an indelible mark

In the deep recesses of my heart, there is a familiarity attached to a someone who was part of my life. It's funny how some people just rub off you during the period you related to them; unknowingly, they have left an indelible mark that you cannot erase from your memory or heart. And when the time comes when you realize that meeting the same person now evokes the same level of familiarity in your heart and yet a new, disconcerting surge of emotions you cannot hide, you inevitably choose to try to forget, to alleviate a little of that disturbing incongruence. try to, because it takes effort to do something that you can never choose to do, that is, to wholly forget. someone once asked me how it's possible to claim that you forgive without forgetting. the answer simply is that forgiving is a choice and forgetting is an instance of the waves of time washing it away when you weren't looking.

you inevitably try not to notice the smallest things about the person that you never knew you noticed in the first place. i think that was a point made by Celine in Before Sunset. it's one of my all-time favorite movies because they capture the inner process of thinking and feeling and trying all the time to reconcile the two. It's how i lead my life, it's how i handle my innermost thoughts and so the familiarity of the conversations between the protagonists grip my thoughts and engage my heart.
But it's been a long time since i re-watched it. Perhaps another time, another pensive occasion.

Does time move fast enough for the waves to come crashing in? Or does it have to happen when you aren't looking? i always play the game of "i'm-not-looking!" when i really am, in vain hope that by pretending that i'm not noticing, i will somehow speed up the process of forgetting.

Doesn't quite work that way, doesn't it. The waves aren't actually connected to your thought waves, though they may have properties that seem pretty similar. They oscillate between the peaks and troughs; you know it, but you can't get out of the hum-drum pattern. Your consciousness of the next inevitable movement doesn't get you to your destination any faster or make the journey any easier for you. You can only look to the larger whole, the prevailing pattern that extends beyond your momentarily troubles ahead.

i think that's called faith.