that elusive firewood for my passion

it's almost six months since i wrote here.. or anywhere else. perhaps my brain department for self expression has been withering away for that long as well, since i rarely express that much of myself accurately through mediums other than writing. it takes me longer to write and edit my thoughts now. it's almost tragic.

i've been thinking about uprooting myself for greener (overseas) pastures. to get a job which brings travel opportunities and a wider horizon than the distance between my office cubicle and the toilet. the thought is tempting, especially for the ambitious cub inside of me, roaring to fight it out in the corporate world. to be recognized for my capabilities and be differentiated from the rest, unlike the mammoth-like civil service system whose primary function (other than serving the non civil servants) is to equalize the efforts of civil servants who are non-scholars. i'm feeling it a little now, and i have a sinking feeling in my stomach that the hunch is going to get painfully acute as the years pass.

and so i've been checking out management trainee programmes (and other equivalents) and a particular one catches my eye. yet i feel hesitant to apply right now, mainly due to weariness and wariness. a tad too tired to pick myself up, don the corporate armour (not that i had the opportunity) and sign myself up for a job that requires long hours and tenacity. to reignite that youthful undergraduate fervour and unabashed confidence once more.... only that i might be miserable and disappointed once more.

is life a continuous test of our resilience and adaptability? or is there a balance that we might find, like a job that saps our energy but generates much more of it at the end of the day, that elusive firewood for our passion? i really wish to find it.