every season has it's time and place. and this is a season of change, of hope and of new life. There's always that little pull backwards, the little girl in me perhaps afraid to move on beyond 21. Because i've never really dreamt of being 21. and now at the threshold of things to be and things to happen, there is excitement mixed with a constant low level trepidation. perhaps a little afraid that i'll let it all pass without seizing the day. of not being young whilst i am young.
It seems so far away, those groans of "oh dear we're already 21 and still single!!" from K. Since i stopped hanging around her for a while, her negativity had no surface to rub off me. and away from that constant chatter about the same-old same-old, i am liberated from that self imposed box. it's as if walls suddenly collapse all around me and i see a whole new horizon, seeing myself with completely new eyes. this is something that i've been praying for - to see myself through God's eyes, not the eyes of others or my own jittery self-introspection.
And there's a sense of being. of breathing this air this very instant, of doing what i can and want and love and knowing that it's more than permissible for me to enjoy all of it, but approved. Truly Living. I like being a "player", free in every sense of the word. being single and just enjoying myself, the "me" that was created with fear and wonder. As i step forward with every step, facing the road ahead alone, i start to see the strengths and weaknesses of myself with more clarity, and then, being clearer about who i am and what i want.
i sense myself getting stronger. gaining a kind of strength and boldness that wouldn't have happened if i'd loved another before learning to love myself. a kindness of "zen-ness", or should i say, realization?