being in the pasture and ocean means endless possibilities isn't it. the PATH leads to a place i'm not absolutely is THE PLACE.

I really should just shut up and walk this path. my wanderings and wonderings reveal such an unbridled creature inside of me. I still so stubbornly think that God's way is not the best for me.

I think it's because I have not grasped what it means 'the grace of God'. I've been reading Philip Yancey's What's So Amazing About Grace (it's an awesome awesome read) and I realise that I am frequently trapped into thinking that God should and will withhold the very best for me because I'm not good, pious, virtuous, sinless enough. What a huge lie. My Lord has been so gracious in dying for me that i might live, so gracious in answering my prayers, so gracious in never leaving and forsaking me, so gracious in giving me a new confidence and hope in Him.

I didn't have to prove myself worthy when I decided to follow Christ. He walked with the tax collectors, murderers, prostitutes. He didn't ask them to prove themselves worthy of the kingdom of God either. Why am i now trying to make myself worthy instead of believing that as His child, i am already worthy of His blessings? I don't deserve it and I never did, but He still extends His divine arms to me.

the man of inner and outer strength

The Sanguine has in many ways lived being allergic to shopping lists, to-do lists, check-lists, instruction manuals of any kind. She breaks out in mumps and itches all over, whilst rolling around the floor whining and whimpering. Atlas, it really all boils down to an almost childish fear that whatever is written in words are carved in stone in the heavens, open to ridicule by less well meaning people who stumble upon it, sabotaged by even lesser well meaning people, or inviting perhaps a stroke of bad luck to spoil it all. She used to believe, in her inner being, that there was this cosmic clown going around just to make sure the innocent wishes of children would not be fulfilled so he could jeer and chuckle in their faces. And believing in the lie that what she want she would never get, she resorted to not thinking about what she wanted, whilst placing her best bet in the elusive gift of all called serendipity, where she can effortlessly stumble upon her heart's desire when she's not looking.

Atlas! the journey saw her stumbling into potholes and ditches when she refuses to look in the corners of her heart. detours and merry-go-rounds set her thinking once again, that perhaps in trying to blind the imaginary cosmic clown, she was perhaps only blinding herself. but of course, bad habits take a long time to completely release their grip on her Sanguine life. and she continues to be led by a deliberate purposelessness disguised in the cloak of openness.

but then she remembered that she is after all a princess. A princess of the Most High, that is. Why choose to believe in the curse of the cosmic clown rather than all the power and authority she wields on account of her birthright? With a renewed courage of conviction, she decides to petition the Father with regards to her man of inner and outer strength.

He must exist somewhere, not just in the imaginary landscape where only unicorns live, ya?

siberia

sometimes i think i'm evil, especially when i choose to be icy cold to guys who are persistent but i'm not interested in them. it's not out of a i-don't-wanna-lead-you-on mentality, but a real irksome feeling in my heart that prompts me to really wanna shout GIVE UP! I'M MOVING TO SIBERIA TMR AND THERE'S NO RECEPTION OR INTERNET ACCESS THERE! argh. do i attract the wrong crowd or what.

retiring tyre.

i feel like a tyre that has ran good mileage, and the rough and tumble has resulted in much wear and tear. Without proper grooves, the tyre's just cruising along without any real grip and direction. For the first time in my racing career, I've no desire to be chionging anywhere, and quite ready to let it go a little. Even if I'm skidding for a bit, i can only get a few bruises here and there anyhow. the real bends in the road have been conquered.

translate back to human terms, i can't bring myself to write another term paper. Or proposal for that matter. Or read another journal article or reading. it's not exactly fatigue, coz i made sure to rectify that with much recreation, rest and exercise. it's the aftermath of wear and tear, as i said. of having done so much with my brain, it has expired. Time to move on to a sort of retirement; to take it easy, not think too much and CHILLLLLLL. there's no even urgent need for renewal of any sort. which is a strange new concept isn't it. retiring tyre is now the central theme of my life. but it has made me realise the truly important things in life. I've much desire to be spending more time with friends (who incidentally have not enough time for me now). to just chill and talk about frivolous stuff. i think it's such simple joy.

looking forward to catching Departures with S.Kiat on Friday night. it's been a long time since we hung out. It's been a long time since i hung out with most friends. if you're reading this, i'm probably missing YOU too, my friend.

bossa nova, my love.

drifting in and out of Olivia's tracks, in a state of bossa nova, as I just let myself float through life, devoid of any real emotions that might ground me back to a more substantial existence. intoxicated and sedated, as if on anesthetic. I finally understand why some friends refuse to touch alcohol, after seeing other lose all control after being drunk. I've never been drunk, and i don't ever plan to find out where my tolerant level is, after seeing someone so gone. It's more than good old embarrassment, but a hit to basic self respect, to allow oneself to be so helpless.

i'm planning to give myself a 6 week break before starting work in mid june, which pretty much means i should start making plans, and book friends before they start flying all over the world. i've no wish to laze around at home or to drift through it. saving that for now, in the wake of my thesis. I was so happy to sit down to write the acknowledgements and compiling the biblio. i think i deserve this break.

life mission statement

we did a little exercise to craft our personal life mission statement today. firstly, i chose about 6 verbs which resonated with me from a long list: believe, brighten, delight, dream, encourage, validate. then I chose 2 ministry areas/fields which again resonated with me: broadcasting and journalism. and viola, after some pondering i crafted a simple one-liner for myself:

"To dream, believe in and validate the worth of every individual through the field of broadcasting and journalism".

pleased with it, because i finally see the connection with the field my heart is passionate about, and the larger desire to touch lives and serve fellow humanity. I believe, that the worth of an individual can be validated, when we care and love enough to listen to his story, when we care and love enough to share in his joys and pains, when we care and love enough to extend help and hope when all is dark.

updates

the thesis's going on well, with very constructive comments from the prof and much passion and love for my topic still. I find it miraculous and thank God for the perseverance I never knew I was capable of.

still mulling over a very special and enjoyable night out for a belated bday celebration earlier this week, but i'm telling my heart not to move so fast and let my brain catch up a little. If perseverance had a sequel, it would be patience. yet my heart skips a bit whenever i remember the musicality of his birthday song for me as we sat in the candlelight. I was a little self-conscious that I revealed so much about myself and did think myself a blabbermouth.. guess i'm still not quite the classy woman with few graceful words still, but the young lady still prone to bubbling over with a tad too much enthusiasm, with my words coming out faster than my brain processor. grr. his maturity in contrast, makes me seem like a teenager.

I got a job offer today, not quite what I thought I would get, but i accepted, knowing that it's where I wanna be. Mixed feelings, one of relief that there's light pointing to where i'll be going, one of disappointment that I'm not gonna be at the exact position i wanna be at. I think it's a pride issue, of thinking that I should deserve only the very best. Yet who am I kidding? I am now an undergrad with no real life experience and hey, in a couple of months i'll be a grad with no real life experience still. some of my peers are going to be benchmarked higher than me for unknown reasons but the question I ask myself is whether I believe God has His reasons for sending me where I am going and at that particular entry level. It's humbling, but even as I'm determined to prove my capability, I just want to rejoice that God has already provided for me.

jiayou.

risk and freedom

To laugh is to risk appearing like a fool
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental
To reach out for another is to risk involvement
To expose your feelings is to risk rejection
To place your dreams before the crowd is to risk ridicule
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To go forward in the face of overwhelming odds is to risk failure
But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.
He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or love.
Chained by his certitudes, he is a slave.
He has forfeited his freedom.

Only a person who takes risks is free.

you're perfect.

By the way, if there were only 2 guys in the world I could choose to be perfect male specimens in terms of looks, it would be Brad Pitt and Wong Lee Hom. It's not like i would go crazy over them. I have never. But everytime i see them onscreen or in photos i can't help thinking that they are indeed, perfect. There's something about them that makes me wanna pause and just observe the magnificence with which God has made them; the curves, angles, strength. Okay, i should stop before i start sounding obsessive.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I cried through Benjamin Button, and didn't feel the 3hrs were that long. It's amazing, if you know that I'm the sort who can't help being bored in the middle of a 90min film in a cinema. Indeed, a multi-layered film as i like it. but i agree with reviewers that there's something very sanitized about it; the storytellers do their best to make Benjamin an "Everyman", to the extent that he really is one.. and you really forget that he "was born under unusual circumstances" as it proceeds.the only thing that i started noticing was how Brad Pitt got more and more handsome as he starts to become younger and younger.. and there was a point where he returns to look like his "Interview with a Vampire" era.

Anyways, I have this nagging feeling that the short story would be more thought provoking and insightful than the film itself. but, i'll definitely watch the movie again. Just to think through the lessons packed in it again.

after the movie, the first thoughts were that Ser thought it was like Forrest Gump, i saw a sublime link between Benjamin Button and Big Fish.
Life, is as colourful as you want it to be.

Benjamin Button's postcard to his daughter which was one of the quoteworthies in the film.

"For what it's worth: it's never too late ... to be whoever you want to be.
There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same;
there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not,
I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

Fall in Love with Olivia

Love this album. I'm picking up my guitar again.

Olivia - Sometimes When We Touch - Olivia

You ask me if I love you
And I choke on my reply
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly

At times I understand you
And I know how hard you've tried
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by

At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides

the year of practical gifts.

My sisters bought me this hawt Panasonic EH5571 Ionity Hairdryer which is uber sleek looking to maintain my silky and shiny raven hair. Gosh it was a lovely surprise, after a threatening bout of disappointment nearly spoilt the hatchday. For the past week i was so stressed trying to think of what-i-want so friends know what to get me. But even if i knew exactly what i wanted, i'd rather buy it for myself because it spoils the meaning of recieving gifts i believe. It doesn't feel like a gift, if i actually asked you to buy it for me. aren't you supposed to read my mind? Sue me, but i love receiving the right gifts without me telling you :P In the end i told hwee and ching to just buy me a meal, and therie to get M.Card's book which i really really want.

Ling got me Smokey Eyes makeup! which i didn't even realise i want. and when i got it i was like "Bingo! So this is what was missing in my makeup kit" in my mind. yay! happiness.

JY wants to buy me cuff-links since i'm working soon and I was like "No way am i going to dress so formally for work" but who am i kidding. grrr. still, i told him to get me a simple and classy wallet (leather i hope?) instead of splurging on a set of metals that go bling-bling.

Grace gave me an amazing crystal mask among other things. Interesting beauty products i have zero immunity against.

Jiali gave me 3 sets of earrings from SIX! and I also bought myself another 3 sets of dangling ones and YET ANOTHER Bling Bling ring. I nearly bought a butterfly ring from DIVA whilst shopping with Tzing but i exercised self restraint. i have only ten fingers and almost ten rings in my collection.

After a review of my gifts, I've come to realise that i'm happy receiving vain gifts because they enable me to look beautiful. i'm a girlie girl! :) so keep them coming yeah :)

I just need a pretty, sturdy, med-size brown bag to make my secret wishlist complete. *hint hint*

friends forever.

i think deep down i'm a playful girl who's not too serious with herself, not too serious with the world, not too serious with her heart. i have been able to go on dates, maintain some fuzzy non-friendships and moved on pretty fast even if they faded away and boys fail me. but friends are just so important to me that times when i fail them i really see the lousiest part of myself inflicting evil on those i love. Ling remembers the time i made her cry in secondary school. I remember the time i lied to Ser. I remember my outburst at Gracie. Jiali and I remember the times when we pulled through the dark days of JC together and lament how far we've drifted over the years. But so much more beautiful and irreplaceable memories are encapsulated in my heart. and even more amazing and miraculous memories are created with the friends i so deeply love and cherish. If i were to rank my priorities in life, it's Family and Friends first, Beauty and Art second and then Boys. or Boys must even be lower down the chain if i seriously ponder over my life. I love my friends so much that sometimes i get this aching feeling in my heart and tears just well up as i think about how precious they are to me. And boys have never been able to occupy such a position in my life. Love you all, more than you will ever know.

just when my striving heart ceased to protest before the throne of God

the things i hold close to my heart, the things i believe God is leading me to, the things i desire, God often puts a season of extended waiting before allowing them to come to pass. It's a discernible pattern, to purify my heart as I seek what is truly the good, perfect and pleasing will of God. The confirmation of the Yale trip in 2006, the final job interview date - both came weeks after the stipulated deadline, just when my striving heart ceased to protest before the throne of God. And then, He opens the floodgates of blessings and I'm just incredulous at His provision. It's too early to say what the outcome will be, but how precious and deep the period of waiting and refining. Very thankful that God knows me inside out to know how long i can bear to wait and how long it takes me to surrender my willfulness and pride in every situation and petition.

May I ever be alive and yet thirsty for His goodness.

where is the magic?

it could be the season, it could be the weather, it could be the long rides home with too little fatigue to take my mind off the strange sense of loneliness and loss. it's almost February, the magical month of the year, where dreams come true and fairies with umbrellas fly in rhapsody. But, the magic sheath is a little thin of late. I hope I won't be disappointed. There are too many wishes that need an extra sprinkling of stardust.

I wish the boy who is my friend would be less of a ladies' men and have eyes for me and me only. I've gotten to realise that I don't like competition of any sort, be it imagined or real. In my world, I have to be the princess. Yes a boy who truly listens and understands is a rare gem but when he extends the attention to every Jane, Mary and Samantha I fume. I knew I had a diva streak in me; I just didn't realise how thick it was.

I wish the boy with eyes for me and me only would become more of a gentleman. I've an allergy to men who don't watch their words yes, but a soft spot for the rough-tumble variety who really speak with their steadfast gaze and the ruffling of hair. But these are externalities no? Arghhhhhhh i never never never learn.

We never get the best of both worlds they say. Or maybe i'm not holding out long enough.

I need some magic.

the sword of damocles

CNY is slowing slipping away as I drown myself in the intricacies of framing perspectives in social movements and Thai politics. I wish I could enjoy CNY more, but i guess there's always CNY next year and thesis-writing just these couple of months more. Thesis research and writing can be a daunting process, when one is plagued by deep self-doubt and the thought of giving up all altogether hangs like the Sword of Damocles over one's head. yet the next moment, the euphoria of finding another elusive but instinctive linkage within the mesh of ideas swirling round dismisses the doubts away and gives new impetus and meaning to the entire solitary process of thinking and connecting the dots. i just wish i could be more lucid for more continuous discrete moments and stop thinking so abstractly. more logic, more power!

Happy CNY

i've decided to put off all job search and applications efforts until my thesis is done. because it's too tiring for a round peg to try to squeeze into octagonal or pentagonal holes in order to secure a job which sounds prestigious and pays well. there is this constant, nagging, slightly nauseating feeling that you are trying to sell your soul to an organization which doesn't even care about who you are as an individual, except for what you can offer to it. exactly what you tell yourself NEVER to do when you were 18. fast forward 4 years and facing impending graduation, the audacity of being 18 seems compromisable. but the disturbing feeling remains, especially when you try to fill up yet another "Why do you want to apply for XXXX" column in another dull and impersonal application form. they call it cognitive dissonance in psychology. psychologists then do a little of crystal-ball gazing and suggest that the individual will try to neutralise the effects of cognitive dissonance by assuring oneself and others by coming up with the rhetoric that it's not THAT different from what she said she wants to do, that it's a job that pays well, that it's just a stepping stone until a better one comes along etc. deep deep down, a cloud of depression weighs heavy.

and so i have decided to fight this darkness by walking away from the easier option of compromising my dreams when i was 18, however vague they remain now. When i decided to abandon the route of science or law to pursue something that fires my passion and imagination. When i decided to take the leap of faith and accept the gift of being ALIVE. When for the first time in my life, i tasted the freedom of walking on uncharted waters.

I'm not going back to the dungeon of being pre-18. I'm going to enjoy what is in front of me TODAY and NOW. to continue to rejoice in all that i have and am doing. to wait patiently for the hope that cannot be seen as yet. rejoice with me, my trusted friend :)

reflections.

it's been a long long time since i blogged, for i left my thoughts and reflections in my personal journal addressed to God. it has been a honest time of daily reflection, prayer and communion with the One who created me, the One who loves me more than I can ever love myself, or anyone else, for that matter. It's a dark and uncertain time for me, but not of fear, just of wanting to be alone, sans thoughts and sans plans for the future. When i first learnt that one of my job applications fell through, i was stunned. Until now, it haunts me a little to realise that no, I am not invincible. My interview strategy of being authentic needs a little more preparation and reflection about what i truly want in life, and where I can be a best, of at least, good fit. I feel I've been ushered underneath a spotlight, for the audience of One and as i stand before Him, He remains slient, waiting for me to discover my limbs, that i might finally dance in joy.

I know He's watching over me, I know I'm in good hands, but it's still a tad daunting to not know whether the moment of revelation and discovery is coming, or whether i should hold my breathe and wait still longer and not get my hopes too high just as yet. the process of waiting feels indeed like the process of dying. where slowly I find my assumptions and confidence ebb away as God slowly fills it up with His promises and gentle proddings. Although for now, I feel the ebbing more acutely. I can feel the death of the assurance of a stable and secure career, the death of a love prospect steeped in true friendship, the death of being the cream of the crop. Yet there is the constant reminder that it is only when a seed falls to the ground and dies, that the possibility of it bearing fruit will come.

treading the line between dying to self and giving up.