i am a little restless and frustrated now that exams are over and i am still stuck in an in-between kind of existence. Now that i'm back at home without an agenda the negative energy pops out of nowhere and floats around, concentrating on me. i feel like i am carrying with me an aura of hate-me-if-you-can. i don't think i did anything wrong by wanting to live my life as a separate -but not separated- entity from family. i want the space to take up painting and sketching and work on my thesis and shop and laze around doing nothing when i wish to. In many ways i wish i was living alone so there's no tension arising from my mum trying to micro-manage my life.. she knows she can't anymore but she still tries in the small ways which causes a fair amount of tension. i know she can't anymore but i still instinctively try to compromise on the small things... And neither one of us ends up being happy about it. Home just isn't a relaxing and detoxifying abode for me right now.

a little more breathing space and time to space-out will be very good. i wish to spend more time outdoors next week when i get better. I want to do some watercolouring and figure sketching. spend more time in the museums.

Therie and I met N and his graphic designer friend K at the museum the other day. Quite a pleasant surprise; i always appreciate knowing that there is a community amongst people i know who enjoy art. (although the term community is quite an oxymoron since we pretty much don't know that side of each other until we bump into each other in the galleries) N always strikes me as a very irregular kind of guy.. he's almost hyperactive in an understated sense. Not very loud or disruptive, but spaced-out, short attention span and lives in a world separated from us. I gave up trying to understand his thought patterns sometime ago. Very Keanu Reeves-like, now that I think about it. very artist-like, in another way.

As for me, more introspection and revelation from God recently reveals facets of myself i didn't really think about or realise. I'm an abstract thinker, but there's a part of me that needs a fair amount of practicality. I will not be happy painting landscapes or drawing portraits for a living because of my need to systematize, apply and analyze. i realise this at work as i learnt the ropes of watercolouring on my own. My intellectual brain and artistic brain fight for airtime 24/7 and i need to suppress one of them depending on what i wish to accomplish.

playing the tug-of-war in my mind.