poster girl

Week 3 of being back, still positive, happy to be where i am. Lots of space to write and read, with a decent physical space to call my own, awesome. It had been a rough two weeks of hearing stuff about my return through the grapevine, but I chose to overcome with my head held high, with all the poise of that woman of class in heels. The woman that I always wanted to be, at least on the outside first. The little girl will always be lurking on the inside, but she knows when to surface and when to hide behind that demeanor of quiet confidence and be utterly impervious to the rubbish of other homo sapiens. I like how strong I feel compared to three years ago - and I have to say that the wardrobe and porcelain skin matter. Much as it is a chore working towards perfection, the external is just as important as the internal. I always thought it was great being a woman. There might be others who hate the trouble and limitations, but I embrace it through and through. It was colourful being me. 

A rude reminder recently, however, of why we could not be. Basic human respect dictates that one should not be calling another names, when one does not agree with a certain viewpoint, no matter how diabolically opposed those views are to one's own. It's just not cool on a human level and it violates my basic values of being welcoming and open to all kinds of views and perspectives since everyone has imperfect information upon which to form their opinions. I'm very much a democrat when it comes to information and ideas, even if I have strong opinions about certain things. I desist from dismissing another's viewpoint, even if it irks me. I  tend to challenge and pick at loopholes, I admit, but never dismiss. It would be pure intellectual blasphemy. 

Have the guts to put up your beliefs for scrutiny if you are confident it's the only logical conclusion - and be man enough not to resort to name calling when you are losing ground. 

I'm surprised how strongly I react to such things; to a point where I find it difficult to be friends with narrow-minded people or to tolerate bigotry; it's the cornerstone of my belief system upon which I choose to understand and navigate the world and if my partner cannot meet this baseline, it would be  fruitless. Even if we were (and still do, from time to time) utterly, blissfully enamored with each other's childlikeness and love for life. It's not a sad thing i suppose, just an inevitable one.  

Travelling

Hi!

Sorry for the procrastination, I keep forgetting that the Turkey souveneirs have been sitting in my cupboard for a while. Turkey was fun, I believe everyone should go at least once in their lifetime! The mix of culture, food, scenery and history was amazing. I enjoyed climbing on top of (and walking through) ancient ruins, especially in Ephesus. I met nasty people, but also super nice and friendly ones. It was an eye-opener and re-defined travelling for me.

That one does not go as a tourist, but as a sojourner who lives for a while at a place, to understand and soak in the culture and way of life. I once read a quote, that travelling makes the world seem like such a big place and yet so small at the same time. I read it (in my experience) as the world being big as it contains so many types of culture and yet a history so rich that one one people group can fully experience in their lifetimes or generations. At the same time, the world is so small because we can try to understand and experience that wealth of being alive, through our travels simply by virtue of being human.

Travelling, can make us understand what it is that makes us human :)

Keep the wanderlust burning!

Ps. An article on Why you should travel young

people-pleaser

Years of people-pleasing have caused me to not know how to damn-what-they-might-think so as to navigate my own existence and happiness. damn. i can only bemoan my lack of guts here in the solace of my writing. damn. at least now i feel bold enough to say the "damn" prayer and allow myself some exhibited angst once in a while. and to allow myself to feel angry and let down.

day three of my break -and irritated at the unpredictable moods and weather i have to deal with in my boredom. actually, the weather's okay; i just have to shake the bad habit of trying to please her all the time and making the effort to make small talk when she stares off into blank space. that blank space which she locks herself in, unreachable or unreasonable, if she decides to come back to reality once in a while. i have given up on convincing her to pursue her happiness, to stop micro-managing everyone around her, to stop following that damned militant regime she called her preferred lifestyle. how can you call it "preferred" if you've never tried a happier alternative?

i think being angry reminds me who i dont want to become, how pointless it is to try and please someone who can never be pleased.