quotes.

God gives the very best to those who leave the choice to Him.

 

* * *

If some things are better left unsaid, then maybe they too are better left undone.

the gadget

i got myself a Toshiba at the IT fair, and it's the epitome of beauty with intelligence. awesome buy. I think i'm obsessed with getting in touch with information and knowledge due to the lack of an exciting thought life. but i'm working on that, i promise.

i went to borders today and picked up 2 graphic introductions to Rousseau and Kierkegaard.. i was a little hesitant to lower my capacity for deep philosophical thought by compromising complex language for illustrations, but i shouldn't be ashamed. pictures are alot easier to digest when you're stuck on a crowded bus struggling to stand, breathe and trying to read a dead philosopher while heading for work. i ought to be able to cut myself some slack. btw, Rousseau (left) looks a little like my favourite political philosopher professor (who in turn regards Rousseau as his fav philosopher). i think it's the combination of a handsome intellectual aura and that slight rebellion in his eyes. that refusal to be content with mainstream society with its norms and moral ethics. but because of that, both men seem to have struggled a lot in their quest for happiness and fulfillment.

and i have found myself to struggle more now as well. i think it's the symptom of moving on from the safe bed of aspirations to the more pressing test of living one's life, for real. of making decisions from the book i will read to the job i will apply for. from choosing to believe that all my inclinations are positive for my personal development to the admission that my weaknesses define me alot more than i thought. these thoughts are making me more sober and more aware of the passing of time. time is short and i have decisions to make, a calling to fulfill. May i not miss the signs.

the path.

Sometimes i deliberately avoid knowing about human suffering and injustice in tbe news and in books. Because i fear the weight it will have upon my heart, and that regret and shame of knowing that i can make a difference somehow.. And i hadn't. I have always felt all sorts of human suffering as my very own for as long as I can remember.. And weighing on my shoulders that overwhelming responsibility of making this world a more comforting place to be in. I think God has a calling for me in that aspect, and perhaps of all His children as well, that in our own ways we love, care, nourish and protect all that He cherishes.. You, me and the rest of humankind. I have that strong sense of calling to channel my energy and my talents into doing that. But I do not yet know how.. And hence that constant low level of trepidation and introspection continues precariously.

I was overwhelmed by many thoughts over the past few days. Of human government and the religion we have created to replace faith. First of all, i find myself deeply disappointed that a wanted fugitive's family was hung out to dry, partly out of necessity (to uphold the law and as a deterrence) of course, but I read b/w the lines, deliberate political rhetoric to damage control and draw attention away from the oversight on the part of the authorities. And so a family was condemned, for the purportedly greater good of national security.

And another government shells its brother nation to shore up its precarious rising leadership. In the name of national interest and self defense. This is indeed politics as we have seen through history. Men are deceitful and gullible creatures at the same time.

But surely the human spirit can be more than that? That surely we can do more than destroy each other in the quest for personal agenda and gains? I remember the times I had argued fiercely against the realists in my political science classes, their purported "practical" and "right" answers to international relations and good governance never convincing me. And i don't think i will be convinced by those arguments, ever.

And on religion. One of my language teachers is a kind pious old man who is also a religious teacher in the masjid. I love and respect him much for his tenacity and piety. In his 70-odd years, he has had to bury his teenage son, care for his daughter who developed a psychiatric illness after a sour divorce, battle his ailing body while moving onward with God as his compass. Through him, I find myself attracted to some aspect of his religion, the parts that Christianity also advances abt God as Creator, to see an imperfect man seeking to do what is pleasing to God, hanging on to God in the midst of adversity and pain.

But I also find disturbing that the basis of the Islamic faith differs from Christianity in innocuous ways that lead brothers onto vastly different paths.. And I see in my head a fork in the road, one Islam the other Christianity, one to Heaven and the other Hell.. And on each road the followers are convinced the other brother had strayed from the path and only his own shall lead to God Himself. Was Abrahim asked to sacrifice Isaac or Ismail on that hill? Or does that not matter in the end because neither brother can be utterly sure (using reason) that his path was the right one? I'm faced with my own questions about faith.

And of course, Kierkegaard. The more I read that existentialist philosopher, the more I understand why CS came to know God through his writings. More on him later, if i can crystalize my thoughts on him.

Alone

Being alone, takes some getting used to. The feeling of being my own person again always comes as a liberation movement at first, with its accompanying elation and hope. Then it settles into a dull ache, when the missing part becomes starkly empty.. The harder stage to bear is yet to come, I think. When I would finally finally know for a fact that I was indeed, alone.

Free.

Sat morning, the guerilla warfare within my heart was over. It was the end of our 1.5yrs or on-and-off tussle, the start of rediscovering myself. It was a quiet but dignified affair as I composed a msg, and concluded the battle. There was no response, but I had conveyed all that I had to. There were no blows left to exchange, and I think he knew.

Was I sad? I think not.. I had thought of relenting, give it a little more time for feelings to wane between us, but sth he said over the line the night before pretty much pushed me to make the decision I should have, more than a year ago. I had poured out my thoughts once again to him, explaining how I was stifled, adjusting to his ultra-practical perspective and life. I was dissatisfied and unhappy in the r/s. He proceeded to give me a lecture on how philosophical and idealistic I was as a person, as if they were dirty words. He urged me to stop thinking, and appreciate what I have now (pretty much referring to himself). He believed I was ungrateful for all he had done for me, and he thought he did a pretty good job. All these words said matter-of-factly and without a pause for self reflection. If most US Presidents are indeed ISTJs, he must be a George W. Bush equivalent. And obviously it pushed all the wrong buttons for an ENFP.

What? I was and still am indignant. No amount of care and concern he had showered upon me can make up for his stepping all over my self worth and dignity. He never thought much of my philosophical musings, my instinctive thought processes, my view of the world as a world of possibilities, my belief in the goodness of mankind. And it irks and frustrates me. No one who knew me well had ever thought I was weak because I feel a larger spectrum of emotions than most, no one had ever criticized my philosophical side as too impractical and naive. They might have suspected these were traits that i had to manage carefully, but none thought they were character flaws.

Was I blind? I think so. I was really moved when I shared this with mum and she told me that I am a princess; that this man was no prince and he obviously didn't deserve me. I didn't realise how i had began to doubt my self worth thru his eyes. How did I manage to stay on this r/s for more than a week? Perhaps that was the evidence that my emotions can get the better of me and I have the ability to self radicalize and hoodwink myself into believing I can be truly happy with this man. A lesson learnt. No MCP, ultra-practical man for me pls. I'm much better off being alone, and complete once again.

Cheers!

Day 2 - Operation ME Time

I sent out my resume to apply for 2 positions last night. One, a shot at international relations, the other social policy cum events management position. Both give me good vibes, but I'm keener on the first. The exposure would do me much good, if I should make the mark. Although it's not a job to impact lives more directly, I love the idea of working in a dynamic environment, engaging organizations locally and international. The thirst for politics still remains in my parched throat. Time to do some interview prep.

Day 2 of rebellion. A persistent cough plagued me for most of last night, so I took a day off. Here I am in the library, reading and loving each minute. I love me time. Saves me another day of guerilla warfare too, although that's cheating. The Enemy is good though, he hasn't contacted me at all last night and today. I think he's playing the waiting game, hoping that time would be on his side and the guerilla warrior lets her guard down to allow guilt to propel her out of the safety of the rainforest.

No way.

Guerilla warfare rule no. 1

Day 1 report (part 1):

Indifference, clear articulation of my assessment of our basic incompatibility without too much explanation or examples. I've come to realize that less is more precise - arguing on details always puts my stand at the compromising end. Just enough to state my view succinctly and honestly without the hues of emotion coloring the battle.

Like what my heart of gold friend says, remember the tactics of guerilla warfare. You're small, the enemy is big. but you're quick and agile, the enemy is huge and cumbersome. so you hide and you hide well.

The Rebellion

Day 1 of rebellion against status quo.

My sis sat me down to share her thoughts abt my r/s last night. Of all that she said, the most poignant was her advice to trust my gut feeling, the feeling that The Boy was not good enough for me and I was compromising my expectations for his affection that many other eligible men can give.

My emotional side gave a zillion excuses as usual; that we were at a comfy stage like family, our proximity would make a breakup hard to bear, I have no solid reason to breakup except the iffy feeling that I'm not gg to be happy living with this man in future. My rational side, however, agreed with her assessment that I was trapped in false sense of security and emotional closeness precisely of our proximity and daily efforts to maintain that proximity whenever we're apart.

Hence births the plan to rebel against the status quo. I keep in mind that previous mutinies were met with unresolved issues that I swallowed right back, due to that girlish desire to make my first t/s the last, befitting of a fairytale ending. And his strong argumentative personality that made my declarations sound superfluous.

So this is going to be a longer battle. One of rational calculation and intentional pursuit of true happiness. Not the way I'd prefer, but when reasoning or heart-to-heart talk fails, signals and more concrete actions over a longer term will have to relay that same message.

Bonne chance.

A new day flows and ebbs

A new day propelled me forward and yet to no place new or exciting, just like a hamster on its wheel. It does not fancy the wheel very much and on some days abhors it, but most days it contents itself with the familiar routine of engaging ITS wheel. Possessive nouns are misleading to some extent. Does the hamster posses the wheel or should this lament be about the wheel's hamster?

A new day however, brought with it another enticing proposition - a job opening that might allow me the space to talk to ppl about their aspirations.. And what HOME means to them. I've come to realise how much I need to DIALOGUE with ppl in my course of work. And the POSSIBILITY of travel and events management. Maybe I should give it a shot.

A new day also brought news that a dear friend has a new romance budding in a foreign land! Most heartwarming because I know she's the sweet sort of flower that blooms much in the bed of friendship and love. The sort who laughs and the world laughs with her, the intelligent sort who puts her talents for the welfare of humankind. A heart of gold, with much tears of empathy shed for the poor and downtrodden..she's one of those that has a special place in my heart.

Overall, a new day is a day wellspent, despite the wheel. Nuggets of gold in an endless field.

Born free, but is everywhere in chains

I think there's something unnatural about confining masses of ppl to a chair for 8hrs, fixed timings each day. A repulsive dreadful feeling arises when I imagine the days repeating ahead of me as i stand emotionless in a public transport vehicle during the peak hr shoulder to shoulder with many more emotionless faces heading to their dreadful dungeons pretending to be cubicles. I need to be free from such invisible shackles, that Rousseau meant, when he said man is born free, but is everywhere in chains. I never had a fascination with that man as my fav political philosophy prof Putterman did, but some ideas abt freedom that the man had is most poignant.